Bonnot's backstory.

The backstory for Bonnot, a thugs MM in planning and member of "the Gang". constructive criticism welcomed!


It’s early in the morning in a dingy kitchen, somewhere in the Kings Row district of Paragon City.
“You need to get a job, Elie. We can’t afford to have you living here forever without you at least covering the food you eat.”
“I’ve tried, Mom. There’s not much to do around here, half the businesses have shut down and the other half can’t afford to staff extra people.”
“Well you need to do something, because we can’t afford to keep you any more. You’re 20 now. A man should be working. You’re grandfather had made a lot of money by your age. If you’re father wasn’t such a drunk, we wouldn’t have these problems.”

It’s noon in an almost deserted alley. Four suspicious figures are hanging around a car that is far too expensive to be theirs. Smash. An elbow in a leather jacket goes through a car window.
“Great! This guy left his keys!”
“Who does stuff like that any more?”
“I dunno, forget about that.”
“Hey, a hero! Let’s get out of here!”
The car screeches off.

The same four are now at a shabby dump, full of burned out cars. One of them is admiring the handiwork. An arms dealer is counting cash.
“Fifty, one, one fifty, two, two fifty. Thanks kids, this ones gonna be real easy t’ disguise.”
“Need many more?”
“Business is drying up. Only needed the one.”
“Any other work?”
“Like I said kids, business is drying up. You need something more stable.”
“Thanks anyway, Victor. Call us if Octave finds anything for us.”
“Will do, kids.”

“Here’s some money, Mom. Hope it helps.”

Two days later, in an abandoned warehouse. A shady looking guy is talking to four amateur looking thugs.
“It’s a simple smash 'n' grab. We split the profits. You kids got nothing to worry about. I’ve got some handguns for the job, just in case. I’m gonna need these back.”
“I'm sticking with my lighter, thanks.”
“Octave, thanks a lot man. You and Max are doing us a massive favour.”
“More like you kids are doing us a favour. See, there’s stuff there we need there. We wouldn’t just be sending you in for the cash.”
“Guns?”
“Much bigger kid. We’re expanding. Vic told you business was drying up. The boxes will be marked. Max cased the place a week ago and took the numbers. For a big guy he sure is smarter than we give him credit.”
The thugs eye each other anxiously.

An alarm is sounding in the background. Fire spreading through what looks like a stock room. Suddenly, sirens can be heard.
“Longbow! I can’t believe this! Octave said we had nothing to worry about!”
“Calm down Elie. We’ll be fine. We’ve got the boxes and there was plenty of cash in that safe. Did you know Jean could crack those?”
“What!? He kept that quiet! Agh. Run!”
A short scuffle occurs and three of the thugs escape. One of them is knocked out by a pole. The Longbow agents place the leftover under arrest and hand him over to the officials at the Ziggursky correctional facility.

The next morning, Elie wakes up. He can't focus his eyes.
”God, my head! What the… Where am I?”
“This the Zig mate. Wasyername?”
“Uh, E-… my friends call me Bonnot.” They do from now.
“Nice ta make yer ‘quaintance.”
“So, what’s your name?”
“Bob.”
“Uh-huh.”
Suddenly, it sounds like a war zone outside. Looking through the tiny hole in the cell door, about 100 soldiers clad in body armour adorned with red spider symbols are blasting the guards with strange mace-weapons. Did they just turn to dust? One of the soldiers points his mace weapon to the door and shoots out a strange red beam, and the door disintegrates - almost as if it had never been there.
He blacks out again.

*sniff* Cool story Bonnot. Real cool. *sniff* yeah, I enjoyed reading it. *sniff*

Could do with the old Microsoft Word grammar check though, that is, if you wanted to improve it.

Would also recommend using the ["Hey!" shouted Elie] format, the current layout confused me at times.

hey, thanks.
i intended it to be a little confusing - reflecting the nature of several people in dialogue simultaneously.

I did like the unmarked dialogue. It wasn't that unclear who was speaking (i've read similar type of things where it is VERY confusing.) The whole thing reminded me of movie trailer/teaser with the fast pace and focus on dialogue and short descriptions of the places. There was some grammar errors, most noticable was "you're" used instead of "your".

Personally I would cut the "lead texts" even more. For example "two days later" isn't really necessary, it is clear from the context it happens shortly after and it doesn't really matter if it's day, two days or a week. I might even make the leads shorter and more bulletinpoint style "It's early in the morning..." into "Early morning in a dingy kitchen..." and so on.

It was nice, I liked the down-to-earth and shabby feel of the story. It is just a guy who wasn't succeeding in life, maybe he wasn't so evil as just lacking in morals (and perhaps in wits) and who knows where his path will now. Will he become hardened criminal or is there hope of salvation? It has lot of character development possibilities.

Pyranha