The following is a transcription of a conversation between a bartender at Pocket D and a known extraterrestrial felon. The method is, obviously, secret.
The bartender's name is <deleted>. The name of the felon is General Tharg:
(Bartender is bt, felon is gt)
bt: Hey dude what can can I get you?
gt: Have you a combination of levorotary sweetener, methyl alcohol and nitric acid?
bt: Sure, coming right up.
(MIXING SOUNDS)
bt: Here ya go.
gt: Excellent.
(WIPING SOUNDS)
bt: So. New around here?
gt: Define here. Co-ordinates in galactic general accepted.
bt: Um... Earth?
gt: Ah, yes, you are a planet centric people. Yes, in the time frame you no doubt adhere to, I am "new" "here". I came with a large fleet recently to enslave or destroy your planet.
bt: Heard that before. Another?
gt: Yes. Continue to produce said beverages without further comment.
bt: Uh...
gt: My meaning was not to ask if I would wish another beverage. I am yet to completely assimilate your strange language. Please... um...
bt: Keep em coming?
gt: Ah, understanding is. Yes. Keep em coming.
bt: Done. So. What happened?
gt: Do you wish the chronological telling of events in a vernacular mode?
bt: Sure, tell me your story.
gt: So I shall.
bt: This one is on me.
gt: Liquid sustinance without the tendering of specie?
bt: Every third one free, dude. Um...
gt: I understand. Appreciation tendered in place of specie.
bt: You could leave a tip.
gt: Accessing language database. Ah, yes. Tip. Do not fight a space war with the Rikti.
bt: Thanks. The story?
gt: I am the Illustrious General Tharg. I lead the Fleet of the People of Thrag' (CLICKING SOUND GARBLED UNTRANSLATABLE) Conquest.
bt: Lead?
gt: Used to lead, you unfertilized ovum.
bt: Sorry.
gt: Our Glorious Fleet entered the outer Oort cloud of your planetary system and was set upon by the fleet of those that you call Rikti. The battle was wonderful. Unfortunately the outcome was against us. Several ships survived, but with engine damage. Mine ended up on a ballistic course toward your planet. My escape pod was able to pierce your planetary defenses while your planet based defenses destroyed my ship.
I was having... relations... with my thirdwife when the alarm sounded. I left her with my helmet and rushed to the escape pod. I regret the loss of my helmet. With it I would have been strong enough to enslave your planet single handed. Without it I will have to work... longer... harder. The lack of a helmet makes me marginally vulnerable. Should I kill you now having told you this?
bt: Have a double on me.
(MOMENT OF SILENCE)
gt: Appreciation tendered. You shall not die now. Another tip. Remain silent about this and live.
bt: Thanks.
gt: Understood.
bt: Anyway...
gt: Yes the... story. My escape pod was built for two things. Stealth and information gathering. I decided that the group called Arachnos and the one called Kalinda would be the ones to help me in my... understanding of your people. I can discuss no more of that. My plans are my own.
bt: Well... um... can I ask you some personal questions?
gt: Personal. Define? Checking database. Ah! You wish to know about the me that is in this corporeal form. Checking database... I do not go that way.
bt: No NO!. A few questions about you. Yourself.
gt: Understood. Ask your questions. Understand: The wrong questions might end your existence on this plane.
bt: I've heard that as well. Pocket D is more powerful than you might think.
gt: This I also know. When I started to make my presence known here I was surprised that the lowest of your non-lawful types could cause me damage. My armor is so far and beyond the technology of anything on your ball of mud. But without my helmet I have limited access to the features of my suit. I have since then activated the nanodevices that will bond the armor to my body. At this time I simply have a single eye device and circuitry growing into my head. Soon I shall have a helmet better than the one I left with my secondwife.
bt: Thirdwife?
gt: Whatever. Regardless. I grow stronger every day. Soon I shall be indestructable.
bt: Why do you have a beard?
gt: Beard?
gt: Ah. Humor. The tendrils around my mouth parts are my sexual organs. I leave them exposed due to my loss of wives. I may yet attract a mate with them. Several of my fleet still survive. Wait what is this? Oh, I see. A small insect has attached itself to my armor. I kill it n.... (STATIC)
((my first time at this be kind))
The following is a transcription of a conversation between a bartender at Pocket D and a known extraterrestrial felon. The method is, obviously, secret.
