Heroes of Paragon City: vol 16; epi 5 (Ironycon)




"So a seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks, 'What can I get for ya?'. And the seal replies, 'Anything but a Canadian Club!'".
--Mr Irony, later to be known as Ironycon.

(Theme music. Opening sequence and credits)

(Ext. Atlas park. Atlas memorial in background. Host, Anchor Man in foreground)

AnchorMan: Good evening and welcome to Heroes of Paragon City! I'm your host ANCHOR MAN.
Tonight we're going to take an indepth look at the hero Ironycon. The man, the machine, the Myth!... ... hey wait a minute. This isn't that robot with the fedora and cigar is it?... ... Oh, we're live?

(Int. BurgerKing. Tatianna at a booth. Black mask, black hair, black and silver costume. Giant broadsword. Drinking a strawberry shake.)

Tatianna: Yeah, I remember Ironycon. Weird guy, real wierd guy. When I first started fighting beside him he'd just run in and get hit. 'Wouldn't even throw a punch. He called it 'Tanking'.. .. Whatever.

(int. prestigous office. Books line the walls. Abe Horsworth. historian.)

Abe: When I think of the heroes of Paragon city, certain names come to mind. Miss Liberty, Positron, Valkyrie--

AnchorMan: And what about Ironycon?

Abe: ... hmmm. I think he would probably be at the bottom of my list.

(ext. Blyde square. Positron.)

Positron: He really is a force of nature. That's what he is. He rushes into combat selflessly and then, heroically, walks out unscathed. If there is one hero I can really call 'brother', it'd have to be Iron Man.

AnchorMan: But this is about Ironycon.

Positron: Ironycon?.. aww, I hate that guy.

(int. A comedy lounge.)

AnchorMan Narration: It was here at the "Laugh Out" that Ironycon, or Mr Ironic as he was known then, made his pre-super hero presence known.

(Earl Crawley. Club owner)
Earl: Mr Ironic started here in the seventies. He was new to comedy then. Before working for me I think he did some Andy Warhol films or something.

AnchorMan: To you, what was most memorable about Ironycon?

Earl: Well, for starters, he really wasn't all that funny. Ya know, I don't think he could tell a joke to save his life.

Anchorman: But you employed him at your comedy club?

Earl: He had a following, don't get me wrong. He kept the place full for a number of years. But, ya see, most comedians seem to know the difference between the audiance laughing with them and the audiance laughing at them. I don't think he did. In fact, I don't think there had been such an idiotic act since Wesley Willis.

Anchorman: Surely you're exagerating. I mean, worse than Wesley Willis?

Earl: I wish I was.. I wish was..

AnchorMan Narration: As the seventies waned into the early eighties the comedy market became saturated with younger, brighter comics of a new generation. And Mr Ironic's eccentric, often times misunderstood humor, failed to have a market.

(int. restaurant. average man at table)
(Paul Helsk. Retired comedian)
Paul: Mr Ironic and I were actually fired on the same day from seperate clubs. Which was a huge blow to my self esteem.

AnchorMan: Why is that?

Paul: Why? Because I was funny. He was... he was Mr Ironic!

AnchorMan: That makes sense.

(int. Business office. Chic man at desk. Entertainment posters on the walls.)

(Torrence Longist. Mr Ironic/Ironycon's agent)
Torrence: Ironycon has to be my highest maintenence client as well as my lowest revenue client. His ability to fail in any given situation and then claim success, is really quite amazing. In my opinion, he is the most positive pessimist I have ever met. Especially after the.. uh, accident.

AnchorMan: You are referring to the accident that gave him his powers?

Torrence: That's the one!

AnchorMan: Tell me about the accident.

Torrence: Well, it was only a few months after he was canned from the "Laugh Out". He was trying a number of professions around town. I think he was looking for his niche. He applied to be a zebra at the zoo. Then to be a bus driver even though he had no license. Then, of all things, he wanted to be a big-game hunter.

AnchorMan: Like, with an elephant gun and--

Torrence: Yeah, and the khaki shorts and the dumb hat. Unfortunatley, there isn't much of a market for them in Paragon city. So that idea went down as well

AnchorMan: Was it around this time that he had the accident?

Torrence: Yes, and that is when the feces really hit the oscillating cooling device.

AnchorMan Narration: When we return: the death of Mr Ironic and the birth of Ironycon!... And now a word from our sponsors.

(Two men in the smoking section of a restaurant. Nick lights a cigarette)

John: --and so, all I'm saying is if Al Roker were a woman, he'd be a pretty sexy chick!

Nick: John, aren't you going to light up?

John: No, Nick, I quit.

Nick: But you don't have a patch on your arm and your not chewing that horrible gum.

