A for Android: Magenta Brand of Darkness

A for Android: Magenta Brand of Darkness

The cold and dry air prickled his lung in an awfully familiar way. Karakara base camp was far behind him and the majestic mass of Khan Tengri, the Lord of the Spirits loomed ahead. Coile closed his eyes. Tattoos made by Subaiku had faded out already but the terror brought by the pretender Azure Sting stayed away. In his mind's eye he saw the blue flower that he had planted in Steel Canyon university park. Inhaling the mountain air he could still feel the flower's simple fragrance caressing his senses. He felt serene.

The weather was excellent this time. Due to time difference and one of the fastest jets he had ever flown it was just a few hours past noon. There was barely a whisper of the wind and the sky was crystal clear. The Lord of the Spirits was favouring him. He muttered a humble prayer to the mountain. Then he broke gravity's hold of him and started to glide along the ground's forms upwards. There was was still journey to be made.

The siege of Paragon City had receded from his mind. There was a plan in motion that would try to pinpoint Requiem's location in some universe or the other. Coile was somewhat unclear about the details but understood that it was time to take the fight finally to him. Unless someone used a shortcut. The crackling quantum rifle strapped to his back was a constant reminder of what he was up against.

Still there was no turning back. When Requiem had contacted him he had known exactly which strings to pull. "I have what you love, lust, covet.", he had said. Nadia. Sword of Truth. Alive? Captive? "You can have her back. There is a way to survive what is to come." Coile knew what that meant. Betraying the Rebirth Alliance. Sabotaging their operations. Helping Requiem to achieve his goal.

That was what had been discussed with Hana Li. There was only a small chance that Requiem would keep any promise that he made. And if there was a world for afterwards he knew that Nadia would never want to live in it. At best he would get to be with his love in a world which she hated, and in which she hated him for his part. There was no way that he would be a party to treason. He would play the part long enough to free Sword if he had to but actually moving against his allies was something he could not see himself doing.

It all could be faked, too. He had only the man's own testimony of being the madman who was out to destroy the world. Even that was based on an assumption, based only on a name. The proof of Sword being alive was equally flimsy. Just a scream over the connection. So easily faked that Coile thought even he could have done that. None of that mattered. It could be a trap. It could be a plan to get him to switch sides. He did not care. There was the most fleeting chance of regaining what he cherished the most in his life. Nadia Forester. The Sword of Truth. How could he let it pass?

Requiem had promised there would be a contact upon his return to Khan Tengri. He had wanted to go there according to the original plan but no word of it had come. The war had thrown all schedules up in the air and eventually it had come down to a solo mission. No doubt people would have volunteered to come with him. Some had, in fact. But the more he thought about the situation the more he was certain that this was now between him and the villain. Others would have likely just faced their instant deaths. Requiem had gone to some trouble to ensure Coile coming to see him so there would be no immediate risk to his life.

The big weapon that he was carrying with him had the theoretical chance of killing his target. There were no illusions about his ability to effectively operate a large scale assault weapon. There was besides no chance that he could get a line of sight with it. Requiem was not a stupid man. Only arrogant and clinically insane. Arrogance was what Coile hoped would be his ace in the hole. While the big gun was a decoy the smaller pistol stripped to bare bones and mounted on his wrist was not. Concealed under his bulky winterwear it went largely undetected.

He wasn't that good with most things. That had been painfully clear to him for years and only been reinforced after he had come of age and left the farm on a more regular basis. Arriving to Paragon City had just underlined it all. Everyone else was more accomplished and had better resources. There was only one thing that he knew how to do - take aim and blast. The moves and energy regulation had been imprinted onto him by years of daily practice under the watchful eye of their mother, the ND-unit. He was confident that if it came down to taking a shot he would make it. The damage output was a cause for worry but he had thought of that too. The wrist pistol had been modified in a way that allowed him to take the full advantage of his natural abilities. Of his full abilities. He shuddered at the prospect but reminded himself that it was Nadia who was at stake. No sacrifice too high.

Coile cleared a wedge in the mountainside and the vastness of the eastern face stretched before him. This is where it had happened. Where he had lost her. Where he had lost himself. The echoes of despair, fear and terror nagged at him but the magics Subaiku had weaved on him held fast. He did not crack up. He took the full brunt of his darkest moments and only winced. His core had been put back together. For a price, of course. Nothing came free, especially no good thing. The unexpected effects were at work beneath the surface.

