Kevin Schultz's edit pass of "This is War"

INTRODUCTION

"This is War, Part I - the Revenge of Hro'Dtozh" is a five-part story arc written by DeviousMe. Based on the request of the author, I am posting my review/edit of the arc here. As stated in previous threads, my goal here is to perform both a line edit, (which focuses on grammar and syntax and consistent style issues) as well as a developmental edit (which focuses on theme and mood and flow and characterization.)

The character I played through the arc was Lion Argent, a 50 WP/DM Tanker. He's got a good assortment of mid-range IO's, and is optimized for defense and Smash/Lethal resistances; in that pocket, He can reasonably tank 8 +1 boss spawns solo. Outside of that specialization, he's merely an OK tank. I played through three times on Unyielding/4, first at lvl 32 or so, and then at 40, and finally at lvl 50.

METHODOLOGY

As I played through, I copy/pasted every piece of text I could see into a Word doc, and gave it a pretty thorough edit pass - and at that point, I realized that this story arc didn't actually need a line edit; the author has actually done a very nice job on that part. So, I guess this critique is going to focus on the OTHER side of an edit pass.

GENERAL REACTION

Thematically, this piece seemed to want to center on the consequences and compromises one makes in order to win against the threat of total annihilation. The strengths of the piece were the technical ability and thoroughness of the creator, a consistent attention to detail, and a sharp eye for dialog. The piece was lessened, unfortunately, by an unintigrated plot/theme, too many named NPC's diluting the focus of the piece, and a head banger of a deus ex machina ending that doesn't seem to do anything but conveniently finish off the story and lessen the impact of the ultimate choice.

As a whole, I give this story 3.5 stars - the technical attention to detail, dialog, and characterization all really were quite good. But ultimately each episode, while well-crafted, didn't hold together in any real way other than "Lady Grey wants you to do stuff against this general guy", the ending is frustrating, and all of the major NPC's feel like they've been dropped in from other story arcs.
So - it's a bit late now, but over the next few days I'll be doing a fairly in-depth critique of this story arc on a mission-by-mission basis. It'll be a work in progress, so I plan on saving the next five postings for each mission, and fill them in as I collect my thoughts.

PLOT SUMMARY

The contact is Lady Grey, who tells you that as a consequence of your previous mission (ie, the Lady Grey Task Force), the defeated General Hro'Dtozh is pushing even harder in revenge. So, she sends you off to relieve a group of beleagured Vanguard. In doing so, you meet Warmaster Cher'tak, a Vanguard ally who was leading the attack. After freeing him and his soldiers, you recover some battle plans that confirm that Hro'Dtozh is on the move.

Lady Grey then sends you out to rescue Serpent Drummer, whose team was overrun while investigating a Rikti base. You are promised reinforcements, but are cautioned that they may take some time in arriving. While in the base you end up saving a pair of Malta Agents, who were also investigating the ruins. You agree to team up temporarily, as even the Malta realize that a Rikti invasion would ultimately kill everyone on the planet, and not just supers. While rescuing Serpent Drummer you are confronted by the Rikti magus who captured him. You are able to defeat him with the assistence of Warmaster Cher'tak's Vanguard troops, who finally arrive during the climactic fight to assist you.

Lady Grey's third mission takes you to King's Row, where the Rikti seem to be trying to hold the neighborhood for themselves. You discover that a leader named Naun'Kom was using a pair of commanders to coordinate the effort, but after defeating them both he came to take charge of things personally. You were then able to defeat him, and bring him back for questioning. Under interrogation, it is revealed that Naun'Kom was attempting to seize ground for himself, on the assumption that Hro'Dtozh would inevitably be defeated at some later point.

However, Hro'Dtozh quickly realizes that Naun'Kom has been captured, and sends his most feared forces (from the task force - the Four Riders) to prevent Vanguard from retrieving any information from him. Lady Grey asks that you protect the vanguard base, and so drops you off in the middle of a war zone. Surprisingly, both the Malta from the previous mission, Warmaster Cer'tak, as well as an additional Warmaster are there to assist you in taking down the Riders in the midst of a clash between Vanguard, Malta, Rikti, and of all things Nemesis.

