Good work! The concept and the execution are both well done. I liked the twist with Jason turning out to be the cause of Rafe's downfall and that Rafe believed in him despite the appearances.
It's an interesting take on the fallen hero origin story that does a good job of explaining why someone with an heroic bent, but who's not a goody-two-shoes, would end up on the "wrong side of the tracks".
Thanks Slick, I appreciate the comments. Folks, if you're gonna take the time to read this far, would you mind a few more moments? Please shoot a quick reply, and let me know what you think. I'm considering trying to write professionally, and I'd like to know if I'm any good before I start spending 1000's of hours at it. Thanks in advance.
Rael - 50 eb/em Blaster - Virtue
Crimzon - 50 grav/ff Controller - Virtue
Externus - em/ ea 50 Stalker Virtue
While I'm no professional writer, it's my understanding that spending thousands of hours is how you get good at it... 
Ow. Touche'. Very true, and I have spent quite a lot of time at this, but I have only my wife to say whether it is any good. I have other stories to post and I'm hoping for some critique. However that seems to be hard for most people to take the time to do.
Rael - 50 eb/em Blaster - Virtue
Crimzon - 50 grav/ff Controller - Virtue
Externus - em/ ea 50 Stalker Virtue
Yeah, for writing (and most things), practice makes perfect. Heck, take a look at my Grey's Army thread. I've been using that to chisel at my skills since it started.
Ugh... When I think about how much I want to delete that first post...
Of course, because of how forums work, that would probably delete the whole thread.
My Stories
Look at that. A full-grown woman pulling off pigtails. Her crazy is off the charts.
Feedback is a rare thing, it's true. I take it as a compliment when someone takes the time, even if they're being critical.
Part of that comes from so many stories here being serial in nature. You don't actually get to the end until some indeterminate time in the future, and some never really end. Comments in the thread get intermixed into the story and break the rhythm, which sort of trains people to NOT give feedback.
Ultimately, though, I'd consider this - it's the opinion of many professional writers that a "writer" is someone who writes because they must. The fact that they're also able to be paid money for it is a nice bonus, but those stories would have been written regardless.
If you're looking for assurances that you can quit your day job and write a novel, well, one of my favorite sci-fi authors is very popular, been somewhat prolific at times, and is currently filing for bankruptcy. The Steven King's and J.K. Rolling's of the world are few and far between.
The way to get the assurance you're looking for is not to wait for random readers of a forum to take the time to comment. It's to write something and convince an agent to represent you or sell it to a publisher (a real publisher, not a vanity publisher). Even then, I wouldn't quit my day job right away.
In any case, if you're a "writer" then it's because writing has some kind of value to YOU. If it also turns out to have some value to others, that's icing on the cake. Don't base your own desire to continue writing on whether "enough" people say they like it.
Gotta say, great story. Nice characterizations even with the tight narrative, an impressive feat. Hope to see you do more.
Id hated him for years. I couldnt help but be jealous. I mean, who wouldnt be? Six years later my own powers developed, much to my relief and wonder. Why so long between us? I dont know. He and I are fraternal twins. That is, non-identical. My name is Rafe. I feel bad for hating him now, it was selfish, but wed competed all our lives. When he was able to blast holes in walls from fifty feet away, he had eclipsed me completely. We were twelve years old when Raels powers manifested for the first time. I remember the day very well. That day, my brother became a hero for the first time, by saving me.
Remember when your parents told you not to speak with strangers? Well they were right. Completely.
I loved planes as a child. I had models and posters all over my room. We came from an obscenely wealthy family so I could collect as much as I wanted. Books, videos, documentaries, whatever I could get my hands on. When other kids were sweating long division, Id already mastered the physics of lift, thrust, drag and speed over ground. Military planes were a particular favorite. Id told my father that I wanted to be an Air Force pilot. He told me that the military was for people who couldnt afford a decent college. Hed already had plans for me at Yale, his alma mater.
One day, as I had done many times past, I had rode my bike to a nearby private airfield, and sat watching my fathers friends take off in their Cessnas, Leer's, and Beechcraft's. I spent a lot of time there. Rael was failing several subjects and spent a good deal of time with tutors. Where there was a certain satisfaction to knowing I was smarter than he was, it left me alone a lot. One day, a mechanic from a nearby hangar saw me, and came over. He was a plane nut, like me. We talked for a bit that day, and then many times after. His name was Manny and we became friends.
For a long while Id been searching for a particular model of the B-52 that was out of circulation for many years. One day Manny showed up with the very model Id been searching for. He gave it to me as a gift. Excited, I hugged him and ran off home, to start it.