The altitudemeter had brought him almost directly to his target. There was a high, black pole erected into the snow. A marker. With an ominous gut feeling he drifted towards it. When he came closer he saw something on top of it. He glided up to gaze into the clear display case. A pair of sunglasses. He could not breath. The nagging voice warning about fakes and forgeries faded into oblivion. This was an unnecessary detail in a ruse. This was all genuine. Nadia's glasses. They had at least her body but at that point he stopped doubting the premise. Requiem held her. Alive. Alive.

She was alive.

There was an arrow attached to the pole beneath the display case, pointing upslope. He looked into that direction but saw nothing. He could have continued the journey presently but at the end he would need his strength so a resting period made sense. He would have to be on the top of his game, for Nadia. He floated down and fixed a small meal.

He had left a message behind. He hoped it would be delivered according to his instructions. It was a warning. If he had been contacted by Requiem in order to get him to compromise the fight there was no guarantees thatthere were not also others. There could have been multiple contacts. There could be moles active right now. With dread he remembered what Kitmarch had told of Coila. Coila had resurfaced after a long absence and started asking questions about how far the Fletched Alliance would go for Tempest. Kitmarch had mentioned a vendetta to avenge Sword. Sword who had the same day been revealed to be still alive. Too big a coincidence to be just that.

With a sigh he drove the more distant worries out of his mind. There was a task for which he needed his full concentration. He packed his gear neatly and prepared for the ascent. The quantum weapon's incessant noise made sure he stayed aware of the huge danger he was in.

There were no distractions between him and the cave.

The cave was cut through the ice and stone. There had been no reports about it during the search for Sword's body so it had to be relatively new. Made just for him he realized. This would be a classical example of a boobie-trap as Xan would put it. But he had known it all along. Ever since the certainty of Nadia's demise had been lifted there had been no actual choice for him. That he had ended up here alone and without backup was more a fling of luck than a part of the plan but standing there by the three meter high entrance he knew that this was as it was supposed to be.

With determination he walked into the cave, and into the darkness.

The tunnel was long and wide not unlike one that trains used passing through hills. Faint light shone down from longlife lamps hammered into the ceiling and the feel of the place was both old and new. Some cuts were fresh but the blast doors at the end of the tunnel had gone rusty with age. They had not been in use in years except that right now they had been pushed ajar. The temperature was still freezing but the air was still. Coile lowered his hood and without hesitation walked through the uninviting doorway.

The cavern seemed huge to him. There were still bases of walls left with the modules gone. Lone pipe brackets hung on the walls bare and useless. There had been an organized facility in here, now abandoned. A council base stripped down and evacuated. The cavern itself was brightly lit by lamps standing on posts and the air vibrated with the whirr of the generator powering them. In front of him two squads of council troops were waiting for him. Coile felt sudden dread. One man against two dozen highly trained soldiers. As he was personally invited these men receiving him would not be simple tossers. They were each and everyone bound to be a top trained combatant. His bold and rash plan felt suddenly as inadequate as it in truth was.

Coile approached the group unsurely but not having it in him to stop either. When he came closer a man spoke out. "You're expected." The man had signs sewed onto his clothing. Requiem's trooper. The other sign was something that Steel Guard had once called an archon. Coile didn't know if it was a rank, definition of status or description of the man's capabilities. The archon waved Coile to move forward without paying any attention to the quantum weapon strapped onto Coile's back. This added to his sense of premature defeat. His best chance wasn't even worth a glance to them.

Some distance away were black curtains draped from posts to form a separate space. That was the direction the archon had indicated. Coile slipped between two curtains and entered a small space about five meters per side. There was not much light from the outside but the illumination was not lacking nonetheless. A man-sized black crystal was emanating devilish purple light. There was also a screen on a stand showing static and nothing else. He opened his mouth to call out his host showing bravery and bravado but words refused to form. After an awkward silence he just uttered, "I am here."

His waiting was cut short by an entrance of a council man. This man was not wearing a helmet nor was he seemingly armed. He was almost as nervous as Coile and despite the subzero temperature was sporting a thin film of sweat on his face. He walked directly to the crystal and placed his hands on its surface. Then he recoiled his mouth opening into a voiceless scream. He spasmed like being electrocuted by a cannon prince and shook violently. Then he stood straight and turned his pits of purple energy for the eyes on his guest. Coile felt his heart sink. He was in the presence of Requiem.

The man whose eyes were leaking purple dark energy streams spoke. "Coile, of the Silent Tempest. It is well you have come. The weapons you have brought are puissant against my kind." He kept a small pause to enhance the impact. "But not puissant enough. If you have come to fight, let us be to it. If you have come to learn what you can gain, let us talk."

