Joe rhymes with Boe.
[ QUOTE ]
Melodia: So what's your power?
Joe: I don't really have a power? But the strange thing is every night my parents would lock me in my room and i'd wake up, my bed was torn apart.
Melodia: Wait every night you say? Hm...
Joe: What?
Melodia: You could be a werewolf. But you can only transform into a werewolf when the moon is full, which happens once a month, so you may have some sort of advanced form of werewolf power I've never seen before.
[/ QUOTE ]
Seriously though, why would they assume he's a werewolf? I would assume that he was taken over by some evil spirit a night.
[ QUOTE ]
Joe rhymes with Boe.
[/ QUOTE ]
Oh I hadn't really noticed. Anyway, guys i'll post chapter 2 tomrrow, forgot to put that in my first post.
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Melodia: So what's your power?
Joe: I don't really have a power? But the strange thing is every night my parents would lock me in my room and i'd wake up, my bed was torn apart.
Melodia: Wait every night you say? Hm...
Joe: What?
Melodia: You could be a werewolf. But you can only transform into a werewolf when the moon is full, which happens once a month, so you may have some sort of advanced form of werewolf power I've never seen before.
[/ QUOTE ]
Seriously though, why would they assume he's a werewolf? I would assume that he was taken over by some evil spirit a night.
[/ QUOTE ]
Look it's a CoV styled fan-fic. There's more werewolfs than evil spirits in it.
If only there was a forum section you could go to where you're supposed to post fanfics and other sorts of things that people would read. Yes indeed. It would be wonderful if they added some sort of section like that, of course it couldn't have been in the forums since launch, no, you would have noticed that... OH WAIT.
Animation major and old-school CoHer.
Art, Animation, and Stuff:
DA Tumblr Vimeo Youtube
[ QUOTE ]
Okay i've been trying tons of scripts and ideas for a cartoon, so i'm just going to try and improvize a script using my imagination for you guys (I use my imagination for everything but I gave this less thought) So I backed out of doing this a few times, I though of posting a fan-fic called J-16 about a super-hero who had molecule editing powers and was forced to travel back in time three years to get help to control his powers after contracting(sp?) a horrible power-limiting disease. Anyway here's my fanfic.
Mighty Werewolf Chapter 1: The wolf is mightier than the sword
*Out of my head by Mobile plays (cool theme song, eh?)*
Joe: Well, this must be the place.
*Joe is standing outside a wonderful nice looking university*
Jeeves: Will you be need anything else Joe?
Joe: No that's quite alright Jeeves.
*An annoying kid runs up*
Kevin: Hey you must be new here? Let me guess, your Batman right?
Joe: Yep, i'm Batman.
Kevin: What no comeback? I thought rich kids were either pompous snobs, or rebellious heroes. I guess movies have taught me nothing.
*Kevin walks away*
Joe: I'm starting to get a bad feeling about that dude and this place. Oh well, it's probably nothing to be concerned about.
*Joe walks in and the gates close, the university starts to shift and transform*
Joe: What's happening?
*The ground starts moving and than Joe starts running, he runs into a huge crowd, he sees a mutant and and runs away, he runs into the middle of the football field and faints*
Kevin: Newbie. He's obviously never been to the "Academy of supernatural and the empowered" before.
*Joe wakes up in the hospital wing*
Melodia: You okay man?
Joe: Yeah I think so-- what the heck? Are you a boy or girl? Cuz you've got that hip thing going on but you've big bushy eyebrows like Rock Lee.
Melodia: Hey don't dis Rock Lee.
Joe: So where am I?
Melodia: Your at the academy of the supernatural and the empowered. Or as it also known Stomp-punch.
Joe: Wow, what a terribly explicit name.
Melodia: So what's your power?
Joe: I don't really have a power? But the strange thing is every night my parents would lock me in my room and i'd wake up, my bed was torn apart.
Melodia: Wait every night you say? Hm...
Joe: What?
Melodia: You could be a werewolf. But you can only transform into a werewolf when the moon is full, which happens once a month, so you may have some sort of advanced form of werewolf power I've never seen before.
Joe: So that means?
Melodia: We may be able to find a way for you to channel your powers and control them.
Joe: Sheesh, your like Izzy from beyblade.
*Speaker sound*
Mulligan: (On speaker) This is principle Mulligan, I would like to see student... Joe... Kiling... Killing... Killingspree?!
Joe: Woah how do you guys know my nickname?
*The principal appears as Joe turns around*
Mulligan: We know all Joe, we even know the results of CoV PVP events.
Joe: Can you tell me the results?
Mulligan: It depends what you're class and level?
Joe: I'm a level 15 dominator.
*Mulligan breaks into a laugh*
Joe: What?
Mulligan: Your only level 15? LOL UR A NOOB!
