* * *
"Lucy, I'm home," Alec announced, as he came through the door. Even as he said it, he knew the effect was somewhat ruined by the fact he had absolutely no ability to mimic a Latin accent. Between that and the fact he was so tired, he didn't have high hopes for the joke.
"Who's Lucy? Are you calling me Lucy now?"
And, Alec reflected, the fun was even more ruined when the intended audience clearly had no familiarity with the source material he was referencing.
"It's what this guy in an old sitcom says to his wife when he gets home," Alec explained half-heartedly, as he closed and locked the front door behind him. "Because she's Lucy. It's one of those things."
Alec didn't bother with the light switch, as he started to remove the outer layers of his costume. The floating ball of energy in the hallway gave him enough illumination to see by.
"Waitaminute...I don't remember a proposal. You didn't even get me a ring. I feel cheated here!"
Alec stopped midway through hanging up his cloak in the hall closet. He turned round, arching an eyebrow. "I'm not even sure you're female."
The sphere of light bobbed up and down in feigned indignation. "Come on, do I look male to you?"
"You look like a ball of incorporeal spiritual stuff," Alec said, didactically, "besides, why would you need a ring? You don't even have hands."
"Principle of the thing? Besides," the presumably-female wisp added, "I could always sell it for money!"
"You know my card numbers," Alec said. "Hell, you probably know more of the bank passwords than I do. Lord knows I can never remember that Internet one. I'm not keeping you in poverty here."
"It's not the same," she complained, with the air of someone making the same case for the umpthteenth time, "that's still your money, not mine."
"Bell...we've gone over this. You could always get a job," Alec offered. With the cloak off, the mage then proceeded to unbutton and remove his tuxedo jacket, working the waiting coathanger's frame into the jacket's shoulders. As he hung the jacket up, he also pulled off his mask and slipped it into one of the coats outside pockets.
"I have a job, it's called being your evil minion," Bell the wisp retorted, "you just don't pay me anything because you're cheap!"
"Oh come on," Alec defended himself, "I let you buy anything you want. Even all those Japanese DVDs. I swear, whoever processes our Amazon orders probably has a very strange idea of what goes on in this house. If I get arrested someday, I hope you realise it's because you just had to..."
"I just like to see stories where a strong non-humanoid lead character has meaningful relationships," Bell sniffed, a young and impressionable wisp like me needs role models.
"Meaningful relationships don't end in tentacle...oh forget it," Alec said, trying to change the subject. "Look, sorry I'm late. Had to finish gathering samples from the scene before letting the regular lab guys at it."
"You could at least have called ahead," Bell complained.
"I did, your mobile must be off or something," Alec parried, while struggling with his bow-tie, "and you know the landline doesn't work ever since I used the wires to ward the house against...well, doesn't work right, anyway. I guess being able to dial 1880 kind of counts."
"Sorry," Bell said, the wisp's inner light pulsing in mild embarrassment, "I probably left it silent after updating the OS this morning. Um. I thought the house phone wasn't working at all, though? What's an 1880 number?"
"No, 1880," Alec corrected, "like, three years after Alexander Graham Bell started his phone company?"
"Oh, I thought you promised Mender Silos not to do stuff like that anymore."
"It was an accident," Alec grumbled, "and you don't have to tell him. The scary time cop doesnt need to know, okay? I'll get it fixed, alright? I'm just kinda busy right now."
"You're always busy," Bell noted, bobbing and weaving beside Alec as he made his way down the corridor, "I think after you use that excuse fifty-six times a month it sort of quits being effective."
"It just means I'm still busy," Alec said. "Like this stage magician killer thing. Which is time sensitive, Bell. Do you know what time sensitive means?"
It means something youre not capable of doing, Bell quipped, as she followed Alec up the stairs, staying roughly at shoulder height, if youre using our phone line to call people in the 19th century.
Thats, Alec said, raising a finger, not what I meant and you knew it. You have learned well, my disciple. You have taken your teachings and turned them against your master. But you are not a Jedi yet.
Shouldnt that be Sith?
Well, yeah, I guess, Alec said, as he reached the bathroom, finally flipping on a light switch, followed by the one for the heater. But I prefer exact quotes where possible, even when taking them completely out of context. Its good practice, you know.
Practice for what? Bell asked, as the magician began undoing his shirt.
Im a costumed hero type, Alec answered, smoothly. Witty quips and comebacks are part of the job. Come on, you know this. If I could figure out some way to stick a tiny little cape on you, youd totally be my sidekick. You could be Wisp Girl. Or maybe Idiot Ball.
Pass, thanks, Bell said, dryly, strictly support staff here! You dont pay me enough to put my insubstantial spherical non-body in danger.
Yeah, on that note, Alec said, as he turned the tap on and began to wash his hands and face, did you look through the files Leon sent over? Tonights victim was the third dead stage magician in a week. Unless we have some kind of really aggressive theatre critic on our hands, that kind of thing seems mildly worrying. At least to me.