John: No, I found a better way.

Nick: You mean--

John: That's right! The Nicotory Supository!

Narration: You've tried the patch but there just aren't enough patches for your cravings. You've tried the gum and went comatose. You tried cold turkey and even the dog was scared. Why put your faith in a heartless and cruel medical science When there's a better way!

John: You see, each Nicotory Suppository is hand made by bhudist monks with only the finest Bolivian dewlap and then consecrated by our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Get smart, get the Nicotory Supository!

Nick: You're right John, I don't need these cancer sticks anymore!

John: Here, take mine.

(hands Nick his supository. Nick takes it, hesitantly.)

Narration: Warning: Nicotory Supository has been known to cause heart disease, anal leakage, right handedness, left handedness, uh-uh apropopitis, alien attacks, leprosy to your uncle Bob, and an overpowering urge to smoke cigarettes.


[[Ok, now I have to go back to work. I hope this was entertaining and I'll get on part two tomorow or the next day]



I remember running into Ironycon once... I was running along Steel Canyon, going to meet Positron for a lead on this water poisoning plot I had discovered (it turned out bad for me by the way... DON'T ask)...

Well, I get there, and Positron ISN'T THERE!! I mean... you know and I know, he's ALWAYS there. He NEVER MOVES... he's like one of them, beefeaters, ya know?

So I am just stumped, I mean... the world as I know it is at an end, isn't it? Someone got to POSITRON! Was it the Rikti? Tsoo in the area?? Did Dr. V rise from the sewers and pull Pos down to a slobbery death?

I'm standing there, wondering what to do next... when all of a sudden Ironycon nearly knocks me over running by... I tried to tell him to stop, but he didn't seem to hear me. Kept right on running, gods know where...

Then, scaring me out of my boots, Positron suddenly steps out from behinds the giant statue's feet. He'd been hiding there the whole time!

"Sorry about that," he says, "I just hate that guy..."



"I suppose the best word to describe Ironycon would be 'Polyvalent' or 'Vivadixiesubmarinetransmissionplot'. But I found those in the answer section of a really hard crossword puzzle, so I don't know what either of them mean. Why don't we just have the ladies call Ironycon 'Stallion' and the men say 'Master'".

(Theme music. ext. Atlas Park Memorial. AnchorMan)

AnchorMan: Welcome back to Heroes of Paragon City. I'm your Host, ANCHORMAN!
Ironycon had once been a flesh and blood human. Having been marginalized within the comedy world, he attempted a long line of proffesional endeavors. Although each was a failure, not to mention a bit ludicrous, it was his final attempts at a career that made him into the silver robot we all see and recognize... ... Look, Phil, I'm not gonna say "know and love" I just wont! Cue card or not, fire me or fire the writers!, but I wont say it!

(int. A restaurant. Average man)

(Paul Helsk. Retired comedian)

Paul: I've gotta say actually, the way that Ironycon got his powers is probably the only good joke that ever came out of that guy.

(int. Business office. Chic man at desk. Entertainment posters on walls.)

(Torrence Longist. Ironycon's Agent.)

Torrence: It was only a few weeks before the Rikti attack. And, as many of us in the entertainment business know, at this time Heroeing was becoming more and more commercial. Between spandex and enhancements you couldn't find an item that wasn't endorsed.

(int.Paul Helsk.)

Paul: And I guess Mr. Ironic gets the idea that he's gonna cash in on the heavy demand the market was putting out. So, he thought he'd get into the enhancement business.

AnchorMan: Was he successful?

Paul: No, total failure in fact. His first enhancement only worked for mutant-kitten-like heroes. Not a large market as you can guess. And all that it did was reduce the encumbrance of using your battlecry. As if that wasn't limiting, or ineffective enough, it really only worked if your battlecry was "meeoww, meeoww, meeoww, meeoww; meeoww, meeoww, meeoww, meeoww; meeoww, meeoww, meeoww, meeoww; meeoww!"

AnchorMan: So it didn't sell?

Paul: No, it did not sell.

(int. Torrence Longist)

Torrence: He was pretty broken up about the failure of his first endeavor. And he was also running out of money. But in my experience, when all of the odds are against Ironycon (or Mr Ironic as he was known then) and it appears that things can not possibly GET any worse.. He usually finds a way for it to get worse. It's like destiny almost.

(int. Cookie's Hardware. A tech enhancement store.)

(Cookie. Local entrepeneur)

Cookie: Mr Ironic came to my store, wondering what type of enhancments I was in the market for. I told him and he said he'd have twenty into me by the end of the week. I was overjoyed to have someone subcontract for me, these things are not easy to make. But then he goes on to ask me how to make them "really good".

