Could I ask whether English is your primary language?
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
It is, but I've always been atrocious at grammar and spelling.
Fair enough. A few things other than that then:
It's a little cliched. Admittedly not always a bad thing in superhero stuff which thrives on cliche and trope. The story's basically okay though.
I'd suggest, before posting, that you take the time to read over your work and possibly change it. It's not easy, I don't always do it on short pieces and I almost always wish I had. If you can spare the time, leave it a day before you read it. You'll have forgotten what you thought you aid and be reading what you did.
There are some logical issues you might spot then. For example:
"His green eyes darted around the area a bit, as if the figure was waiting for someone. The pace increased a little bit, but no one seemed to care. As the figure turned a corner, there was a man waiting for the person."
He's waiting for someone while walking around? 'Searching' might have been better.
Try to avoid repeating words where another word would do. It looks clumsy. Biggest example:
"The man grunted as he sat down before DAMOCLES, a high tech computer created by his friend, simply known as Trick. He watched as DAMOCLES turned on, and began to sift through a disk that he had put into DAMOCLES."
That 'DAMOCLES' bangs you in the eyes like a hammer!
"The man grunted as he sat down before DAMOCLES, a high tech computer created by his friend, simply known as Trick. He watched it boot up, and began to sift through a disk that he had put into the drive."
We got that it's called DAMOCLES (though it might have been interested to learn why), we don't need it spelled out three times in two sentences. This applies to most things and it's a common fault in amateur writing (I know I got called on it enough).
Disclaimer: The above may be humerous, or at least may be an attempt at humour. Try reading it that way.
Posts are OOC unless noted to be IC, or in an IC thread.
Haha, thanks for the tip. I'm taking my time with Part II. I know this first post was bad but I tend to (on MOST cases) improve as I go. But the tips are appreciated, and I'll take them into mind.
This is my first story using one of my characters within COH. Also my first attempt at using the CoH world too, hah.
But yeah, leave opinions, feedback, and whatever else you got. I'll take it with stride!
Also, there are going to be a total of three posts, which is the three 'parts'