What do you think of it?

This was made for a different topic, but I just wanted to see what everyone thought of it. Maybe give a little feedback on what you did/didn't like.
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Temporal Strike (Temp) looked at the small map on her wristCOM. The target was located somewhere on the 30th and between her and it were a couple hundred guards, alarms, and a few guard dogs.

“Looks like fun,” she said with a sneer. The 4 sentry guns placed through out the courtyard would be easily enough disabled, but by the time she reached her target, someone would’ve noticed and raised an alarm.

So she started off, sneaking along the base of the vine-covered courtyard wall. In the distance she could see 3 guards patrolling, and 2 more chatting… about their wives? She shook her head, laughing softly. Reaching the side of the building, she stopped. The courtyard extended about 30ft past the front of the building, until the wall turned and connected with the building. The space was ill-lit and looked like it contained a relay box. She snuck over to it, and opened it slowly. Apparently the Council wasn’t as bright as some thought. The wiring was all nicely labeled for whomever, Sentry 1, Sentry 2, Sentry 3… She reached into her belt and pulled out a tiny device. Inserting it between the wires, she closed the box and went around the front of the building.

The entry way was covered and downward lit. Patiently waiting for the guards, they eventually all turned away from the entry. Using a drain pipe, she climbed up the balcony over the doorway. The doorway into the building from the balcony was glass, and the room beyond was dark. She pulled down her visor and examined the door. It didn’t seem to be connected to the alarm system, but she placed a scrambler on the glass anyway, just to be safe. Opening the door slowly, she slunk inside. The room looked like a company president’s office: mahogany furniture, giant desk, bookshelves galore, and nice array of liquor.

She went to the computer and turned it on. Connecting her wristCOM to it through its USB port, she began hacking. Seemed it was connected to the mainframe, but was kept separate from the Central Security Systems. She downloaded a number of files, including detailed maps of each floor.

“Jackpot.”

Backing out of the system she ran into a hitch. It seemed to want a logout password. She had never seen that before in a security system. There was a countdown time starting at 30. It seemed that she was in the security chief’s public office and if the logout password wasn’t given in the timeframe, the alarm would sound. She looked around quickly, trying to think what it could be. After a number of failed tries, she noticed that whoever this guy was, he liked his whiskey. Hoping this would be the last, she entered JACK DANIELS. Seconds passed like hours. Eventually it green-lighted and the computer shut down. She let out a sigh. “They’re always finding new ways of making my job harder.”

Going to the door, Temp pushed a small camera under the door. Lowering her visor again, she could see into the hallway beyond. There was a guard at either ends of the hallway, both facing outward. She waited to see if they were patrolling or just placed guards. They didn’t move for 5 minutes. Pulling the camera back and raising her visor, she looked at her wristCOM, now displaying a map of the floor she was on, which was the 3rd. It looked like the elevator was down the hall and around the corner, about 50yrds away from where she was. Her other choices were going back outside and up 30 stories (the 30th-32nd stories didn’t have any windows for security purposes) or the maintenance elevator on the other side of the floor, about 100yrds away from her. She looked at her map again. She made a small note where the guards were and made her decision.

Slowly opening the door, she entered the hallway. Both guards were still there, unmoving. Turned right from the door and crept towards the guard. About 2yrds from him, it looked as though she went from creeping to instantly having the guard in a sleeper hold.

“We wouldn’t want your friend to be alarmed would we?”

The guard shook his head in agreeance.

“Gooood, now, you wouldn’t happen to know if there are anymore guards near the elevator down the hall would you?”

The guard shook his head no.

“Excellent,” she whispered in a cheery tone, “then I’m sure you’ll forget we had this conversation.”

She dragged the guard with her towards the elevator. The doors opened without incident. Forming a gleaming white, insubstantial blade from her fist, she pushed it into the back of the guard’s skull. His eyes flared for a second then closed as his shoulders slumped. “I’m sure you’ll wake up feeling quite refreshed,” she waved goodbye as the doors closed.

Looking over the elevator control panel, it looked like she needed a key card to access the secure levels. It was too risky to open the doors and see if the guard had one. There was a comm port on the panel, which she connected to her wristCOM. The security system on the elevator was simpler than the computer earlier. A simple number sequence later, the elevator started moving upwards. Standing up, she reached for the access panel in the ceiling. Climbing out and closing it behind her, she waited as the elevator went higher.