(Torrence Longist)

Torrence: Cookie was very patient with Mr Ironic. It really is hard to tell a man that didn't even graduate from high school the basics of genius level physics. But she did her best.


Cookie: I explained that most technology enhancments are based upon Einsteines 'E=MC2'. In particular, using that theorum with speed of light quantifying science.

(Paul Helsk)

Paul: He didin't know what in the hell she was talking about. In fact, he figured that he'd get ahead of the market by reversing the common manufactoring process. So, rather than using Einsteins E=MC2, he tried to find the speed of Dark.

(Torrence Longist)

Torrence: Yes, it's true. He was trying to find the speed of Dark. I dont' know what got that into his head, much less why no one even attempted to stop him. I think we all sort of lost hope for the guy at around this point.

(int. An apartment Kitchen. On the table are a 1950's, silver bread-toaster and a calculator. Numerous wires run between the two)

AnchorMan Narration: But it was in the darkest of times and with the lowest of means that Ironycon was born. With the kitchen of a one-bedroom apartment as his lab, an antiquated toaster and calculator as his instruments, history was made. Sort of..

(Torrence Longist)

Torrence: His 'scientific' experiments were intended to reverse the process of burnt toast. I don't quite know how that works but you must admit that the results are.. .. well, he became a robot.

AnchorMan: This was around the time of the Rikti invasion. Did that have anything to do with the results?

Torrence: I'm not really sure. Some say there was a power outage at a crucial moment. Others say that a stray Rikti attack affected the experiment with him in its vicinity. There are many plausible possibilities... but no one thinks he found the speed of dark. I mean, that's just ridiculous.

(Paul Helsk)

Paul: And then suddenly, Mr Ironic was no more. And Ironycon, with the Rikti attacking, took center stage.

AnchorMan: Do you really think he took center stage?

Paul: Well, maybe not centerstage.. .. but he was a strong contributing influence.

AnchorMan: Really?

Paul: Ok, not a 'strong contributing influence' but he was defending the city during the attack.

AnchorMan: .... .... ....

Paul: Alright, alright! He did next to nothing and came out looking victorious. Are you happy now, AnchorMan? Jeez! I don't deserve this sort of behavior.

AnchorMan: ..... .....

(int. BurgerKing. Tatianna at a booth. Black mask, black hair, black and silver costume. Giant Broadsword. Eating a family sized pack of chicken nuggets.)

Tatianna: The way I heard it, he was pretty angry at first. Having been transformed and everything. So, he ran into the battle and fought the Rikti. His battlecry during that battle, which was quoted quite a bit by the media: "For the whole human race" was actually incorrect. I was fighting next to him during the first big Rikti push and i distinctly remember hearing: 'Not in the face!, Please not my beautiful face!"

(ext. Blyde Square.)


Positron: He served admirably. I was amazed by his honor and ferocity on the battle field. If a hero would stumble, he was there to aid them. If an enemy was sighted, he would not ask 'how many' but instead say 'in what direction'?

AnchorMan: Positron, I think you're talking about IonicMan. This show is about Ironycon.

Positron: Ironycon? Jump'in Jesus on a Pogo Stick! Let me tell ya about that guy. When I'd tell him something simple, like 'hold the left flank', he'd reply "no thank you, I drove myself here". ????. I'd say 'support the blaster' and he'd say: "Actually, the root of modern western artwork has much more heritage to eastern and middle eastern works than Roman or Greek works, as is commonly believed".

AnchorMan: Hmmm. Did he have a head injury or something?

Positron: If he did, its permanent. Just the other day he was asking for some advice, after I replied he said: "Arf, arf! I am the king of Cheese and all things lactic. Stare into my foot-scented enclosures!"

AnchorMan: Are you making this up?

Positron: AnchorMan, there are some things you just can't make up. The sh*t he says.. .. It's original. Idiotic, but it's original.

AnchorMan Narration: When we return: Fallout from the Rikti attack. And the post invasin Ironycon. And now, a message from our sponsor.

(int. Department store. Grizzled man in torn clothes. Left hand replaced with a chain saw and in his right hand he has a sawed-off shotgun.)

Ash: Hi, I'm Ash. The GOOD Ash! You might remember me from a few necronomican related encounters with the Vahizlok.
I'm here to tell you about all of the great deals down at your neighborhood S mart.

(Display case. Many guns inside.) Guns, guns, guns for all of your blasting needs! And hey, if your a super hero, the ammunition is absolutley free!

(clothing aisle) 20% off textiles this week only! And we have plenty of spandex!

Remember, shop smart, shop S Mart!

[[Brain pain! Me not good words with today]]