In the aftermath of this battle, things are still grim, and Lady Grey asks you to potentially sacrifice your ideals, and assassinate Hro'Dtozh. She sends a Vanguard Sword squad with you, to assist in your killings. Finding Hro'Dtozh is relatively easy with the information you've gathered, but in the end it turns out to be a Nemesis robot clone.

THE GOOD
<ul type="square">[*]Nice to have the boss ally right in front.[*]Pretty straightforward mission. Nice that it's a fairly small map.[*]The EB at the end went down pretty darned quick - I pretty much just tanked, and the NPC's did the rest.[*]I'm noticing that you're paying lots of attention to the dialogs and success text, but you don't do much with the About text on the stock critters. I'd like to see more information in there, like their names or what they're doing there to begin with. However, I'm guessing this is because you're running pretty close to the limit on space. [*] This was the first place I think I saw the 'unconcious' emote used for hostages. It worked very well, IMO.[*]Other thoughts - this is where I start seeing your attention to technical detail: all possible uses of success text are used, but it's not too wordy. Your dialog is short and punchy, and easily readable. Your Rikti-speak is also quite good. So much so that I really don't have much to say in terms of technical feedback on the dialog, clues, NPC chatter, beginning or ending dialogs, Lady Grey intro and conclusion, or that sort of thing.[/list]
THE NEUTRAL
<ul type="square">[*]Not sure what the foreshadowing of Warmaster's Cher'Tak is. I see this throughout, and still don't know what to do with it. Also, the phrase "with a strange, unseen smirk" - a smirk is a visual cue. I don't know how I can tell he's smirking if I can't see it. [*]There are Vanguard patrols, but because I'm going so slowly through this (and cut/pasting text, mainly), by the time I get to them they are either just standing around, or else dead.[*]I'm guessing this would feel more like a war zone if I was in a group, and not soloing it. As it is, it feels more like "just another Rikti mission", rather than a battle raging around me. However, it's kinda hard to get those kind of numbers in the mission without a team.[*]I noticed that you managed to introduce Warmaster Kul'bere here, without actually having her on-stage. Nice bit of foreshadowing to justify having her show up later. That being said - it wasn't enough. When she shows up later, it still feels like she's dropping in out of the blue. [/list]
THE NOT-SO GOOD
<ul type="square">[*]I noticed only one typo, and that may have been due to a cut/paste error. In the closing dialog, Lady Grey says " We would be fools to ingore such an ally," - I'm guessing that's supposed to be "ignore".
[*] The title is flat - that is, it does only one thing. That thing is that it does nicely sum up the plot of the mission, but that's the ONLY thing it does - it doesn't seem to support any sort of theme, or foreshadow, or characterize the narrator, or anything else. It's also a bit cliche, but because it's so short it's not too noticable.
[*]This is only a not-so-good in retrospect: the mission itself was fine, with solid technique and a good plot. However, as the beginning of a five-part story arc, I'm not seeing a strong theme here. In fact, even after playing through it three times and scouring over the text I've cut/pasted into Word, I'm still not sure what you're going for.

My initial thought was that your theme was going to be something like "the moral compromises we make in times of war to avoid a horrific fate"; that seems to be the theme of whole Stranger/Lady Grey story arcs, in a sort of "Superhero Black Ops" sort of way.

And that, at times, does seem to be the theme of this piece - especially in the climax, where Lady Grey asks you to assassinate the general. Even more telling is that the line she speaks ("This is war") to justify the request is the title of the arc. But the rest of the story doesn't really seem to support that theme: except for that one choice, every other possible moral quandary (teaming up with questionable Rikti, teaming up with the Malta) isn't a hard choice - we never see any sort of negative consequence of doing so. The malta don't take the time to further their own anti-super agenda, the Rikti don't...I dunno, attempt to convert a bunch of humans, or whatever. And the big reveal at the end ("it was all a Nemesis robot") just cheapens the moral sacrifice the character makes - I chose to assassinate the general, but the power of that sacrifice (in a moral and dramatic sense) was invalidated by the fact that it was just an automaton.