If Bell had a face, or indeed any distinguishable features, she would have grimaced. Uh, yeah.
One time could have been, you know, just one of those things. But three dead guys who wore cheap tuxedos and cut ladies in half for a living? Thats pretty freaky. Besides, Halloweens coming up, and Leons worried this has something to do with that, Alec elaborated. Maybe hes right. I dont know. Not enough data. Well have to do some scrying prep tonight, need to have some show and tell for our friends in law enforcement tomorrow.
Ive already set it the table downstairs, Bell reassured him, weaving up and down in a way that approximated a nod. Oh, and theres some casserole in the fridge if youre hungry. I wasnt sure if you were getting dinner, so I kinda nuked something.
Thanks, I havent eaten since breakfast, actually, Alec said, sounding grateful. Until he stopped, his smile fading. Wait, casserole? Chicken and mushroom casserole?
Yes, Bell confirmed, a dangerous edge creeping into her tone, and whats wrong with my casserole?
You used the dried shitake from the kitchen cabinet, Alec questioned, sounding suspicious, right? Definitely the shitake, right? From the regular old mundane Chinese grocery? Not the other stuff that youre not supposed to get into?
Come on, gimme some credit here, Bell said, patiently, I dont get some kinda perverse enjoyment from seeing you under the influence of mind-altering substances. Especially since Im the one who has to clean up after!
You did it once, Alec pointed out.
Just the one time! And its not my fault you totally suck at labeling your psychoactive stuff, Bell grumbled, I mean, I didnt even know you could do that vision trance thing where your brain visits Atlantis or whatever. Its not like you briefed me that well when you hired me.
Well, you can compile a standard operating procedures manual for the next time I get a minion, Alec suggested, drying his hands on a towel.
You plan on doing that sometime soon? Youre not replacing me, are you? Because we totally agreed on three to four weeks notice, and...
Hey, chill. I was thinking about an intern or something. Someone for you to boss around, you know? Relax, Alec said.
Oh, right. Okay then, Bell gave a small muffled sound as she flickered, the light emanating from her spherical form rising in intensity, gotcha. I knew that.
Good, Alec said, staring at the wisp.
I totally knew that, Bell insisted.
Im not questioning you, Alec said, Im just trying to subtly hint you should get out of the bathroom so I can take a shower.
I could just turn around, Bell suggested.
Alec covered his face with a hand as he tried to figure out how to respond to that.
Bell looked innocent, or at least as innocent as an expressionless sphere could be. What?
Youre a floating ball of energy stuff, Alec said, slowly, so you dont have eyes. Im pretty sure you perceive the world omni-directionally or whatever it is youre doing. Thats...not the point. And...you know that, dont you. That was a good one. That was a very good one.
Thanks, Bell laughed, Ive been saving it for a while.
Applause, Alec said, dryly, now get out, before I figure out a way to raise a localised barrier against annoying wisps using toilet paper and toothpaste.
* * *
A/N: Yes, I named Alec's Blue Wisp buff pet. I can't be the only one that's done this...
@Acyl
VIRTUE
Blue: Realpolitik, Leading Lady, Glass Lass, Superball, Alec Kazam
Red: Battery Acid, Obsolete, Bugfix
Wannabe
"Well," Alec observed, "I can definitely tell you one thing about the victim."
"And that is?"
Alec straightened, rising slowly to his feet. He did so extremely carefully, with the slow and deliberate manner of a man aware that the surrounding floor and furniture were liberally coated in substances typically found within the human body.
"He's definitely dead," Alec said, thoughtfully.
Leon did not look amused. Not in the slightest. "I think," the policeman said, glaring at his costumed colleague, "I somehow knew that without your expert opinion."
"Oh," Alec mused, "did you? Yeah, I guess you would be professionally qualified to identify dead people. But you know, I've always figured eyeballing a dead guy really should be more of an art than a science."
"Look, Kazam," Leon said, suppressing the urge to sigh, "if you're not going to be helpful, I can go to MAGI and find a mystic who will. Preferably one who doesnt think hes a comedian."
"Wait, wait, Alec interjected, holding his gloved hands up in a placating manner, I'm not trying to be funny. Well, not more than I usually am, anyway. I meant hes dead. As opposed to, I dont know, undead. Hell, I can tell you for sure thats an actual genuine one-hundred-percent dead guy, not a really good homunculus or something.
Thats surprisingly insightful, Leon admitted, grudgingly. Fine, sorry. I guess you are taking this seriously.
The two men spent a long moment in silence, staring at the scene. The room would have been a reasonably pleasant living space, if it wasnt for the bloody corpse on the sofa. The fact that the apartments former resident had suffered copious stab wounds and severe mutilation put a significant dampener on things.
Wait til you get my bill. I charge extra for seriousness. Or I would, if I actually charged anything, Alec said, finally.
Youre a kind and generous soul, the policeman retorted.
I try, Alec shot back, I try. Its part of my eternal pledge of service to the community.
