The elevator door swished open with the mechanical efficiency you might expect from a guy calling himself Herr Doktor Destruction. It wasn't anything really spectacular to have a door swish open, but it beat the heck out of some lairs. The arch mages were the worst, with those heavy wooden doors that you had to push open.
Joe shivered slightly at the memory and stepped out of the elevator. Herr Doktor Destruction's lair was pretty swanky; at least the hallway was anyway. Chrome all the way, like something out of movie. He didn't have much time to appreciate the scenery, though, as a frantic looking man in a white lab coat and goggles came running down the hall.
"Are you zee repairman?" the mad scientist asked. Given the accent, Joe figured he was Herr Doktor D.
"Deathtrap Technician," Joe answered, "Yes, I'm here about your problem. Just show me the way to your, uh, lab or whatever."
"Goot, goot," Herr Doktor nodded. He scurried down the hall, leading Joe toward where ever his deathtrap was. Herr Doktor looked over his shoulder, "I vould like to say, I am most pleazed vith your companies merchandize. This is the first time it haz ever malfunctioned."
"Thank you," Joe nodded. He idly wondered if any of Herr Doktor's schemes had lasted long enough for him to actually test out one of the deathtraps. He left the question unasked, thinking back to the time Murray asked Sharkill something similar. It wasn't that Murray hadn't learned to use the prosthetic arm, but Joe had a vacation coming up and didn't want to spend it in a hospital.
Herr Doktor guided Joe into a large, gymnasium-sized room. It was obviously his lab. Banks of computers lined the wall, carcasses of cannibalized and broken robots lay off in one corner, and Joe noted the small cot across the room. Herr Doktor was a workaholic, apparently.
Although, really, which super villains weren't. It wasn't like they ever incorporated or unionized. The whole super villainy thing was made for workaholics and people with strange strains of O.C.D. Fixing U-Snare traps and updated software drivers for them was as close to the villain-hero paradigm as Joe ever wanted to get.
U-Snare had a better retirement plan than any League, Society, or oddly numbered group he'd ever run across.
"So, where is it?" Joe asked.
According to the work order, Herr Doktor had a D.A.L.E.K. -- a Digitally Automated Lasing Exemplar Killer. The D.A.L.E.K. was about the size of four refrigerators stacked side-by-side, laying flat on the ground. It was twice the size it needed to be, but the suits in marketing wanted two things from the D.A.L.E.K.:
1. For villains to feel it was the perfect size for offing any hero, be they waifish catgirl or rock-faced juggernaut.
2. To sell lots of D.A.L.E.K.'s to the villain who tried to kill either waifish catgirl or rock-faced juggernaut.
"Ah, yes," Herr Docktor nodded, "forgive me." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a PDA. Herr Doktor fiddled with the stylus for a minute. "I remember when a mere button was all that was required." He finally managed to activate whatever he was trying to activate.
The middle of the room suddenly opened up, a pair of splitting doors slid aside just as easily, though a bit more slowly, than the elevator door. When they had finished their movement, announcing as much with an echoing clank, another whirring sounded. Slowly, from within the hole, a platform began to rise up, and Joe saw where Herr Doktor's D.A.L.E.K. was stowed. Joe sighed slightly and shook his head when he saw what was atop the D.A.L.E.K.
"The U-Snare terms of service explicitly state that I am not compelled to work on any deathtrap that is currently occupied by a hostage, hero, heroine, sidekick, or villain," Joe said flatly. "Get her off, or I'm going back to the truck."
Herr Doktor fidgeted. "I know about zee terms of service," he said plaintively, "but she iz super strong. All my minions haff gone home, and the deadline iz at midnight. To transfer her, I would haff to wait until tomorrow."
Herr Doktor clasped his hands together. "Could you please oferlook this? Just once."
Joe scratched the back of his head. Working on a deathtrap with someone on, in, or under is had a lot of legal ramifications. If something went wrong, and the Deathtrap Technician ended up frying the hostage, hero, heroine, sidekick, or villain, that brought all kinds of criminal charges down on U-Snare. Several rather litigious heroes had sued U-Snare employees as aiding and abetting super villains in times past.