So based on that, my other thought was that the theme could somehow be "the odd stuff that happens when you're fighting a war" - strange bedfellows, odd alliances, completely random events determining the fate of battles, etc. So when Lady Grey tells me "This is war" - what she' s really saying is "completely random crap happens in a battle - deal with it." But this feels like I'm trying to shoehorn a theme in where it doesn't really fit.

And another question I'm having when playing through this is this: whose story is this? Who is actually the protagonist? One of the ways to determine this is to determine who has a dramatic realization that changes their life in some way, and then proceeds to act on that realization. (In fact, this is pretty much the literary definition of climax.) This goes back to my original though on theme - that it's about the moral compromises people make in times of war. But if THAT'S the case then, the PC is the main character, and the climax is their decision to assassinate the General. But if that's really the theme, then it once more goes back to being unsupported by the rest of the story and minimized by the reveal at the end. [/list]

THE GOOD

<ul type="square">[*]Ah - busted base map - appropriate for the scene.[*]Cute use of the TNT emote for Whisky Tumbleweed. [*] Here even more than before, I noticed a good attention to NPC ally detail. I particularly noticed their hostage/rescue dialog, About text, and their lost/found dialog. All excellent ways of showing characterization. [*] Interesting use of reinforcement for the EB - they actually come to help YOU defeat him, rather than the other way' round. [/list]
THE NEUTRAL

<ul type="square">[*]Dune Fort is a killstealer, even more so than the previous groups.[*]Dra'gon tended to use his "taunt" dialog a lot. I think he was regening, then getting knocked back down.[/list]
THE NOT-SO-GOOD

<ul type="square">[*]The first and second time I played through this, Whisky Tumbleweed spawned right near the exit, so he was pretty much pointless for the mission. The third time, though, he spawned a level above his commander, so either I got lucky, or you moved the spawn points.[*]Didn't see any success text for freeing Serpent Drummer.[*]Issue - Due to the AI, I had Serpent Drummer die twice on me - he, like the other two NPC's, insists on standing in the AoE of the Dra'gon. Occasionally he'd run off (which kept him alive long enough to have himdie right before I defeated the general), but the other time I had no real way to keep him alive.[*] Another flat mission title. It succicintly tells me what this mission will be about, but doesn't do anything else. [*] And here's the start of my 2nd main complaint with this arc: too many fleshed-out NPC's. While this might not seem to be a problem, and I found their interaction funny and strongly characterized, they felt like they ought to be central characters in their own stories. Basically, for a story this size, they overpower the rest of the story with their presence. Whisky Tumbleweed and Kul'bere, in particular, were so against type (the "calm professional Malta agent" and "the barely intelligible alien") that they felt like a PC group - ie, a collection of highly-capable dysfunctional misfits that hang together solely because they're PC's. Dune Fort and Cher'tak, on the other hand, seemed to be strongly characterized but not in such a way as to make them stand out. (The leader of the Vanguard Sword as well, actually.)

I know it's a weird complaint to say that your characters were too interesting, but it does have precedence - this was one of the warnings I recall from my writing class about avoiding unnecessary detail in minor plot elements (such as minor characters). And for a story this size, you really can't have four additional characters running around without their presence warping things. [/list]

THE GOOD

<ul type="square">[*] Another mission with good attention to technical detail.[*] The whole "two bosses to fight, and then fight their leader" does sound like an interesting thing to have happen.[/list]
THE NEUTRAL