Coile had known his plan had its weak points but Requiem referring to multiple weapons made it clear that his every move had been anticipated and nullified even before he made them. All that he had left was the desire that had driven him back to Lord of the Spirits on a fool's quest.

Mustering some mysterious reserves of a man obsessed he forced himself to stand up for his cause. "Is she alive? Show me." If he could just retain an upper hand, show them all who was the boss. Keep them off-balance, gain what he had come here for. Keep the appearance of having aces up his sleeve, opposition guessing about his real might. The pools of purple evil bore into him, shrinking him inside. Quietly he added to his bolsterous demand. "Please."

"I speak for Lord Requiem, and He is not without mercy. Watch, and learn." Without him making any sort of gesture the screen flickered to life. Distantly Coile understood that once lured to here he was no longer worth the attention of the main villain himself. A lackey had been assigned to tend to him. All that evaporated as the picture commanded his complete attention.

There was a cell and in the middle of it a medical gurney. On the bed was truly her. Sword of Truth. Coile would have let out a squeak but his shock held him immobile and silent. She had not perished in the avalanche. By some means she had fallen into the hands of their deadliest adversary yet. Suddenly there was light in his life again. He did not notice that he was holding his breath nor that his eyes were watering up. Slowly he lifted his hand towards the screen.

There were tubes going into her feeding her some blue liquid. A helmet covered her head and temples. Her eyes were closed and she did not move. Coile's hand never touched the screen itself. Solitary words broke from his lips. "Sword. Can. I." He swallowed hard. "Can I meet her?" His host explained the situation. "She is not held on this earth. We are not so foolish, else your eager seeking telepaths and searchbots would have discovered her. If you make the right decisions, you will be reunited with her."

The last remnants of his ill prepared plans dwindled into nothingness. He could not just grab her and shoot their way out and make a daring escape into the freedom that was the open sky. If only he could get to her. Maybe there would be a way, even on some other Earth. He did not speak to the man but to the screen. "I want to see her in person. Take me to her."

Requiem's lackey was more than oblidging. "Certainly. All you must do to achieve that is agree to merge with one of my kind." This took the young hero completely off-guard. The sentence was valid by grammar but made no sense at all. "What? Become a nictus?" The sheer absurdity of the proposal was fully evident in the astounding disbelief of his voice. The man who remained nameless merely nodded.

"Blend with one. It is the only way we could trust you enough to allow you to see her before our deal is completed. Of course, there are other options available to you." Coile listened obediently. He was shaking under his tumultuous feelings. "You may conclude that your loved one", the councilman injected the last two words with a certain degree of mockery, "is not held by us, that this is all a fake. You may choose to believe that, but-", he held a dramatic pause to let the next scene to sink in with the intended intensity, "you would be responsible for cutting off her chance." He motioned to the screen.

A black-robed figure moved towards the unconscious Nadia holding a tool that spew ominous sparks. The tool went closer and closer stopping just shy of touching the collarbone. The councilman finished making his bargain. "You see, we are not unreasonable. You wish her to live, we wish for things. We can trade."

Fear was wrecking havoc with Coile and he managed only to acknowledge the fact that he had heard the man with a slight movement of his head. His mouth was terribly dry. His companion wasted no time in pressing his horrific point in. "Do we have to make clear the consquences of disobedience, or do you get the idea?" On screen the tool seemed to move ever closer even if it was impossible to be sure. Finally finding his voice again Coile rasped hoarsely. "I will do as you ask." He did not himself know whether or not he meant what he said.

He had had a resolve when he set out on this journey. He knew he would not follow through with any request that jeopardized the goal of his comrades-in-arms. It was paramount that Requiem was stopped. Enough heroes had laid down their lives in the line of duty and he had also risked his existence daily combating the vicious assault on his adopted hometown. Still at that exact moment all that he was aware of was the love of his life being under the knife. His predicament went unnoticed or at least unmarked by his captor.

"Excellent." On the screen the threatening tool was withdrawn. "Now, you are not a total idiot, so perhaps you have told others of your trip here? Even of your contact with us?" Avoiding eye contact only enhanced his apparent guilt. "What if I have?" Requiem's servant was not fazed by this prospect even if Coile had been forbidden to share any knowledge of the contact on the bane of his and Nadia's immediate death. It had in fact been anticipated. "Why, then your service to us will be somewhat more complex since we will have to ensure that you serve us adequatly while avoiding suspicion."

