The Adventures of Captain Sarcasm and The Heckler




It’s another typical day in Paragon City. On one of the overpasses near Atlas Park, a gang of Hellions stands over the fallen form of an old woman. Her purse is tipped over, its contents spilling into the gutter. One of the Hellions is on his knees next to her, battering her repeatedly while his cronies cheer him on. Suddenly, a voice calls out.

“Hey, look! That arch-villain is beating up that 80 year old lady. What a stud!”

Stopping in mid punch, the Hellion looks back over his right shoulder, through a crowd of his lackies. Through elbows and armpits, he catches a glimpse of purple and gold armor.

“It’s The Heckler! Let’s teach that costumed freak a lesson he won’t forget!” His elderly victim all but forgotten, the thug stands up, trampling the spilled contents of her purse. One of her lipsticks is ground underfoot. Small shards of black plastic and “Desert Shell” semi-gloss stick to his boot heel, leaving a pastel shaded crisscross pattern behind him as he steps forward.

“Oh no, Heckler! We better run, here come the big bad Hellions! I’m SO scared!” Stepping out from behind the massive shadow of The Heckler, Captain Sarcasm’s third eye winks at The Heckler, a smirk on his face.

“Cap, we wouldn’t have to run from these guys. I’m guessing a fast walk would have them gasping for air in half a block.” Looking from Captain Sarcasm back towards the Hellions, The Heckler says “Hey fatty, are you using a truck tire for a hula hoop or do you need to hit the treadmill?”

“Get em boys!” shouts the leader, leveling a machine gun at the two heroes and opening fire. The rest of them run forward, some with pistols, others with clubs and bats. The elderly victim seizes the moment to grab her purse and makes a run for it in the opposite direction.

“OH NO! Here they come! What ever shall we do?” says Captain Sarcasm dryly.

“No idea, Cap,” replies The Heckler with enthusiasm. “Maybe we can toss a box of donuts over the guard rail and they’ll all just follow it to their deaths.”

The Hellions are just 10 feet away now. They are all shooting and screaming, but The Heckler and Captain Sarcasm stand, unconcerned, as calm as if they are discussing the weather.

“I’m SO scared, Heckler. Hold me.”

“Just be glad you’re not a cheeseburger, Cap. These guys would finish you off in two bites.”

Mere steps away, four of the Hellions stop dead in their tracks, hands flying to their eyes.
“I’m blind!” one calls out, and is quickly echoed by the other three.

The Captain lowers his hand, which is still glowing with a sickly blue light. “Aww, they can’t see. That’s SO sad. I hope they’ll be okay!”

“I wouldn’t worry about it Cap, I’m sure the same thing happens when they see their girlfriends naked. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” in two quick strides he is on the two pistol wielding Hellions, a blur of kicks and punches that sends them reeling. One of them takes off running, but is quickly finished off with a wave of Captain Sarcasm’s hand. The other is soon unconscious, a chorus of black and blue bruises already showing up on his face.

Suddenly, the overpass is quiet. The leader of the Hellions reloads his weapon, cursing the weakness of his fallen gang. The Heckler leaps into the air and streaks towards him, a purple and gold blur. Captain Sarcasm, resplendent in red and blue, smiles wickedly as he advances, hands crackling with an otherworldly energy. An amazed bystander calls out “You guys are my new favorite heroes!”.

“Of course we are,” says Captain Sarcasm, pointing his hand at the Hellion leader, who has just now leveled his gun at The Heckler. A wan green light begins to circle him, and he suddenly looks as if he’s spent a long week drinking in Tijuana. As The Heckler hones in, he can only look up with a beaten look on his eyes.

Moments later, Captain Sarcasm and The Heckler are standing over the defeated leader. 5 eyes stare down at him blandly as the police rush up to take him to jail.

“Hey Cap, you think he has a thyroid condition? I mean, either this guy is fat, or he’s using the space between his head and shoulders to store a pack of hot dogs. You’d think a life of thuggery would keep you fit. Then again, he was beating up an old lady…”

“Well, I just hope he turns out OK. I’m sure a stint in prison will turn him into a fine, upstanding citizen that Paragon City can be proud of. Hey, did I really hear you talking about throwing a box of donuts over the overpass? Nice one.”

“Yeah. Well, with your concern for their well being, I’m guessing you’ll be sending them a leaflet on dietary health, Cap.”

“Oh, of course I will. I only do this because I care so much for them.”

“Yeah, of course you do.”

With that, The Heckler leaps into the air, and Captain Sarcasm disappears in a flash of light. It’s just another day in Paragon City, the good, the bad, and the funny.



ROFL. O my god that by far has to be the funniest thing I've read all week. I can just imagine a sitcom on comedy central.



Sitcom, eh?


Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.



“Just be glad you’re not a cheeseburger, Cap. These guys would finish you off in two bites.”

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((Loved this one.. ^^ There a to few a heroes with a good sense of humour.. A good repertoire can be just as deadly as any pair of super-powers.. ^^ A well-written and funny introduction for your heroes..))