<ul type="square">[*] Nice attempt to characterize the war zone with the clicky body bags and piles of dust, but it didn't work for me. It just felt sterile. I really think it would have worked better if you had somehow been able to get the Rikti actually killing civilians (ie, custom patrols of really weak NPC's that really sucked and would consistently get cut down by any Rikti they find.)[*] The main drive behind Naun'Kom's actions are interesting (he believed that the General would fail, and so went off by himself), but we're left hanging: what exactly did Naun'Kom know, and why is he acting on it? Did he know that the general was an automaton, or was he just savvy enough to recognize a losing gambit? Without that knowledge, this just plays into the general theme of "random crap happens in war, and you can't make sense of it, so don't bother". Which I don't think you were trying to go for.[/list]
THE NOT-SO-GOOD

<ul type="square">[*] Mission title - decent enough, but it's one that SOUNDS like it should be having more to do with the theme than it actually does. Thus, it's a bit misleading and as a result, confusing. [*] This one was a grind, pure and simple. I stealthed it all three times I played, and even then it was my least favorite of all the missions.[*] Typo in the resolution dialog: "We have alrady ordered" should probably be "already". [*] Oh, this one is true for all of the missions, but I'll put it here - I'm noticing inconsistencies in the royal We that Lady Grey uses. I'm not sure of the actual technical rules for its use (I thought it was used when the Queen is explicitly choosing making a statement in her role as head of state), but very often I saw uncapitalized "we"'s and "us"es and "ours" scattered amongst the text in places I thought would use it. [*] These missions kind of feel disconnected from each other. Part of it is that, so far, they kinda are: they're connected only because they're things that Lady Grey wants done, and in her role as commander she is asking you to do them. But other than that it's really just kind of random crap that occurs.
I think part of it is that I'm really not reading the text of Lady Grey all that closely - while you've successfully characterized her dialog, you've successfully characterized her as verbose and slightly pretentious. As such, I don't really WANT to read her dialog.[/list]

THE GOOD
<ul type="square">[*] This mission really brings home the feel of "this is war" - lots of explosions going off, enemies and allies everywhere, all that good stuff. It's interestingly chaotic.[*] Once again, lots of attention to detail. The dialog was once more tight[/list]

THE NEUTRAL
<ul type="square">[*] Once the initial slaughter was over, the various groups just kind of stood around. However, that's part of the engine, so I know you really can't control that very well. [*] One time when I played through, Dune Fort and one of the riders spawned RIGHT ON TOP of each other - I had to search around for the final minion that was holding him "hostage" - even though he wasn't really doing anything (just standing there).
[/list]

THE NOT-SO-GOOD
<ul type="square">[*] Nemesis? What the heck?!? Where did THESE yahoos come from? While Lady Grey mentions them in her closing mission dialog, she doesn't really say anything more about it other than "Oh, that idiot was there? Ah, well." (Unfortunately, I forgot to cut/paste that text, so I can't go and review it.) I don't see any follow-up to it in the next mission, even though it seems pretty obvious that the General wanted to silence Non'Khom for some reason - and that reason probably was that Non'Khom new either his location or else his connection to Nemesis. But most commanders probably know his location, and trying to cover up a Nemesis connection by calling in a Nemesis groundstrike is... an unorthodox tactic, at best. [*] Rider: Famine is functionally impossible to beat as a melee without seriously jacking your Lucks - Both times I beat him, I did so by either jacking myself with inspirations, or else taunting him and then dragging him over the remaining turrets. Unfortunately, the allies are completely useless on it - they'll insist on closing to melee range, and then get feared/drained. [*] I think the compass text was off - I still had "Find Curthak (optional), even though he was with me. The person I didn't have was Whisky-Tumbleweed.[*]Kul'bere is a fun character (ie, a Rikti that has a better communicator than most), but she comes completely out of the blue; I know you mentioned her earlier, but she's added in essentially at the last minute. I can't figure out why she's there except to act as an additional ally against the Riders.[*] Even though I enjoyed the mission, it feels like a contrived Superfiends episode, with all the NPC's coincidentally being there to help.[*] Once again, I found the Mission title flat - it tells us what's going on in the mission, and little more. [/list]