Joe was about to turn Herr Doktor down, and beat as fast a retreat as his employee handbook recommended, when a voice entered into the conversation. "It's fine with me if you want to work on it," the speaker said from atop the D.A.L.E.K. "He'll never get away with this. Justice will be served. Blah, blah, blah. Don't let me get in your way."
Joe looked at Herr Doktor, squinting. He then looked over at the green-and-purple clad heroine chained down to the D.A.L.E.K. "Okay," he relented, walking toward the D.A.L.E.K., "But you should know, I've recorded your verbal waiver and neither myself or U-Snare is responsible for any harm that comes to you."
Joe stood beside the D.A.L.E.K. addressing the captive as professionally as one can when looking down at a green-haired Amazon chained to a device designed to slice people in her position to small pieces.
She shrugged as well as someone chained down to such a thing could.
"That's fine," she said. "By the way," she continued, pausing to look at the embroidered nametag, "Joe, I'm Parity -- well, you know, publicly anyway."
Joe nodded. "Nice to, uh, meet you, Parity," he replied. "Nothing personal, you know."
Parity waved one of her manacled hands. "I know," she said, "it's business. I actually own a few shares of U-Snare stock, so any ill-feelings on my part would be quite a conflict of interest."
Joe nodded. He turned back to Herr Doktor. "So just, exactly, is the problem with it?" He couldn't see any physical damage to the D.A.L.E.K., but if Parity was as strong as Herr Doktor implied there might be something loose internally.
"I loaded zee software that came with the D.A.L.E.K., just as the instructions instructed," Herr Doktor explained, "but whenever I try to use zee interface to program zee lazer path, it crashes." He pointed to a nearby workstation, and led Joe over to it.
"Okay, what operating system are you using?" Joe asked, more to himself than Herr Doktor. He settled in behind the workstation, idly clicking through the Programs menu, looking for the U-Snare folder. "Crey '98?" he asked. Joe looked over at Herr Doktor.
"What?" Herr Doktor asked. "I zee no reazon to buy Crey XP just because it iz newer. '98 haz always worked with U-Znare equipment before."
Joe sighed. "Yes, but the newer models have firmware that's been patched to protect against some of the new viruses coming from Arachnos. Crey '98 doesn't have the libraries to--" Even with his goggles on, Joe could see that Herr Doktor was giving him the kind of look that meant anything more technical would just compound problems.
"I'm going to have to download an older set of drivers," Joe explained, "and flash the D.A.L.E.K. before it'll do anything."
"Will zis take very long?" Herr Doktor asked.
"Do you have broadband or are you still on dial-up?" Joe asked, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.
"Broadband," Herr Doktor told him. "I had to upgrade when zee Conundrum Council insisted on video conferencing last month."
"Then it shouldn't take too long to download everything," Joe replied, "if I start now."
Herr Doktor gestured to the workstation. "By all meanz, pleaze. I waz already logged into zee system, so you haff full access." Herr Doktor checked his watch. "Vould you excuze me," he asked, "I left zomesing in zee the microwave."
"Fine with me," Joe shrugged. He started looking for Herr Doktor's web browser.
"Me too," Parity called out.
Joe looked up at the D.A.L.E.K. and it's prisoner, shaking his head slightly. He should have just left. Parity would have been enough of an excuse for his manager. It wasn't like Herr Doktor Destruction was an A-List client or anything.
"Zen I shall return in but a moment," Herr Doktor said, walking off and out of the lab.
Joe frowned as he brought up the web browser. As the homepage loaded, Joe flinched away. He really didn't need to know that Herr Doktor was a Ghost Widow fetishist -- there was enough about her on the news without having to see digitally altered photos of her--
Joe shook his head and quickly typed in the address for U-Snare's firmware download page.
"Hey, Joe," Parity called out, "do you mind if I ask you something?"
Joe sighed. "I can't let you go," he said in a monotone voice, "U-Snare strictly forbids its employees from showing any partiality to--"
"No, no," Parity interrupted, "I've got that handled. It's about U-Snare, actually."