Seemed security was lax tonight, as the elevator reached the 30th floor with no problems. There was a vent a little above the elevator when it stopped, into which Temp crawled. Fully in the vent, she looked at her wristCOM again. The vent system winded its way through the whole floor, connecting to itself in many places. Cross referencing it with where the cell was, she began making her way to the closes vent opening. Nicely, there was one located directly above the cell door. She couldn’t see any guards from where she was, but stuck the camera through to check. There was a guard coming down the hallway from both ways, and they crossed next to the door beside the target’s. This block was a square and the must be moving opposite each other, which gave her a little under 3 minutes to get into the cell and get the target out. The hallways were fairly dark, but the camera, which thankfully was located directly above the door, was probably fitted with night vision or thermal. She looked at the locking mechanism, of which there was none…

“Great, my night just keeps getting better,” she complained.

Unfortunately for Temp, each door was opened by remote. She looked at her wristCOM, reading the security specs for the building. It told her what she wanted to see, but not WHICH guard had the remote. By now the guards were on the other side of the cell block, keeping her from being able to do this subtly. Picking the guard that was going to come down the left hallway, she waited till the security camera was facing the opposite direction. Quickly but quietly moving down the hall, she glanced around the corner. No guard yet. Moving about a quarter the way down the hall, she backed against one wall. Using momentum, she ran up the wall and jumped against the other wall, doing a split jump (Splinter Cell FTW). The guard came waltzing down the hall, whistling merrily. She dropped on him from above, knocking him out cold. Quickly searching his body, nothing. “Hmm... this could be bad,” she mused. Looking around the corner again, the camera was facing away, but would be moving back her direction any minute. Pressed against the wall with the camera as hard as she could, she moved towards the opposite hallway. She was able to counter the camera perfectly, as it faced the opposite wall as she reached the hallway. The guard was just rounding the corner as he flew into the wall with a loud THUD. She cringed. Quickly moving his body out of the way of the camera, she searched this one’s body, with more luck.

Moving back to the cell door, she found the cell on the remote. Pressing the button, Cell 75-A opened with a hiss of escaping air. The target inside, was clothed in a blue jumpsuit, with a label of “Prisoner 54C184.”

“Quickly, come with me. There’s no time to explain.”

The target had a bewildered look on his face, but took her hand anyway. Helping him into the vent, they made their way back to the elevator. Unfortunately it had been recalled back to the first floor. She reached into her belt and pulled out a climbing harness. “Put this one,” she said, thrusting it into his arms. Shakily he put on the harness, which she checked for completeness. Connecting his harness to the identical one she was wearing, she pressed a button on her wristCOM. The gloves she wore shimmered for a second, and then returned to normal.

“Hold onto my waist, and for God’s sake, don’t look down. Unless heights don’t scare you, then feel free.”

She gripped the elevator cable and began going down. About halfway down the elevator starting going up, but thankfully only to the 3rd floor, where it stopped. Reaching to top of the elevator car, she unhooked him and pressed the same button on her wristCOM again. They dropped into the car and pressed First Floor. The first floor was a giant lobby, darkened after working hours. She lowered her visor and could see red lines jump to life all over the floor. Normally this would pose no problem what-so-ever, but she had the target, and he definitely couldn’t get through on his own.

“Stick right behind me and don’t move unless I do,” she told him with out turning around. Reaching the first sensor, she pulled a small gold button out of her belt. Placing it on the side of the laser sensor, the laser flashed then went out. She continued this until there were 4 sensors left. Thankfully he had stayed right behind her as the device only lasted for about 10 seconds before the lasers overloaded them. Now, she had run out of said devices. Hoping he could follow her movements, she placed him right in front of herself.

“Follow my movements and we should be fine.”

Together they bother lifted their right legs and moved it forward, up and over the laser (which the target couldn’t see). Continuing with their left legs they made it over the laser, and copied it till they had made it halfway over the last one. Unfortunately the target slipped and his toe passed through the beam. Instantly the alarms began blaring. Seeing a line of large potted bushes leading from the doorway to either side, she ducked behind them, with the target in tow.