THE GOOD

<ul type="square">[*] Once again - good attention to technical detail. The mission itself was focused and well-created. No real complaints on that regard.[/list]

THE NEUTRAL

<ul type="square">[*]The way to collect the Sword troops felt a bit odd - they're all kneeling in various different locations. While I understand the likely limitations, it just kinda felt weird.[*] Another time in which it really probably would have worked better in a larger team. As it was, the General was just kinda chilling by himself down in a sewer - as a consequence it didn't feel like I was invading a camp headquarters. (with the Sword, it did feel like I was going on a surgical strike, though.)[/list]
THE NOT-SO-GOOD

<ul type="square">[*] The conclusion from Lady Grey is odd. "On the other hand, We have sufficient rumor concerning 'Nemesis plots', and cannot rule out he would have his own creation claim victory over his person. " This sounds like she has been told that the General claimed victory over Nemesis at some point. When did THIS happen? I scanned back over the Lady Grey TF, and didn't see any mention there. Is this in reference to the Dark Watcher's story arc? In looking over the final debriefing for that, there's no mention of the General making any sort of declaration like that. Did I miss a quote in your arc somewhere?

OK - now that I've gone over and re-read both of those story arcs, this plot makes slightly more sense; (I've played through both, but it's been over a year.) With that in mind - you really, really, REALLY need to put in a bit more backstory for those of us that have played through those missions, but don't recall the exact plot. This would also allow you to re-enforce the idea that it's a good idea to mention all major players in the first 1/4 of a story, even if it's not obvious that you're doing so. Something like "To distract his troops from 'Lord' Nemesis' role in their first invasion, Hro'Dtohz has been pushing our forces back on every front." or something like that. Just this one remark will serve to foreshadow Nemesis showing up later in the story. (And really, this single line would be enough to bump my star rating from 3.5 to four.) [*] Once again, the name is flat - and it's also confusing, as it's the second time you've used a chess reference. As a consequence, that implies a chess theme, but you really don't have that going on. Recommendation - either make chess a recurring element, or else only use chess imagery once. (A good example of consistent naming terminology is actually the Lady Grey Task Force: all of the mission names in there both describe the mission AND are biblical references to the book of Revelations - which goes to the overall theme of that TF, which is about the destruction of the Earth.) [*] And I'll put it here, even though it's been an issue throughout your arc - your acceptance links all have periods in them. This breaks with convention (no offical mission links have periods like that), and clashes with the "Tell me about something else" link that is right beneath it. [/list]

So - with all that in mind: what would I recommend?

<ul type="square">
1. Decide on your theme and stick with it - "Horrors of war" is a good one, although previous story arcs in the Rikti war zone have done that. "Compromises we make to win" is another potential one. "Wierd stuff happens on the battlefield" is a potential one, but that might be a bit difficult to work with, as doing random stuff on purpose looks a great deal like doing random stuff on accident. "War is like Chess" would even be OK, if you want to expand on the chess imagery. (You could even layer the chess imagery atop one of the other themes, if you wanted to, as long as it wasn't too heavy-handed.)

2. Get rid of some of the major NPC's - there are simply too many of them. Kul'bere is the most obvious, as she serves no purpose other than to act as an additional NPC in the 4th episode. Whisky Tango would be the other, as he is simply too quirky for his own good.

3. Deal with the loose ends - what did Naun'kom and Cher'tak know about Hro'Dtohz, and when did they know it; alternately, hang a lantern on the fact that you're not dealing with those ends, in order to foreshadow further missions.

4. Address the issue of allying yourself with the Malta - Of course, this may only be an issue if you're doing the "consequences of war" theme.

5. Related to #1: Determine whose story this is - which can be defined as "who has an internal realization and then acts on that realization". It's probably going to be either Lady Grey, or else the PC. Of the two, it's easier to control Lady Grey's thoughts and speech, so I'd personally recommend forming the story around her, with the PC being the PoV character.[/list]