Joe *Whispering to Melodia*: This is the principal?
Mulligan: I can hear you, I have super sonic hearing. Plus super healing, I can freeze people yatta yatta yatta. So please Joe walk with me, talk with me.
*Joe and Mulligan are walking down the hall*
Mulligan: The academy is in desperate need of students ever since the wordiers have resurfaced.
Joe: The wordiers?
Mulligan: They are evil super powered soldiers that can use words as weapons. They can convert words into super powers to be more precise.
Joe: And there's a whole army of them? Excuse me principal Mulligan---
Mulligan: Please call me Frodo.
Joe: Okay... Principal Frodo... Why is there a whole army of super villains with the same power?
Mulligan: Well you see, the wordiers are an ancient clan of shinobi... er... I mean super villains! SUPER VILLAINS! And there goal is to destroy the academy.
Joe: Well are they the academy's only enemy?
Mulligan: Oh no we have lots of enemies, the Sith, the Symbiotes, and Shinobi.
Joe: Aren't those just things that start with S that you've stolen from other television shows and movies?
Mulligan: Why yes.
Joe: Let me guess, Frodo, you lived a very negative childhood.
Mulligan *Curled up in a ball on the floor*: My mother never loved me...
Joe: Okay...
Mulligan: Well I guess it's time you met your teammates.
Joe: Woah wait teammates?
Mulligan: Yes this academy involves teams going out on missions fighting evil forces.
Joe: That sounds an awful like Naruto.
Mulligan: Well it's not. It's called Shut Uppo! It's stars Samuel L. Jackson as "Who the heck put all these damn onions on my damn burger".
Joe: Dude your seriously need some help.
Mulligan *Curled up on the floor again*: We are fighting dreamers Takami no Mezashite...
Next Chapter: Team-ups and downs
Originally I wanted to have more of a magic plot to this fan-fic, like for example Mulligan was going to be a Centaur, i'm going to change it if i'm going to present it to a network someday. Major changes.
[/ QUOTE ]
At the risk of sounding like a jerk here...
Your formatting is very hard to follow, making reading this entire thing a chore. There are no descriptions in the sample save for a referance to "Rock Lee" from Naruto, which you cannot use without permission. The backstory isn't fleshed out enough for the reader/viewer to get a sense of the surroundings and/or the situations that the characters are in.
You mention a "magic school" ala Harry Potter but gave no visual clues or referances to it prior to the reveal. That strategy can work, though not often in an animated medium, especially a short one.
The sample that you show smacks of character referance and outside referance which would not be "gotten" by a non-nerd audience. This is evident by your mention of both City of Villains, Naruto, and a few other moments...
Basically this...
The sample is a good idea...
A kid who is a Werewolf is sent to an Academy to learn to control his powers.
However your execution is rather poor. You had a character (for example) say: "LOL UR A N00B!"
The problem is there is no way to a non-text audience to get that joke, there is also no way for a non-gamer to get that joke.
The only way we could get it is if the letters/numbers were actually displayed.
I guess my recommendation to you is this:
Go to college, take a few college level english composition and english literature classes. They can help a lot.
No, I am not being insulting. Before I went to college I thought I was a good writer myself, now that I have been through the gambit (prior to my game design degree I was an english major) I can see that I am much better for it.
Yeah, I was tempted to just post "LERN 2 RITE NUB" but you did it in such a wordier and nicer-sounding way I don't feel the need anymore.
Agreed with most of the above. If you're planning on writing a script, read scripts and try to understand the formatting. Same goes for books and short stories. Classes would help immensely of course, but if you want something quick, just look for scripts.
REAL scripts/books/stories, too. Not fan-made. If you immitate other fan-[censored] you will write fan-[censored] and it will never get you anywhere. For example, trying to learn how to make a comic book by reading a webcomic is probably a really bad idea.
Animation major and old-school CoHer.
Art, Animation, and Stuff:
DA Tumblr Vimeo Youtube
Agreed Kelp.
The whole comic book thing wouldn't have happened for me had Troy not stepped in and gave me the tools I needed to break into the biz. Now that I am in, things are going well, very well and it was all because I looked at REAL work.
My one comment, because I haven't worked up the passion to read it all the way through yet...
(and forgive me if this sounds a bit jerkish. It's a pet peeve of mine)
End questions with question marks, and statements with periods.
[ QUOTE ]
Melodia: So what's your power?
Joe: I don't really have a power?
[/ QUOTE ]
Is Joe asking a question there? If so, what, and if not, why is there a question mark?
Sorry, that sort of thing just bothers the heck out of me for no appreciable reason. And it's an easy excuse for someone (like, say, someone who might be interested in paying for the work) to stop reading.