Grasping at intangible wisps for hopes Coile tried to avoid his situation deteriorating into a complete disaster. "You hold her. You can't have a better hold. I would do anything for her." He weighted his words and felt the taint of dishonesty. His hope was that the man did not see through his lies. "I wasn't going to. But, seeing her - there." Coile added a swallow which was not hard at all. His eyes kept returning to the screen.

"Yes. We are all slaves to the things that we love, aren't we? Even we of the Nictus. You know, thanks to your oh-so-sadly-deceased former advisor, of the most epic of Lord Requiem's true schemes. We are not unreasonable. You and she may survive the apocalypse, just as we Nicti will. All that you must do is serve us." This was it. One of the questions that had been burning in Coile's mind. "How? Everything will be destroyed. How can you survive that?"

It felt like there was a mesmerizing echo in the man's voice, or maybe it was purely imagined. Be that as it may it was having a disorienting effect. "Everything will be consumed by Lord Requiem into the Gestalt, and we will be reborn in the new universe. You can share this bounty, just as we who serve him will." There was a meaningful look. "If you are not foolish." The anguish was constricting him terribly. He looked at the screen. Nadia. So helpless. Sentenced to death if he did not co-operate. His own resolve concerning betrayal. Aloud he whispered. "Maybe she will forgive me."

His features were a showcase of a man broken. He had brought up from the pits of his memory the assault Azure Sting had visited on him. Despite Subaiku's sorcery he still could vividly recall the exact feeling of his core torn to pieces. He was still hanging onto thin threads of integrity and feigning loyal obedience. It came easier by the minute, slipping into the role, buying into the hype. In a hollow voice he inquired. "What do you want me to do?"

"Three things. You will gain for us the location of the three beacons that your friends have set, so that we may destroy them. You will place a device we shall give you into the Portal Corporation offices. And you will return to us for your Rebirth."

It was no small task that was imposed to him. Gradually it dawned to Coile what he was asked to do. No small time espionage that he could accomplish badly or other minor misdeeds that would eventually blow over. Full scale sabotage of resistance efforts and treason against the hero kind. He had not thought clearly about this before and now it was too late. Of course his lot would be something he could not go through with. How could he? Nadia on the screen. So close.

"I want to see her. In person. I want to touch her. Feel her. Then I'll believe. Then I'm yours." A ruse to get to the place where she was held? A ploy to heroically spring her out of captivity to together wage battle against insurmountable enemy forces and rush to freedom? Or a beginning of a fall of a man crushed by his overwhelming desires, the insane need to be with the person he had fallen in love with? The distinct lines were on a precipice of blurring.

"You know our condition if you wish to see her, Coile of the Tempest." The man stepped aside leaving a path open to the crystal. There was no goading in his voice nor posture. The offer was a genuine one. The crystal continued spewing out its magenta brand of darkness. It was so close. Just a step and a touch. Coile stretched his hands. To see Nadia. To touch her, know that she was real. The loneliness of past weeks was hammering at him. The void within was screaming to be filled. It would be so easy. Yet he did not take the necessary step. So far. "Would she be a nictus too?"

"We would make the offer, in exchange for your aid." As if it would make them benefactors of the highest order the man added, "We usually take. Here, we invite. Be blessed in such mercy from Lord Requiem." Coile's mind was ablaze. All contingencies were evaluated. Sword would never take such an offer. Never. But was that the only way? Coile heard his voice speak out words of madness. "Is it-", he began. "Does it have to be voluntary?" There was pride in the man's tone. "No, it does not. Revel in your opportunity."

The Nicti lived long. To be with her an eternity. Hands were still poised on the crystal. Just a step and a touch. Forever. Was that not how long a love was always sworn to last? To be a living embodiment of dedication an loyalty. "No. Not like this." He lowered his hands and looked away brushing the corner of his eye with his shoulder feeling surprisingly ashamed of a few tears. He would just have to play it out, try not to commit to too many actions he would not be able to atone for later. "Just get me the device."

"The Archon outside will give it to you, Coile of the Tempest, together with a drug which you must take. It will bury this from your conscious memory, otherwise your telepathic comrades will stop you in your tasks - though I caution you to complete them swiftly, and not to contact any other, for in that way lies your safety. And so the safety of your love."