Joe typed in his access information, and set the browser to logging him in. He looked around the workstation. "Sure," he answered back, "I guess." The few times that Joe had met a hero or heroine on a job, they typically weren't very chatty.
"My boyfriend has got this friend," she began, "who's actually named Joe too. Anyway, he's just gotten out of the Zig, and is looking for a job. Do you think U-Snare might be hiring?"
"Um," Joe thought, "well, U-Snare's pretty picky about Deathtrap Technicians. I'm an EE, electrical engineering, major with a minor in information systems. Why was your boyfriend's friend in the Zig? Was he a super villain?"
Parity snickered. "If you ask him, he was. He got arrested for illegal use of the Emergency Medical Teleport system. He was helping The Family smuggle things around Paragon City without having to pass through war wall security."
Joe looked back at the workstation and clicked through several menus. Eventually he found the right driver for a D.A.L.E.K. being controlled by Crey '98. He clicked the link and started the download.
"If he managed to bypass city security systems, then he's probably qualified to work at U-Snare," Joe explained. He stepped around the workstation, and walked over to Parity. As he moved, he pulled a business card from his shirt pocket. "If you get out of this," Joe said, "have him give me a call. I can get him to H.R."
He offered the card to Parity, forgetting that she was in no real position to accept it. "Oh, sorry," he said.
"Just put it under my belt," Parity said. She glanced down at the belt, and Joe carefully tucked the card between her waist and the belt. It wasn't until afterward that he even considered what sort of sexual harassment suit might be filed because of that, but he had her telling him put it there on record. Plus, if she did own stock in U-Snare, filing a suit against the company wouldn't exactly increase shareholder's wealth.
"Thanks," Parity said, smiling. "They'll both appreciate this."
"You're welcome," Joe answered. "I hate to be rude, but I really need to--"
"Yeah, go," Parity replied. "I should probably be escaping now, not trying to job hunt." She looked up at the manacles around her wrist and began a systematic twisting that Joe recognized from past jobs.
He stepped back over to the workstation and continued the downgrade. It didn't take long to flash the D.A.L.E.K., and by the time it had fully rebooted, Herr Doktor was just returning. He was carrying a glass bowl of something that smelled disgustingly like sour kraut in his arms.
"Villainy workz up zuch an appetite," he explained.
"If you say so," Joe replied. "Okay," he began to explain, "I've downloaded and flashed the new, er, old firmware to the D.A.L.E.K. So, you should be good to go."
Herr Doktor finished chewing his kraut and swallowed. "Most excellent," he praised Joe.
"Still," he added, "I really think you would be better off upgrading to Crey XP. Some of the viruses coming out of the Rogue--"
"Bah," Herr Doktor waved him off. "My zecurity systems are imperviouz. Nocing in, nocing out, wizout my zay zo."
Joe shrugged, "Okay." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his work order and a pen. "Well, Herr Doktor Destruction, if you would just sign here, confirming that you're satisfied, I'll get out of your way."
"Zertainly," Herr Doktor said. He looked down at the sour kraut in his arms, then back up at Joe. "I don't zuppoze you vould mind..."
Joe nodded, accepting the kraut bowl with his free hand, and giving the paper and pen to Herr Doktor with his other. Herr Doktor signed the paper, holding it up to the side of his workstation. Finished, he and Joe traded their packages again.
"Sank you," Herr Doktor said.
Joe nodded, putting the paper back in his pocket. "Just doing my job," he replied. He looked around Herr Doktor and waved at Parity. Not sure if she could see him, he called out, "Nice meeting you, Parity."
Parity sat up and waved back to Joe. "You too, Joe. I'll be sure he gives you a call." Seeing Parity free stunned Herr Doktor so that he dropped his kraut of the floor.
Joe, on the other hand, recognized a climactic battle in the making when he saw one. Without another word, he sprinted back toward the elevator. There was one more deathtrap to fix for the night and a vacation coming up, and he was in no mood to have something as trivial as an exploding secret hideout get in his way.
Just Business
The elevator door swished open with the mechanical efficiency you might expect from a guy calling himself Herr Doktor Destruction. It wasn't anything really spectacular to have a door swish open, but it beat the heck out of some lairs. The arch mages were the worst, with those heavy wooden doors that you had to push open.