Okay i've been trying tons of scripts and ideas for a cartoon, so i'm just going to try and improvize a script using my imagination for you guys (I use my imagination for everything but I gave this less thought) So I backed out of doing this a few times, I though of posting a fan-fic called J-16 about a super-hero who had molecule editing powers and was forced to travel back in time three years to get help to control his powers after contracting(sp?) a horrible power-limiting disease. Anyway here's my fanfic.
Mighty Werewolf Chapter 1: The wolf is mightier than the sword
*Out of my head by Mobile plays (cool theme song, eh?)*
Joe: Well, this must be the place.
*Joe is standing outside a wonderful nice looking university*
Jeeves: Will you be need anything else Joe?
Joe: No that's quite alright Jeeves.
*An annoying kid runs up*
Kevin: Hey you must be new here? Let me guess, your Batman right?
Joe: Yep, i'm Batman.
Kevin: What no comeback? I thought rich kids were either pompous snobs, or rebellious heroes. I guess movies have taught me nothing.
*Kevin walks away*
Joe: I'm starting to get a bad feeling about that dude and this place. Oh well, it's probably nothing to be concerned about.
*Joe walks in and the gates close, the university starts to shift and transform*
Joe: What's happening?
*The ground starts moving and than Joe starts running, he runs into a huge crowd, he sees a mutant and and runs away, he runs into the middle of the football field and faints*
Kevin: Newbie. He's obviously never been to the "Academy of supernatural and the empowered" before.
*Joe wakes up in the hospital wing*
Melodia: You okay man?
Joe: Yeah I think so-- what the heck? Are you a boy or girl? Cuz you've got that hip thing going on but you've big bushy eyebrows like Rock Lee.
Melodia: Hey don't dis Rock Lee.
Joe: So where am I?
Melodia: Your at the academy of the supernatural and the empowered. Or as it also known Stomp-punch.
Joe: Wow, what a terribly explicit name.
Melodia: So what's your power?
Joe: I don't really have a power? But the strange thing is every night my parents would lock me in my room and i'd wake up, my bed was torn apart.
Melodia: Wait every night you say? Hm...
Joe: What?
Melodia: You could be a werewolf. But you can only transform into a werewolf when the moon is full, which happens once a month, so you may have some sort of advanced form of werewolf power I've never seen before.
Joe: So that means?
Melodia: We may be able to find a way for you to channel your powers and control them.
Joe: Sheesh, your like Izzy from beyblade.
*Speaker sound*
Mulligan: (On speaker) This is principle Mulligan, I would like to see student... Joe... Kiling... Killing... Killingspree?!
Joe: Woah how do you guys know my nickname?
*The principal appears as Joe turns around*
Mulligan: We know all Joe, we even know the results of CoV PVP events.
Joe: Can you tell me the results?
Mulligan: It depends what you're class and level?
Joe: I'm a level 15 dominator.
*Mulligan breaks into a laugh*
Joe: What?
Mulligan: Your only level 15? LOL UR A NOOB!
Joe *Whispering to Melodia*: This is the principal?
Mulligan: I can hear you, I have super sonic hearing. Plus super healing, I can freeze people yatta yatta yatta. So please Joe walk with me, talk with me.
*Joe and Mulligan are walking down the hall*
Mulligan: The academy is in desperate need of students ever since the wordiers have resurfaced.
Joe: The wordiers?
Mulligan: They are evil super powered soldiers that can use words as weapons. They can convert words into super powers to be more precise.
Joe: And there's a whole army of them? Excuse me principal Mulligan---
Mulligan: Please call me Frodo.
Joe: Okay... Principal Frodo... Why is there a whole army of super villains with the same power?
Mulligan: Well you see, the wordiers are an ancient clan of shinobi... er... I mean super villains! SUPER VILLAINS! And there goal is to destroy the academy.
Joe: Well are they the academy's only enemy?
Mulligan: Oh no we have lots of enemies, the Sith, the Symbiotes, and Shinobi.
Joe: Aren't those just things that start with S that you've stolen from other television shows and movies?
Mulligan: Why yes.
Joe: Let me guess, Frodo, you lived a very negative childhood.
Mulligan *Curled up in a ball on the floor*: My mother never loved me...
Joe: Okay...
Mulligan: Well I guess it's time you met your teammates.
Joe: Woah wait teammates?
Mulligan: Yes this academy involves teams going out on missions fighting evil forces.
Joe: That sounds an awful like Naruto.
Mulligan: Well it's not. It's called Shut Uppo! It's stars Samuel L. Jackson as "Who the heck put all these damn onions on my damn burger".
Joe: Dude your seriously need some help.
Mulligan *Curled up on the floor again*: We are fighting dreamers Takami no Mezashite...
Next Chapter: Team-ups and downs
Originally I wanted to have more of a magic plot to this fan-fic, like for example Mulligan was going to be a Centaur, i'm going to change it if i'm going to present it to a network someday. Major changes.