The bartender's name is <deleted>. The name of the felon is General Tharg:
(Bartender is bt, felon is gt)
bt: Hey dude what can can I get you?
gt: Have you a combination of levorotary sweetener, methyl alcohol and nitric acid?
bt: Sure, coming right up.
(MIXING SOUNDS)
bt: Here ya go.
gt: Excellent.
(WIPING SOUNDS)
bt: So. New around here?
gt: Define here. Co-ordinates in galactic general accepted.
bt: Um... Earth?
gt: Ah, yes, you are a planet centric people. Yes, in the time frame you no doubt adhere to, I am "new" "here". I came with a large fleet recently to enslave or destroy your planet.
bt: Heard that before. Another?
gt: Yes. Continue to produce said beverages without further comment.
bt: Uh...
gt: My meaning was not to ask if I would wish another beverage. I am yet to completely assimilate your strange language. Please... um...
bt: Keep em coming?
gt: Ah, understanding is. Yes. Keep em coming.
bt: Done. So. What happened?
gt: Do you wish the chronological telling of events in a vernacular mode?
bt: Sure, tell me your story.
gt: So I shall.
bt: This one is on me.
gt: Liquid sustinance without the tendering of specie?
bt: Every third one free, dude. Um...
gt: I understand. Appreciation tendered in place of specie.
bt: You could leave a tip.
gt: Accessing language database. Ah, yes. Tip. Do not fight a space war with the Rikti.
bt: Thanks. The story?
gt: I am the Illustrious General Tharg. I lead the Fleet of the People of Thrag' (CLICKING SOUND GARBLED UNTRANSLATABLE) Conquest.
bt: Lead?
gt: Used to lead, you unfertilized ovum.
bt: Sorry.
gt: Our Glorious Fleet entered the outer Oort cloud of your planetary system and was set upon by the fleet of those that you call Rikti. The battle was wonderful. Unfortunately the outcome was against us. Several ships survived, but with engine damage. Mine ended up on a ballistic course toward your planet. My escape pod was able to pierce your planetary defenses while your planet based defenses destroyed my ship.
I was having... relations... with my thirdwife when the alarm sounded. I left her with my helmet and rushed to the escape pod. I regret the loss of my helmet. With it I would have been strong enough to enslave your planet single handed. Without it I will have to work... longer... harder. The lack of a helmet makes me marginally vulnerable. Should I kill you now having told you this?
bt: Have a double on me.
(MOMENT OF SILENCE)
gt: Appreciation tendered. You shall not die now. Another tip. Remain silent about this and live.
bt: Thanks.
gt: Understood.
bt: Anyway...
gt: Yes the... story. My escape pod was built for two things. Stealth and information gathering. I decided that the group called Arachnos and the one called Kalinda would be the ones to help me in my... understanding of your people. I can discuss no more of that. My plans are my own.
bt: Well... um... can I ask you some personal questions?
gt: Personal. Define? Checking database. Ah! You wish to know about the me that is in this corporeal form. Checking database... I do not go that way.
bt: No NO!. A few questions about you. Yourself.
gt: Understood. Ask your questions. Understand: The wrong questions might end your existence on this plane.
bt: I've heard that as well. Pocket D is more powerful than you might think.
gt: This I also know. When I started to make my presence known here I was surprised that the lowest of your non-lawful types could cause me damage. My armor is so far and beyond the technology of anything on your ball of mud. But without my helmet I have limited access to the features of my suit. I have since then activated the nanodevices that will bond the armor to my body. At this time I simply have a single eye device and circuitry growing into my head. Soon I shall have a helmet better than the one I left with my secondwife.
bt: Thirdwife?
gt: Whatever. Regardless. I grow stronger every day. Soon I shall be indestructable.
bt: Why do you have a beard?
gt: Beard?
gt: Ah. Humor. The tendrils around my mouth parts are my sexual organs. I leave them exposed due to my loss of wives. I may yet attract a mate with them. Several of my fleet still survive. Wait what is this? Oh, I see. A small insect has attached itself to my armor. I kill it n.... (STATIC)
Transcript ends.
No Signal