Joe shivered slightly at the memory and stepped out of the elevator. Herr Doktor Destruction's lair was pretty swanky; at least the hallway was anyway. Chrome all the way, like something out of movie. He didn't have much time to appreciate the scenery, though, as a frantic looking man in a white lab coat and goggles came running down the hall.
"Are you zee repairman?" the mad scientist asked. Given the accent, Joe figured he was Herr Doktor D.
"Deathtrap Technician," Joe answered, "Yes, I'm here about your problem. Just show me the way to your, uh, lab or whatever."
"Goot, goot," Herr Doktor nodded. He scurried down the hall, leading Joe toward where ever his deathtrap was. Herr Doktor looked over his shoulder, "I vould like to say, I am most pleazed vith your companies merchandize. This is the first time it haz ever malfunctioned."
"Thank you," Joe nodded. He idly wondered if any of Herr Doktor's schemes had lasted long enough for him to actually test out one of the deathtraps. He left the question unasked, thinking back to the time Murray asked Sharkill something similar. It wasn't that Murray hadn't learned to use the prosthetic arm, but Joe had a vacation coming up and didn't want to spend it in a hospital.
Herr Doktor guided Joe into a large, gymnasium-sized room. It was obviously his lab. Banks of computers lined the wall, carcasses of cannibalized and broken robots lay off in one corner, and Joe noted the small cot across the room. Herr Doktor was a workaholic, apparently.
Although, really, which super villains weren't. It wasn't like they ever incorporated or unionized. The whole super villainy thing was made for workaholics and people with strange strains of O.C.D. Fixing U-Snare traps and updated software drivers for them was as close to the villain-hero paradigm as Joe ever wanted to get.
U-Snare had a better retirement plan than any League, Society, or oddly numbered group he'd ever run across.
"So, where is it?" Joe asked.
According to the work order, Herr Doktor had a D.A.L.E.K. -- a Digitally Automated Lasing Exemplar Killer. The D.A.L.E.K. was about the size of four refrigerators stacked side-by-side, laying flat on the ground. It was twice the size it needed to be, but the suits in marketing wanted two things from the D.A.L.E.K.:
1. For villains to feel it was the perfect size for offing any hero, be they waifish catgirl or rock-faced juggernaut.
2. To sell lots of D.A.L.E.K.'s to the villain who tried to kill either waifish catgirl or rock-faced juggernaut.
"Ah, yes," Herr Docktor nodded, "forgive me." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a PDA. Herr Doktor fiddled with the stylus for a minute. "I remember when a mere button was all that was required." He finally managed to activate whatever he was trying to activate.
The middle of the room suddenly opened up, a pair of splitting doors slid aside just as easily, though a bit more slowly, than the elevator door. When they had finished their movement, announcing as much with an echoing clank, another whirring sounded. Slowly, from within the hole, a platform began to rise up, and Joe saw where Herr Doktor's D.A.L.E.K. was stowed. Joe sighed slightly and shook his head when he saw what was atop the D.A.L.E.K.
"The U-Snare terms of service explicitly state that I am not compelled to work on any deathtrap that is currently occupied by a hostage, hero, heroine, sidekick, or villain," Joe said flatly. "Get her off, or I'm going back to the truck."
Herr Doktor fidgeted. "I know about zee terms of service," he said plaintively, "but she iz super strong. All my minions haff gone home, and the deadline iz at midnight. To transfer her, I would haff to wait until tomorrow."
Herr Doktor clasped his hands together. "Could you please oferlook this? Just once."
Joe scratched the back of his head. Working on a deathtrap with someone on, in, or under is had a lot of legal ramifications. If something went wrong, and the Deathtrap Technician ended up frying the hostage, hero, heroine, sidekick, or villain, that brought all kinds of criminal charges down on U-Snare. Several rather litigious heroes had sued U-Snare employees as aiding and abetting super villains in times past.