Rael was mad when he heard where Id gotten the model. He warned me incessantly about Manny. Remember what Dad said. Because we are Van Peals, people might try to steal us for ransom.
I wouldnt listen. Manny was a plane nut like me. Thats all. Besides Id never told him my last name. Hed never asked.
The next day I went back to the airfield. I watched the planes take off, and enjoyed the day in the cool grass. Manny came after about an hour. For the first time he pulled up in a car. An old beat up mini-van.
Cmere Rafe. I got a new book on that B-52! It just came in at Waldenbooks today! I could see him smiling from the car; he held the book so I could see it. What can I say, I was stupid. I went to the car. The book was huge, with a B-52 Stratofortress on the cover. Excited, I opened the door and climbed in. He handed me the book and we flipped through the pages, checking out the big glossy prints. It was great. I was already making plans to get to the bookstore to get my own copy.
Close the door, would you Rafe?
Huh, why? I replied looking up.
Because I told you to, he said in his same calm voice. It took me a moment to see the knife in his left hand. For just a moment I froze. Then I tried my damnest to get outa that car. He was fast. He had a hold of my left arm before I could get far enough away. I yelled. Like I had never yelled before.
Shut up or Ill cut your fkin throat, you little rat
I fought him, as best as I could. He seemed hesitant about using the knife on me, though. And then Rael was there. He came in through the open drivers window, howling like a banshee. He grabbed Manny around the neck, and was punching him in the face. Im sure it didnt hurt as bad as being hit by a adult, but Im sure it didnt tickle either. Manny turned in his seat, without letting my arm go, and brought up his left arm towards Rael.
Rael, hes got a knife!
I can still remember the look on Raels face when he saw the knife. His eyes got real wide, and then a look of fear and awe came over him. Then the world turned upside down. My next memory is being loaded into an ambulance, with Rael in tears at my side. All he was saying over and over, was Im sorry. Sorry for what, I wondered.
According to a witness who had heard the commotion and was running towards us, the inside of the car exploded outward in a flash of blue-white light. I was apparently shot out of the open car door, as if by a gun. I flew 120 feet and sustained a broken arm and a concussion, from which I recovered from nicely. Manny was not so lucky. His neck was broken. Everything from his neck down would never again answer the calls from his brain.
Manny was a criminal wanted in six states for questioning on charges of child abduction and molestation. They found enough evidence in the ruined mini-van to convict him of three counts of child abduction. He refused to say where the children were now, or admit his crimes. Because of that, the judge and jury put him away for a real long time. He is eligible for parole just a few years before the sun goes super-nova I believe.
But, it was Rael that made the news that day. From that day on he could at will, channel his own bio-electricity into an energy that he could propel from his body with staggering force. My father had all the medical tests done to find that Rael had an extra chromosome that marked a [censored]-superior, a human mutation. My father was very proud, and my mother nervous as hell. From that day forward he began prepping Rael for a life as a super-hero. Father had the grand ballroom, unused since my grandfathers time, refitted as a gymnasium. Also a sizable portion of the property was devoted to developing Raels more destructive powers. Martial arts masters, acrobats, detectives and even actual super-heroes (no one of any notoriety) were brought in to tutor him. He took to it like a fish to water. Id never seen him so happy, so fulfilled. And how I hated him for it.
I didnt come out of it with nothing mind you. All money that had been spent on assuring Raels college education, was shifted to my trust fund. As his brother, I was a natural sparring partner for him so I learned martial arts with him. But we drifted apart and he never seemed to notice. God, how that hurt.
Our childhoods waned, and only our studies mattered. He with his masters of kung-fu, and me with AP level studies in all subjects. I graduated number two in my class, and Rael got his GED. Our parents threw a graduation party of us. All of their high society friends were in attendance. After supper, Father toasted us, and told everyone what our futures held. It went something like this.
This summer Rael starts his career with the recently assembled League of Valor in Paragon City! He will learn under the tutelage of none other than Ascendant himself! I have every confidence that in time he will become the kind of hero that we remember in legends forever. Oh, and Rafe starts at Yale this fall. Thank you all for coming, blah, blah, blah.
Needless to say I left for Yale the very next day. I told my family that I needed to get an apartment and furnish it before school starts, and also there were extra-curricular activities that began in the summer. The tennis team for instance. Yeah, right.
School started, and I took a full schedule. I majored in business and minored in sorority girls. No sweat. Mostly out of boredom I also took up a little gambling on the side. My kind of extra-curricular activity. I started small. Worked my way up to the big games. I didnt gamble with family money. That way, there was never a danger of my father finding out. He wouldnt approve, to say the least. Anyway, not to brag, but I was good. Very good. Soon all but the biggest games were closed to me. Anyway, there was this big game, and I needed twenty-five grand to sit in. I didnt have but fifteen, so I borrowed the rest from a local bookie. Like I said, Im very good, but the night of the game someone else was better. Much better.