As he spoke, the magician made a few more motions with his fingers, tracing imaginary lines through the air. Combined with the borrowed sunglasses perched on his face, the groping gestures made him look like a politically incorrect caricature of a visually impaired person. Or failing that, a drunken tourist after too many cocktails. The fact he was wearing a small domino mask beneath the sunglasses didnt help the image.
Then Alec stopped, frozen in mid-gesture.
Leon frowned too, because hed been around costumed heroes enough to know that sort of thing was rarely a good sign. Cop instincts meant his hand twitched fractionally towards his holstered sidearm, before he forced himself to be calm. Problem?
Maybe, Alec said, slowly, a frown on his face, maybe not. Might have to revise that dead verdict. I mean, our victim isnt moving right now, but the murder weapon was zombies.
Zombies, Leon repeated, in a low tone.
Right, zombies, Alec said, well, I mean, strictly speaking the murder weapon per-se was the dagger over there. And there. And there.
The magician pointed at the ritual blades littering the apartment, most still stained with blood.
Probably the ones Pandoras Box had on clearance back in August, Alec continued, I didnt go down myself, but the tammyarcanus.org forums have review threads for athames, and...
This time, Leon did actually give a sigh. He knew it wasnt very professional of him, not the sort of thing a fine upstanding police officer should do. But he couldnt help it. He could feel his blood pressure climbing in a way that would disappoint his girlfriend. And she was already on his case to cut down on the burgers and eat more fish. Kazam?
The magician paused. Yeah?
Focus, Leon hissed, please?
Right, sorry, Alec said, though he didnt sound all that apologetic, just trying to give some context. You have to realise, youre not usually supposed to stab people with these things. Theyre ceremonial. Consecrated tools, not weapons. Unless youre really really angry, anyway. But yeah, zombies. Here, see...
With a swift gesture, Alec lifted the sunglasses from his eyes, spun the frames around, and then placed them on Leon before the detective even registered the mystic hero had invaded his personal space.
Leon scowled, and yanked the glasses off. Kazam, what the hell?
Huh...I could have sworn you had the codec for aura viewing, the magician muttered, uh, well, nevermind. Not important. Ill probably have to stream it to a monitor or something for evidence later, anyway. Though an active scry would probably be better, I guess. Just take my word for it. There were dead people in here. Besides our victim, I mean.
So youre saying, Leon asked, as he pocketed the sunglasses. They were his to begin with, but considering what hed just seen, he no longer felt comfortable wearing them. The costumed mage had done...something...to the lenses. The killers were zombies?
No. More like murder weapon part deux was zombies, Alec explained, folding the glasses and slipping them into a coat pocket, Im pretty sure someone was controlling the undead that broke in here. Remotely. Though, you know, with necromancers? A lot of them are kind of zombies themselves. Kind of comes with the territory. That territory being a grave, mostly.
Fine, whatever, Leon pressed, but theyre gone? If we send the forensics guys in here, theyre not going to be jumped by zombies hiding in the central heating or garbage chute?
Pretty sure theyre long gone, yeah. I can try to track them, but...yeah. Anyway, a zombie wouldnt fit in the radiator pipes. Or even the trash thing. Unless this is a very strange building, or theyre very small zombies, Alec said, but downsizing isnt that bad yet, even in this economy.
Okay. And our victim isnt going to suddenly get up and lurch at us?
I...cant say for certain, Alec said, after a second, but, uh, probably not? You said this was the third one, right? Third one this week? The other victims didnt go zombie, did they?
Leon scratched his head. The guys at the morgue havent called to complain.
Not yet, anyway, Alec pointed out.
Leon stared. Are you trying to tempt Murphy, Kazam?
I wear a costume and do magic, Alec replied, I tempt Murphy just by breathing.
So did that guy, Leon said, and look where it got him.
Yeah, Alec said, quietly. He glanced round the living room. Beneath the blood and other fluids, most of the space in the apartment was occupied by professional paraphernalia. There was even a box large enough to fit a person sitting in one corner, the sort with hinged doors and slots to insert swords.
Near the broken television, which had likely been knocked over in the violence, a big framed picture hung on the wall. It was a theatrical poster of the hand-painted style, depicting a man just barely recognisable as the apartments owner. The resemblance wasnt that close, partially because the man was obviously a lot younger in the promotional image, but mostly because the face on the poster hadnt been savaged repeatedly with a knife. The man in the picture wore a top hat and tuxedo with tails, a traditional stage magicians costume.
Im trying not to think about that, Alec admitted.
* * *
A/N: Just something I'm doing for fun. Figured I'd share here, since my usual group seems to like it thus far. Daily updates until it's finished, probably something like 14-15 parts total. I play Alec Kazam, costumed magician extraordinaire. Leon is a friend's character, a PPD officer somewhat loosely inspired by the Bubblegum Crisis character of the same name.
@Acyl
VIRTUE
Blue: Realpolitik, Leading Lady, Glass Lass, Superball, Alec Kazam
Red: Battery Acid, Obsolete, Bugfix