Whatever little control over the situation he had hoped to retain was receding fast from his grasp. What if they had not thought out their plan completely? "How do I know what to do, if I don't remember?" There was a condescending tone as if an architect was forced to explain to the hammer why it needed to hit the nails. "Given that the process does not involve blowing things up, you are unlikely to understand it. Suffice to say that your subconscious will move you through your motions while your consciousness creates the rationales."

Desperation for a way out was burning him inside. Prove them wrong. Catch them on a lie. "One thing. Why would you keep your promise?" The possessed council man stood by the screen. "Perhaps we would not. We can offer no guarantee you would accept. You must ask yourself, is the chance she is alive, and the chance she will be returned to you, worth what you do? If not, then she will be as dead as if you had killed her, in your own mind."

No way out. No chance to turn the tables. What had he been thinking coming here alone? That he had a chance? That he could somehow outwit a lunatic who had thousands upon thousands of men under his command? All of his circling thoughts were coming to the same point. Defeated. "And what if I say no, now?" Maybe he could just back out. The reply was pragmatic. "Then she will die, and we will try to kill you."

Coile remembered a fantasy of his where he shot Requiem point blank in the chest ending his threat, released Nadia from captivity and handed her the sword he had brought along. Together they fought their way out of a tight situation as they had so many times before and returned to their life as it had been. He stood disillusioned now. "With those soldiers out there you would succeed."

The game was up. The only thing he could do was just delay. "What is happening to her now? What is that blue stuff?" Requiem's servant accepted the stalling as they were holding all the cards. "It keeps her docile, and the rest of the apparatus is to keep her from being located by mystics, or telepathy, or such."

Unable to draw his eyes from his dark-skinned goddess the young man was succumbing to absurdities. If he could not be with Nadia free then maybe in imprisonment. He swallowed hard and presented his last request. "Could I join her in there? As a captive?" That would give their enemies even more leverage but he hoped no one would be stupid enough to let two lives affect the fate of the world. Unfortunately he was not the only one to arrive to such a conclusion. "There is no gain in that for us." He feebly tried still. "A hostage? There are others still."

The bargain time was over. There would be no deals except those that Requiem had laid on the table. Enhanced with the assessment of his insignificance the man squandered his last hope. "We do not fear what you may do, Coile of the Tempest. Some explosions more or less will not affect your world's opposition to Lord Requiem's plans, and your tactical brilliance is nonexistent. The others are unlikely to participate. No, Coile, will you serve, or merge, or die?"

Chewing his lip he raced through the options. Serve he could not. He would have given his own life instantly to save Nadia but he just could not bring himself to betray his allies. His love was not strong enough, after all. Merging with a nictus would not be as direct a way to let his comrades down. But a merged Nadia would not be the woman that he cared for. It never occurred to him to ask how a nictus would have affected him. Two options eliminated. He knew that his own suggestion had been turned down. He did not repeat it because he hoped that the second time it would be accepted but because he could not speak aloud just the one thing left.

"Your options are keeping me a hostage, or killing me. I - I can't do it. I won't. I would lose her."There. It was said. The certainty of death left him empty. No daring charge at the enemy forces got him killed in the end. He ended up negotiating his own death sentence, haggling and bargaining until it was the only way forward. What remained was to execute the common resolution. "That is a brave decision, Coile of the Tempest."

The peaceful feeling in the screen was shattered by two council soldiers stepping into the view. They were holding assault rifles each pointing at the dormant Sword of Truth. Knowing was one thing, seeing first hand was an entirely other thing. "So, Hero Coile, the choice you have made for her. You may step back from the brink even now, or you may simply say 'I will not do it' and what will follow will follow, as surely as if you pulled the trigger yourself. Choose."

The choice of words would be irrelevant. Unless he yielded he might as well give the order to shoot himself. Doubts and fears were ripping him apart from the inside. Coile had heard of people who were so dedicated to their code of honour that they could sacrifice anything or anyone for that. He did not see himself capable of doing so. But the truth remained that he did not do anything to stop them. "Life for your love - or painful death." The man with glowing eyes cocked his head as if he was asking about if there were any requests about the dinner.

Numbness was forming a ball inside. It pushed the emotional turmoil towards the surface with an unrelenting vengeance making Coile's cheeks wet with tears he did not notice. His voice was low and soft because a louder expression would have broken before the end. He could not believe he had the strenght to make the decision on his own so he reasoned it through the one he had failed to ptotect or save. "She has way more integrity than me. She would never submit to it. She would die first. I know it. She - she is my everything. I serve my goddess." When all is lost faith is the only thing that offers salvation. Faith in yourself if you're strong, or else faith in a god, even of your own making. It was done.

