Heart Cancer: The Fall of The Smoking Demon

PART 1 - MEMORIES OF BURSTING LUNGS

'Puff Puff'.

Atta instantly recognised the voice and threw himself at the barred door.

'Been a while Harry'. Atta was always angry but smart too and he quickly realised the futility and cliche of his act. He stood back and starred from under his brow. 'You've lost weight', The Smoking Demon rasped.

It had been almost a year since the two had met. It was in a courtroom, but that's not what both thought of now. They thought of the smashing of bones, the cracking of limbs, the coughing and the wheezing. Atta thought of his dead lieutentant's all around him, and Smoking of Atta's glowing green eyes from fury.

'So I heard ya a offical Hollow's city hall boy now', Atta smirked in front of some deeper feeling. 'Hollows Liason, pretty fancy eh', Smoking grinned in his own amusement. 'So do the soft clothes, and crisp paper make ya feel less a murderer? Atta said, with his smirk gone. 'Nah, I remember all the Trollkin head's I busted up', Smoking continued to grin. But not deep under the grin Smoking shuddered for an instance, remembering the old days, his brutality, his crusade, his zero tolerance, but worst of all his casuality amongst it.

'You know you gonna get nothing from me so why ya here!', Atta bellowed. Smoking grinned, 'Come on Harry, former drug lord saying no before he know's what someone's offering'. 'What you offering you punk? Colour T.V?', Atta laughed purely at the mess of Smoking behind his shades, and grin. Smoking grinned and replied calmly, 'Oh no Harry. I'm offering something far more interesting than that..'

(PART 2 coming soon)

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The Smoking Demon
Ash/Tar Corruptor
Union

@The Smoking Demon

Well, not enough has happened to draw any conclusions so I'll stick with critiquing you writing style, which needs work. Specifically around the dialogue. Since its all jammed together it's difficult to follow. Take a new line (actually new parapgraph) everytime a new character speaks.

So that this;

[ QUOTE ]
'You know you gonna get nothing from me so why ya here!', Atta bellowed. Smoking grinned, 'Come on Harry, former drug lord saying no before he know's what someone's offering'. 'What you offering you punk? Colour T.V?', Atta laughed purely at the mess of Smoking behind his shades, and grin. Smoking grinned and replied calmly, 'Oh no Harry. I'm offering something far more interesting than that..'

[/ QUOTE ]

Becomes

'You know you gonna get nothing from me so why ya here!', Atta bellowed.

Smoking grinned, 'Come on Harry, former drug lord saying no before he know's what someone's offering'.

'What you offering you punk? Colour T.V?', Atta laughed purely at the mess of Smoking behind his shades, and grin.

Smoking grinned and replied calmly, 'Oh no Harry. I'm offering something far more interesting than that..'

And much easier for the reader to follow. Also, full stops and commas go inside the quotation marks.

Hope that helps

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(O.O) Bunny: Our time is coming
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