Seven days later the bookie I mentioned came looking for yours truly. Next thing I know, these totally unreasonable fellows have me in the trunk of their car. They took me to a warehouse on the industrial side of town. They started to work me over real good. But, in a strange sort of way I felt as though Id deserved it. So I took it like a man. That is until the gorilla doin the job, pulled out a knife.
Gonna carve the words TWELVE GRAND on you boy, so you remember for next week. Ten grand plus twenty percent interest.
That was it. I went into instant fight or flight mode. Fight first, flight immediately thereafter. That was the plan. I stepped into a guard stance, feinted left, and punched out at the gorilla with the knife with my right. I expected to hit him hard. After all Id been my brothers sparring partner, and knew a bit. What I hadnt expected was the orb of power that was surrounding my moving fist, and what it did to said gorilla. I never felt the impact, the energy field damped it down, but the jerk sure did. He just stood there with this crazy dazed expression on his face, and then fell like someone had cut the marionette strings. The other two goons began to advance warily, and then with surprise, began glancing around.
Whered he go?
Dunno, he musta jumped behind some crates.
Find him, or the boss is gonna take ten grand outa our [censored].
Fight was done, so flight took over, and I crept outa there, taking note, that it took no effort at all to remain completely silent and I was nearly undetectable to the human eye. I smiled the whole way home. I had it too. This was just too cool for words. It was then I realized how wrong Id been to hate Rael so much. It hadnt been his fault. If he hadnt had the power, wed both likely be dead at the hands of Manny the deranged lunatic.
In the days that followed I found an abandoned granite quarry a few hours out of town. There I experimented with my powers. I could concentrate my bio-energy into my hands for devastating blows but I could in no way project it the way Rael did. But that was fine too. The stealth abilities Id gotten completely made up for that. I also felt that with some practice I could generate protective fields around my body. All Rael could do was dodge around like a monkey, and hope no one got him, before he got them. One thing did bother me, still though. Rael could fly. With all my childhood dreaming of flying in experimental aircraft, the fact that I couldnt bugged me big time. Later I developed the ability to force my bio-power towards the ground, and leap like a rocket-powered grasshopper, which was damn near as cool as flying anyway. While I was learning, I was thinking. To tell them (my family that is) or not, that was the question. Later I decided to keep it a secret for a bit, and surprise them later, after my exploits had made me famous. Funny how things would work out.
I returned to school, paid my gambling debts off and studied my [censored] off to graduate in just two and a half years, with my Bachelors Degree. I briefly returned home to my fathers proud smile, and my mothers loving embrace. Then with my trust fund and BA in hand, I went off to Paragon City to seek my fortune and maybe, just maybe, a little fame.
Not to proud to accept advice, my father told me about the son of one of his golf pals that was having difficulty getting his business started in Independence Port. He had the money, and the space, but didnt have the business savvy to really get things running.
I called him up, met him for lunch and by dessert I was a full partner. By day, I began the leg work, making contacts, doing the face time, selling the company. My partner Jason, worked the facility, managed the employees, and the bookkeeping.
By night, I became Shadowsbane. I prowled through Atlas Park, Perez Park, and Steel Canyon. I had a white and blue costume made for me at Icon, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. By this time of course, Rael was damn near a household name in Paragon City. When the League of Valor had disbanded, Rael set up with the Defenders of Paragon. These guys were the big league players, off saving the world in galaxies far, far away, and all that. I made contact with him, and we had lunch and talked about old times, and my college days. We were constantly hounded though by autograph seekers and photographers. My brother in his infinite wisdom had chosen to make his real name (first name only, like Madonna or Sting) his professional name, and never wore a mask. It was fun to see him, but I wont make a habit out of it.
The business brought strange challenges to this budding hero. In order to do legitimate business in Independence Port it was necessary to do business with illegitimate persons. The Family of course owned the docks. So we had to talk to their people, do business with them to get to our actual customers. The Council wanted a piece of the action also, and I worked my [censored] off finding ways to appease them short of doing something illegal. The last thing I would need is for my brother or has pals to break down my door.
This caused me to re-think things a bit. Here I was doing business with the worst criminal elements in Paragon, only to be out trying to put them behind bars the next night.
It wasnt too long, before our little business started to really take off. By playing to our strengths, my partner Jason and I started to really do well. After three months, we were in the black. After six, profits started to show up. At our first year, we toasted with the most expensive champagne we could find. Things were good, my parents were proud. Even my brother, Mr. D-minus checked up on us in the trade papers, and sent us congratulatory cards and an autographed photo of himself. What an utterly lovable cad.