They watched as 5 guards came rushing in from the courtyard and fan out to begin searching the premise. Making their way towards the door behind the cover of the pots, she tossed a present for their hosts as they rushed out the door. They made into the shadows as she watched 10 heavily armed and armoured commandos descend from the sky. Grinning sinisterly, she whispered to the target, “This should be fun.” Pressing a button on her wristCOM, there could be seen a small spark from the sentry turret junction box. The device she had put in there reversed the sensors on the turrets, effectively making friends, enemies, and enemies, friends. The turrets started firing on the commandos, causing them to scatter and dive for cover. They made their way along the courtyard walls under protective cover fire from the turrets. Reaching the far wall, Temp tossed a rope over the wall.

“Wow, thanks for getting me out of their, I have to get back to the base. Who sent you anyway?”

“A benefactor.”

“Well they have my forever debt,” he said has he headed for the rope. But never made it. He was hit in the throat from a roundhouse kick so fast it seemed as if nothing touched him. Instantly going from walking forward to crumpling to the ground, he attempted to breathe through his crushed trachea. Blood began pooling on the ground from his mouth.

“I’ll leave you this last thought as you drown in your own blood. Next time don’t speak so freely, loose tongues have a tendency to get cut off.”

She left him lying there, trying to draw breath, crawling for the rope. He never made it.

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OOC

Now you may be wondering about some things that went on. First off, possibly why she waited until the end to kill him. Honestly I don’t know, but Temporal Strike has a sadistic side that gets carried away at times. Second, why he went with her when he knew there were people looking to kill him for the information he knew. He figured if she was there to kill him, she would’ve done it right away, not wait. Oh how wrong he was. Thirdly. Can Temporal Strike stop time? And what was the white glowing knife thingy? Well those are her powers. She can’t actually stop time per se, but she can move so fast it seems as if everyone around her has been frozen in time. As to the knife, it cuts through the targets consciousness and removes any memories of her ever being there. Quite handy, especially in her line of work. And the wristCOM you ask? Just think of it like a PDA on steroids, a LOT of steroids. The last thing, her present she left in the lobby, was a nicely made flash bang. The guards won’t be able to see for a couple hours, and their ears are probably bleeding pretty badly.

Sorry I took so long to respond, espceially since I read your story earlier in the other thread

I will start off by saying that your storytelling is pretty good. It takes almost a first person perspective and describes things as the character sees them, and it does so very well. I will admit the twist ending really surprised me, but your explanation does make sense. I suppose in the absance of any knowlege of your character (as I'm not very familiar with anyone's ongoing stories), it's only fair that we wouldn't understand, but again, it makes sense.

What I should also commend is your use of dynamic action in detail. I've attempted this, and it usually ends up too describtive and still ambiguous, so I am impressed. Even more so with your incorporation of speach into action - namely the main character talking to herself. Certainly that's an idea I need to exploit.

One thing I believe you need to put a little more detail to, however, is describtions in general. Through your narrative, I managed to piece together a few parts of your character's appearance, but overall I couldn't get a clear idea. For lack of a better referrence (on my part), I pictured her as wearing a Knives of Artemis outfit.

A few more enviromnetal describtions could have helped a bit, as well. Most strikingly so when she is hiding from a camera and looking for a key card. I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I got completely lost as to what is where, what the corridor looks like and where the guards are in it.

I know describtions slow down the action most of the time, but I've found that if you lump them together inbetween (and often just before) action scenes, it acts more as panoramic shot (visually) and doesn't so much detract from the action as it paints a picture of the surroundings so that once the action takes place, you don't lose orientation as to how it moves.

Overall, though, it was a very good story, especially considering the limitations you had to work with. My oppinion most likely has a lot to do with the style of writing I, myself, have adopted, so take that with a grain of salt. My preferrences are usually mostly just markers as to what I consider may be worth looking into. You don't need to agree with me, just think about it

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanaville Samuel_Tow is the only poster that makes me want to punch him in the head more often when I'm agreeing with him than when I'm disagreeing with him.

Hey, thanks for the feedback. Here's what her outfit looks like. And yeah I can see how things got a little confusing around the cell. The cell block is a square, with the cell, and camera, in the middle of one side. If that clears it up a little better for you. My writing skills need a lot of work, but doing an RP on the forums has help immensly, allowing me to not only practice, but see how others write too. Thanks again, and can't wait for the next scenario