Choices and decisions - a story of the future/past
By
LeighB_EU,
Posted on: 2008-10-18 24:37 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
I like this story Sek, builds a good atmosphere - are you planning on writing any more??
Yes Psy tbh the main problem is that the stories get written in my notebook and transferring them to my lappie is a real grind especially as they are sometimes quite long 
So there a couple of other stories which I may transfer to here...but that cuts into playing time 
A really intriguing story. I loved the future you've painted here. The switch of the point of view at the end is also done well.
Style and structure wise I think you're almost there but there a few tweaks I'd suggest. There are also a couple of times when you changed tense, which, while on the surface it may seem to work, is difficult to carry on and if you end up writing very long pieces like that can get a bit messy. I wouldn't say drop it in this story, just be careful when using it.
I've highlighted a few things I spotted.
As ever, PM or shout up here if your not sure about what I've said.
Editing points:
So we started to make our move slipping along the sides of the nearby buildings, that's when it started to go wrong. Repetition.
The Swarm creatures being much stronger,
Might read better with tougher'?
Thanks for the comments LeighB, across the 3 stories,the other 2 stories are in a sense shorter stories extracted from a much longer possible narrative. In a way I'm just trying to learn how to write again , well it is 30 years since I did any form of narrative writing
If you want to see some real talent look up SallyGrim over on fanfiction, my daughter almost scares me 
Ok with i13 on it's way Silver Spirit came up with a new character'
, which he wanted to use the new link facility on,so I had to decide whether I wanted to restart an old character use one of the names I already have waiting or maybe come up with something new.So I had a think but nothing really jumped out at me, yes a shield scrapper would be nice but I had one planned already.However it obviously got my subconscious going and anyway I had a dream, you know one of those ones you have as you're just waking and this is what came out of it.
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We'd heard a rumour, a rumour of food, a cache of food from the times before the dead times, tins of real food. It'd supposedly been found over on the east side, amongst the warehouses near the danger zone. The lure pulled at us and our gang's boss told us to spread out and find out who had it and where.
Further rumours filtered through from the sewer rats and the street rags, we heard if you went there" He would help you", who we asked "The Boy" was the reply "The Moon Boy". We reported back, Taurie was angry "who was this effin' boy, FIND OUT!"
We went out again and found the people who'd we questioned had vanished, disappeared. The Rattie got lucky, he saw a group packing up their meagre belongings and heading east, across the wrecked city. So we followed them through the ruins and sewers heading eastwards. We were careful not to be seen, by them or any swarm flyers. The world, whats left of it after the invasion, the wars and the arrival of The Swarm, is a wretched and dangerous place where the strong and careful survive. Even these sewer dregs would be tooled up with sharpened metal stakes, knives, hammers and clubs.
We tracked them over two nights of stealthy movement, avoiding the robot patrols and the Swarm spotters. We even heard a battle raging near the 63rd street station, clanking steam robots, gun-fire and the hideous chirring of Swarm. How long it would go on we didn't wait to find out, slipping quietly past through the sewers, silent as the rats who were avoiding the Hydra monsters which occasionally turned up and had to be burnt out to prevent them spreading.
Eventually we found where they were going and confirmed it by seeing the small groups of ragged, tattered sewer rats and 'burbs slipping into a central warehouse. There was a large open space in front of the main building where the rusted rail tracks passed through, which makes it difficult to approach stealthily. The warehouse was too close to the Swarm redzone for comfort, couldn't see why they'd stay here, it must be something pretty special. Jakey, who was on the far side of the warehouse, claimed that he'd seen something take out a swarm boss, we all thought he'd been at the rotgut again, cos he was pretty spooked. He kept saying "The shield was burning, man, burning"...Loser.
Taurie came with some of the big boys, all tooled up, we were gonna take that food, we ain't eat that good in months, rats and dogs taste like [censored] and don't really fill a belly and we ain't sunk so low as to eat others, not like that group we burnt out near the old 2nd street precinct building. We hadn't sunk that low yet.
So we started to make our move slipping along the sides of the nearby buildings, that's when it started to go wrong. Jakey was spotted by a flier, first we knew was the screams, he was half eat, then Billy did the stupid thing, he tried to help him, the flier immediately sensed it and found the rest of us and it called out. A terrible bloodcurdling sound, a screech, metallic hideously amplified, a scream in digital made of starts and stops too fast to truly make out. Within seconds we could all hear the chirring, whirring sound of wings.
Panic, we ran, ran as fast as we could heading for some sort of safety, we ran for the warehouse, get under cover, find a hole and disappear down it. We smashed down a door and broke into the warehouse.
It was huge in there, hadn't realised it was that big from outside, a huge open space with barrels and stuff scattered about. At the other end of the space I could see a figure, seeming as if crouched with something on its back glinting in the light that made into the space from the dirty broken skylights.
The size made us stop, the sound behind us set us running again, that metallic whirring chirring sound was getting louder and louder. Then the screams started as those alien bastards started to overtake the lads and they were disassembled while they were still alive.
The figure ahead stood up, I could see even through my desperation, he was a kid, a ragged kid but he had something strapped across his chest, holding something round on his back. He reached up and appeared to pull on a rope and I felt rain, droplets falling from the roof above me as I ran towards him but the smell wasn't water it was gasoline. It was falling all around us, the smell cloying the air making it difficult to breathe.
"Help us" I shouted hearing the sounds of death behind me...
I heard him clearly even though he didn't appear to raise his voice,
"I'm sorry but you made your choice when you came here to steal, the wrong choice I'm afraid"
With that he turned his back, I could see now I was getting closer, it was a shield strapped across his back, a slightly battered, scorch marked, golden metal shield with a strange shape in it's centre. I started to think I might catch him, drenched though I was, gasping for breath though I was, I snatched a glance over my shoulder to see that huge space full of alien madness, they'd all been drawn into the warehouse. All those weird shaped monstrosities, teeth, claws, scything limbs a mass of death and terror. I almost stumbled then ahead I saw the boy look back towards me, he flicked out a hand and fire blossomed. He dropped through the floor and the fire expanded, the heat hit he me and that was all I felt.
The explosion was immense, it takes time and skill to construct what in essence was a fuel-air bomb but it is worth it. The fire expanded, the vapour caught, it propagated, it blossomed, it burned, it exploded. The warehouse vaporised taking everything in it as fuel to the flame, a firestorm that first burst outwards, consuming all in its path, then as the oxygen was consumed a hurricane was pulled inwards preventing anything escaping the all consuming fire. The gang, what was left of it, burned so quickly that they didnt even know it had happened. The Swarm creatures being much stronger, made to survive the depths of space, lasted longer but still were just fuel for the fire, melting, dying in that inferno.
The boy stood later surveying his handiwork, seemingly unimpressed. He had walked away from the inferno through the sewerline underneath the building, the shield protecting him from the hell behind him. He had come to a conclusion, it was too slow, too piecemeal, the world would still be ruined, his mother was right. This was something that could only be stopped, corrected at its source, he had to go back to before this horrific present started and stop it ever happening.
He trudged off to find his mother and tell her of his decision, the Gods were right...again it had to be done, he had to find his family in the past and help them stop what had already happened. He started to try to rub some of the scorch marks off his shield with the sleeve of his shirt, it gave him something to do as he walked.
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Any comments suggestions gratefully recieved,oh and he does tie into the other stories I've posted before.
And the little avatar I'm now sporting is a version of this new character as drawn by Lil Girl.He will be seen in i13 as he said he's coming back tosave the world!