Unfortunately success has but one drawback. There is nowhere to go but down. And that it did, but fast.
I was in my office late that night. I was finishing up a proposal for a new company interested in giving us their account, when I heard raised voices from the conference room. I had learned the benefit of stealth in my nighttime activities, so I crept quietly along the hall and peered through the glass wall unseen. Jason was there with a dozen hoods from the Family. They looked angry and Jason was terrified. I was about to get my costume from my office, when a group of soldiers from the Council entered the room. Things went from bad to worse, quickly. Harsh words were spoken, then guns were drawn, and then they all just glared at each other. The standoff ended abruptly when the wall blew in. When the dust cleared a bit, a machine-man 10 feet tall and bristling with blades strode in. The Freakshow arrived in force but yet no one had been hurt. It was just a lot of angry criminals arguing for their piece of the pie.
It was when Longbow arrived that things went straight to hell. They came in like the ****** horde, guns blazing. The battle that ensued was catastrophic. All three criminal factions had additional troops nearby, and with Longbow came the super-heroes. The ones that I recognized from the paper were Crimzon, Dark Stryke, Cragg and Wraythe. There were at least four others that I didnt recognize. There was nothing I could do. During the chaos I went after Jason but I was too late. Hed been near cut in half by machine gun fire. I waited outside, hidden and watched my world burn.
In the aftermath, the police discovered a second set of books. Jason had been in bed with the Family big time. In a day there was a warrant for my arrest. I turned myself in. My family got me the best lawyers and I was confident I would be free of blame soon.
Id thought Jason had had no business savvy. I was wrong. The paper trail he had left, led straight to me. It was a work of pure genius. Id been taking illegal money and never even known it. I was convicted for a half a dozen charges. When the verdict and sentence were passed down, I saw my fathers face. He believed them. He believed I was guilty. I could have stood anything but that.
I know you didnt do it.
Said a voice from the window in cell 125, cell block E of the minimum security wing of the Zig. My window. My cell is on the third floor. I stood and went to my window, and got a shock. It was Rael, and he was wearing my Shadowsbane costume. He hovered there outside my window, in the darkness.
You were always smart, Rafe. You never needed to cheat. I know that youre innocent. The problem is that with Jason dead, we can never prove it, he said, his head low.
It looks good on you, I said, changing the subject.
Yeah, you never could hide things well. I found the secret door, in the study at your apartment. I was surprised to find this. When did it happen?
College. Freshman year. A guy had a knife.
Rael smiled. A knife huh? Yeah, that would get my attention too.
He got serious suddenly. Okay Rafe. What now? Are you serving a twenty-five year sentence for your crooked partner or are you letting yourself out?
As soon as I come up with a viable plan, Im outa here. Id rather live my life as a fugitive than waste my life here. The only downside is that Father will be convinced that Im a criminal.
Rael grinned. I thought so. Here. He passed me a small package. I had it made at Icon. I dont like it though. I never did like masks.
Inside was a deep red costume with white graphics. It would do.
I cant stay here in Paragon, Rael. I cant be super-hero by night and mild mannered fugitive by day. I cant live half a life. My rep is ruined as a legitimate businessman.
I figured, Rael said, looking thoughtful. He smiled sadly, Ive heard the Rogue Isles are nice this time of year.
Thats what I heard too. Thanks Rael. I mean it. Youre a hero to this town, it must be hard to be put in this position.
It doesnt take a hero to know that to do the right thing, sometimes you must break the rules. Hell, just being a costumed hero is itself against the law. Vigilantism. But we are necessary, because the bad guys are more than the police can handle without anti-tank weapons. Anyway, stay in touch but dont ever tell me what youre up to. I dont want to know. Take care bro, Mom sends her love.
He began to drift backward and up, into the star-filled sky. And dont worry about Dad, when I tell him where I got this costume, hell know the man you really are.
With that he flew away into the night. Im not too macho to admit there were tears to wipe away. That night I punched my way through my cell wall. It felt great.
Id tried to do it the right way. The right way failed me. Now Im a criminal. Id tried for success and a little fame. Now I wont stop till I have success and a hell of a lot of infamy. Shadowsbane exists now only in my brothers heart. I am Externus now. The word is Latin. It means outsider or stranger. What your parents warned you not to talk to, remember? Funny how the world works, isnt it?
Rael - 50 eb/em Blaster - Virtue
Crimzon - 50 grav/ff Controller - Virtue
Externus - em/ ea 50 Stalker Virtue