"No, Hero Coile, one way or another you will serve our God." There was a hissing noise from behind Coile and a dart punched through the thick fabric of his clothing. It happened so fast. There was no fight to the death, there was only death. Darkness rushed at him and he began to fall. From somewhere a universe away he heard two bursts of automatic weapons and his sense of drama added a female scream.

He had failed in every account. He had gone down without any kind of fight, without inflicting any damage to the enemy. His actions had driven Sword of Truth to death and his fool's quest had cost him his own life. Strangely the latter was something he did not regret. His last thought was "I turned twenty today." and then he ceased.


(As usual, feedback is most welcome.)

Well, as with all the previous chapters in this saga, I am impressed with your strytelling, Coile.

You managed to capture the emotion and visualisations of the scenes you portrayed excellently (yet again).

I hope there is more coming, I'm looking forward to it if there is [img]/uk/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

So... if the guy finally dead? [img]/uk/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] [img]/uk/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] Good story mate.

I'll be bluntly honest here. It was not your best work.

It wasn't bad though, you can still write well. But as a whole, it didn't reach the same atmosphere and emotion that for example Pantheon of Beauty did. My feedback focuses on the negative side, just remember I did like the story and I think you can write. But here goes...

(Most of my critique comes from single fact: It is RPed scenes put into story. Even great RP moments rarely work well in fictional form without heavy editing. I understand you wanted to try your hand on it though.)

The story is quite long, and needlessly so, IMO. There were few things repeated, and other drawn out without clear direction and purpose. While that was interesting to read from point of view of plot and getting to know the char more, it lacked the kind of emotional oomph I would've expected. Also repetive in more technical way, there wasn't so much lows/highs or fast/slow moments.

On more specific point, the opening paragraph has way too names sprinkled on. It makes very heavy and confusing read. Karakara? Khan Tengri? Lord of Spirits? Subaiku? Azure Sting? Steel Canyon? Reader may not be familiar with any of them and can be put off by it. Personally, it could work if you just cut out the first paragraph altogether, and add few location markers in the later ones.

There were some good moments and thoughts also. Mostly dealing with the dilemma "How far would YOU go if it was your loved one in danger?"

My advice: Write shorter, kill your darlings. Use more artistic lisence if you use RPed scenes [img]/uk/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img].

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(Most of my critique comes from single fact: It is RPed scenes put into story. Even great RP moments rarely work well in fictional form without heavy editing. I understand you wanted to try your hand on it though.)

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Yep, that indeed was my aim. I wanted not to create as perfect a short story as possible but take an actual event as it was played, word by word, and then expand on it. A lot of times there are things going on that are not reflected in dialogue or in emotes. I wanted to see if I could explain the event from Coile's point of view - why he said something,m or reacted in some particular manner.

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The story is quite long, and needlessly so, IMO. There were few things repeated, and other drawn out without clear direction and purpose. While that was interesting to read from point of view of plot and getting to know the char more, it lacked the kind of emotional oomph I would've expected. Also repetive in more technical way, there wasn't so much lows/highs or fast/slow moments.

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I am thinking of maybe rewriting the whole story. It consists of two parts. The beginning was just a quickly written piece of explanation to the RP thread to others about where Coile left. It had a lot of plot relevant infirmation that was not integral to the story that took place. I want to mention that at the time of writing it I had no idea what as to come.

The pacing comes from what took place. Coile tried to get his way from one direction. When that failed ha had to trace his steps and then reiterate with a different angle. If I rewrite this I might just streamline it all, or handle the repetition in an entirely different manner. As it is it does not make a good story. You're in fact not the only one to remark on reoccurring elements.

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On more specific point, the opening paragraph has way too names sprinkled on. It makes very heavy and confusing read. Karakara? Khan Tengri? Lord of Spirits? Subaiku? Azure Sting? Steel Canyon? Reader may not be familiar with any of them and can be put off by it. Personally, it could work if you just cut out the first paragraph altogether, and add few location markers in the later ones.

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The first part and especially the first paragraph was more or less pure infodumping. I expected the original readers to be familiar with the setting and previous events. In the RP thread that was a somewhat safe assumption. As I did no special rewriting the end result didn't fit an independent story all that well.

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My advice: Write shorter, kill your darlings. Use more artistic lisence if you use RPed scenes [img]/uk/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img].

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Probably next I will. This was an exercise to work with only the material given and expanding with speculation withou altering one single detail.

Thanks for your thoughts!