I would say, you could do well to break it into more paragraphs. Other than that it's an interesting vignette.
The Roleplaying forum tends to be where people post stories, as well as engage in 'collaborative' RP threads. I'd say you'd get more views and reviews there. 
"City of Heroes. April 27, 2004 - August 31, 2012. Obliterated not with a weapon of mass destruction, not by an all-powerful supervillain... but by a cold-hearted and cowardly corporate suck-up."
Hey there Pron! Welcome to the boards!! 
And your story was a good read! But breaking it into paragraphs like Soul suggested, might be a good idea. 
~*~VexXxa~*~
The City Scoop Art Correspondent/Writer "ART IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER"//"Don't hate because VexXxa is HOT and you're NOT." - JOHNNYKAT
Yeah sorry for the giant wall of text. Apparently copying and pasting from word doesn't like to keep my paragraphs.
Sorry if this is in the wrong section. It said Fan "creations" and I searched around for another forum- anyways. I was looking for some feedback on my story I made. It's really rough. I wrote it during class so it isn't edited and there's not really much description. It's also not done yet. Here it goes.
To me, it was just another ordinary day. The sky was a dusky gray, the delinquents were hammering on the shack like always, and the coppers were up to their usual underhanded business. I stepped outside and took a breath of Mercy Island air. I had a serious headache the day after I was found beaten by some Longbows. In all honesty, nobody here cares if you live or die. Youre only worthy of life if you know where to get Superadine. Come to think of it, I never did find out who picked me up and brought me here. I know for a fact that it wasnt the RIP. Those corrupt bastards. I dont have any friends here, and I dont think I ever will. Nobody makes friends here. Its survival of the fittest. I dont remember much about how I got here, or where I started, but I do remember that I came here on a boat with about twenty other people. They gave us something before we got on; A shot of some kind of green liquid. We were all crammed together on the bottom, and after that, it was all a blur. Ive been here for ten days now. Ive learned the rules quickly; you have to if you like being alive. Ive memorized all the safe alleyways, rooftops, and underground tunnels. Ive even mapped out all the safe fly paths, even though I cant fly anymore. Anyway, I figured I would walk down to the landing and grab some eats. I cant sit in this dusty warehouse all day. Believe it or not, Mercy Island actually has some unreal food. Theres this small little rundown joint down in Darwins Landing, and at least once a week, I stop down there to grab a bite. The burgers have this distinct taste, that when you bite into one of them, you know that youre in Mercy Island... Yknow, when I got off of the boat, I knew that I never started in Mercy Island. Home for me is where I used to be. I remember the sunlit skies, the towering buildings The thing I miss the most though, the thing that I would give anything up for, is my flight. I dont even remember how it felt. The only wind I get in my face now is the smoke-scented, factory made wind. I hear rumors though. I hear that its like a whole new level of freedom. If I could fly, I could finally get off of this horrible island, and maybe go back to where I used to be- wherever that was. Sometimes I think that Im never going to get off of this Island. Other times, Im almost sure that theres a chance of escaping This smoke must be getting to me. Ive been doing all this thinking lately. Trying to figure out why Im here, where I came from. Its just so hard for me to remember. You know, Im not even hungry anymore. I guess I just needed some air. By now the Hellions are already raiding my warehouse, so I might as well look for a new home. I ran as fast and as hard as I could looking for any type of shelter with a window open, or an unlatched door. Anything. All of a sudden, I tripped. My whole leg went numb, and I couldnt get up. I was freaking out. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I felt like I was going to die. A mob of Longbows were heading towards me, getting ready to beat me. My skin started turning blood red, my eyes were burning, and my other leg went numb. My fingers and toes turned into claws, and my muscles grew 4 times bigger. I couldnt move, and I couldnt feel anything, but I knew I was powerful. The Longbows stood over my stiff body. I knew what they were going to do. I tried moving and getting up. Never before have I put so much energy into anything. All of a sudden, my insides started to burn, and all of my energy exploded out of my body. I got up, and I drew out my new claws. I had so much more speed and power than I did before. It was unreal. I slashed at their throats, letting out all of my hatred for whoever trapped me here. I couldnt control my actions. In a matter of seconds, there was blood everywhere. Seven red and white costumes were dead on the ground. A couple of seconds after marveling at what I just did, I passed out. I woke up in my warehouse again. There was a sensation of déjà vu. Is this what happened yesterday? Have I turned into a monster before? All of this is so confusing to me. I dont know where I came from, or what I am. Why was I chosen to come here, out of everyone else they could have picked? I..I need a hero.