Joe was about to turn Herr Doktor down, and beat as fast a retreat as his employee handbook recommended, when a voice entered into the conversation. "It's fine with me if you want to work on it," the speaker said from atop the D.A.L.E.K. "He'll never get away with this. Justice will be served. Blah, blah, blah. Don't let me get in your way."
Joe looked at Herr Doktor, squinting. He then looked over at the green-and-purple clad heroine chained down to the D.A.L.E.K. "Okay," he relented, walking toward the D.A.L.E.K., "But you should know, I've recorded your verbal waiver and neither myself or U-Snare is responsible for any harm that comes to you."
Joe stood beside the D.A.L.E.K. addressing the captive as professionally as one can when looking down at a green-haired Amazon chained to a device designed to slice people in her position to small pieces.
She shrugged as well as someone chained down to such a thing could.
"That's fine," she said. "By the way," she continued, pausing to look at the embroidered nametag, "Joe, I'm Parity -- well, you know, publicly anyway."
Joe nodded. "Nice to, uh, meet you, Parity," he replied. "Nothing personal, you know."
Parity waved one of her manacled hands. "I know," she said, "it's business. I actually own a few shares of U-Snare stock, so any ill-feelings on my part would be quite a conflict of interest."
Joe nodded. He turned back to Herr Doktor. "So just, exactly, is the problem with it?" He couldn't see any physical damage to the D.A.L.E.K., but if Parity was as strong as Herr Doktor implied there might be something loose internally.
"I loaded zee software that came with the D.A.L.E.K., just as the instructions instructed," Herr Doktor explained, "but whenever I try to use zee interface to program zee lazer path, it crashes." He pointed to a nearby workstation, and led Joe over to it.
"Okay, what operating system are you using?" Joe asked, more to himself than Herr Doktor. He settled in behind the workstation, idly clicking through the Programs menu, looking for the U-Snare folder. "Crey '98?" he asked. Joe looked over at Herr Doktor.
"What?" Herr Doktor asked. "I zee no reazon to buy Crey XP just because it iz newer. '98 haz always worked with U-Znare equipment before."
Joe sighed. "Yes, but the newer models have firmware that's been patched to protect against some of the new viruses coming from Arachnos. Crey '98 doesn't have the libraries to--" Even with his goggles on, Joe could see that Herr Doktor was giving him the kind of look that meant anything more technical would just compound problems.
"I'm going to have to download an older set of drivers," Joe explained, "and flash the D.A.L.E.K. before it'll do anything."
"Will zis take very long?" Herr Doktor asked.
"Do you have broadband or are you still on dial-up?" Joe asked, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.
"Broadband," Herr Doktor told him. "I had to upgrade when zee Conundrum Council insisted on video conferencing last month."
"Then it shouldn't take too long to download everything," Joe replied, "if I start now."
Herr Doktor gestured to the workstation. "By all meanz, pleaze. I waz already logged into zee system, so you haff full access." Herr Doktor checked his watch. "Vould you excuze me," he asked, "I left zomesing in zee the microwave."
"Fine with me," Joe shrugged. He started looking for Herr Doktor's web browser.
"Me too," Parity called out.
Joe looked up at the D.A.L.E.K. and it's prisoner, shaking his head slightly. He should have just left. Parity would have been enough of an excuse for his manager. It wasn't like Herr Doktor Destruction was an A-List client or anything.
"Zen I shall return in but a moment," Herr Doktor said, walking off and out of the lab.
Joe frowned as he brought up the web browser. As the homepage loaded, Joe flinched away. He really didn't need to know that Herr Doktor was a Ghost Widow fetishist -- there was enough about her on the news without having to see digitally altered photos of her--
Joe shook his head and quickly typed in the address for U-Snare's firmware download page.
"Hey, Joe," Parity called out, "do you mind if I ask you something?"
Joe sighed. "I can't let you go," he said in a monotone voice, "U-Snare strictly forbids its employees from showing any partiality to--"
"No, no," Parity interrupted, "I've got that handled. It's about U-Snare, actually."
Joe typed in his access information, and set the browser to logging him in. He looked around the workstation. "Sure," he answered back, "I guess." The few times that Joe had met a hero or heroine on a job, they typically weren't very chatty.
"My boyfriend has got this friend," she began, "who's actually named Joe too. Anyway, he's just gotten out of the Zig, and is looking for a job. Do you think U-Snare might be hiring?"
"Um," Joe thought, "well, U-Snare's pretty picky about Deathtrap Technicians. I'm an EE, electrical engineering, major with a minor in information systems. Why was your boyfriend's friend in the Zig? Was he a super villain?"
Parity snickered. "If you ask him, he was. He got arrested for illegal use of the Emergency Medical Teleport system. He was helping The Family smuggle things around Paragon City without having to pass through war wall security."
Joe looked back at the workstation and clicked through several menus. Eventually he found the right driver for a D.A.L.E.K. being controlled by Crey '98. He clicked the link and started the download.
"If he managed to bypass city security systems, then he's probably qualified to work at U-Snare," Joe explained. He stepped around the workstation, and walked over to Parity. As he moved, he pulled a business card from his shirt pocket. "If you get out of this," Joe said, "have him give me a call. I can get him to H.R."
He offered the card to Parity, forgetting that she was in no real position to accept it. "Oh, sorry," he said.
"Just put it under my belt," Parity said. She glanced down at the belt, and Joe carefully tucked the card between her waist and the belt. It wasn't until afterward that he even considered what sort of sexual harassment suit might be filed because of that, but he had her telling him put it there on record. Plus, if she did own stock in U-Snare, filing a suit against the company wouldn't exactly increase shareholder's wealth.
"Thanks," Parity said, smiling. "They'll both appreciate this."
"You're welcome," Joe answered. "I hate to be rude, but I really need to--"
"Yeah, go," Parity replied. "I should probably be escaping now, not trying to job hunt." She looked up at the manacles around her wrist and began a systematic twisting that Joe recognized from past jobs.
He stepped back over to the workstation and continued the downgrade. It didn't take long to flash the D.A.L.E.K., and by the time it had fully rebooted, Herr Doktor was just returning. He was carrying a glass bowl of something that smelled disgustingly like sour kraut in his arms.
"Villainy workz up zuch an appetite," he explained.
"If you say so," Joe replied. "Okay," he began to explain, "I've downloaded and flashed the new, er, old firmware to the D.A.L.E.K. So, you should be good to go."
Herr Doktor finished chewing his kraut and swallowed. "Most excellent," he praised Joe.
"Still," he added, "I really think you would be better off upgrading to Crey XP. Some of the viruses coming out of the Rogue--"
"Bah," Herr Doktor waved him off. "My zecurity systems are imperviouz. Nocing in, nocing out, wizout my zay zo."
Joe shrugged, "Okay." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his work order and a pen. "Well, Herr Doktor Destruction, if you would just sign here, confirming that you're satisfied, I'll get out of your way."
"Zertainly," Herr Doktor said. He looked down at the sour kraut in his arms, then back up at Joe. "I don't zuppoze you vould mind..."
Joe nodded, accepting the kraut bowl with his free hand, and giving the paper and pen to Herr Doktor with his other. Herr Doktor signed the paper, holding it up to the side of his workstation. Finished, he and Joe traded their packages again.
"Sank you," Herr Doktor said.
Joe nodded, putting the paper back in his pocket. "Just doing my job," he replied. He looked around Herr Doktor and waved at Parity. Not sure if she could see him, he called out, "Nice meeting you, Parity."
Parity sat up and waved back to Joe. "You too, Joe. I'll be sure he gives you a call." Seeing Parity free stunned Herr Doktor so that he dropped his kraut of the floor.
Joe, on the other hand, recognized a climactic battle in the making when he saw one. Without another word, he sprinted back toward the elevator. There was one more deathtrap to fix for the night and a vacation coming up, and he was in no mood to have something as trivial as an exploding secret hideout get in his way.
@Utilitarian - Guardian/Tech Blst/20
Parity - Guardian/Nat Tnkr/21
Diana Drake - Infinity/Magi Scr/32
Doctor Developer - Virtue/Tech MM/22
Lady Lawful - Infinity/Magi Tnkr/20