An Open Letter to the Civilians of Paragon City by Ashen Gray, Captain, Bizarro School for Very Strange Children "Muted Colors" Strike Team
I am sure it comes as no surprise to you that the life of a superhero is a rather stressful one, especially for those of us who would rather spend our evenings and weekends watching TV or enjoying ourselves than being slathered in zombie vomit. I believe most of you realize that, and the majority of you are respectful of and even helpful to our efforts. However, in the past few weeks it has become increasingly obvious that many of you appear to have had your brains surgically replaced with under-refrigerated cole slaw. By this I mean that there are those among you whose tendency to wander blindly into danger borders on the actively suicidal. In the interests of making all our jobs easier, I would like to provide you with a few helpful behavioral pointers.
I realize, of course, that not everyone needs such help. For this reason I have devised a simple quiz that will easily determine whether or not you are at risk. It has only one question, so think carefully!
1. Imagine that your office building has been seized by Fifth Column troopers. You stumble into a hallway. At one end of the hallway is a Column officer; at the other end is a hero who is collecting several thousand joules worth of energy in his hands with the intention of disintigrating [he means "apprehending" -ed.] the officer. Where is the wisest place to position yourself?
A. Behind the officer.
B. Behind the hero.
C. Running spastically between the officer and the hero.
D. Outside, or in another building entirely.
If you answered D, you may safely disregard the remainder of this letter. If you answered B, it would not hurt to continue reading. If you answered A, you quite likely spend a great deal of money on tacky "collectors'" plates with the intention of selling them in thirty years and retiring on the proceeds, and you should most definitely continue reading. If you answered C, well, franky, the gene pool won't miss you.
Now that we have eliminated the smart people, gather round while ol' uncle Ashy dispenses some golden nuggets of wisdom.
Do not stand in the line of fire between two opposing forces.
Do not walk across the line of fire between two opposing forces.
Do not run, crawl, sprint, jump, cartwheel, somersault, waddle, bounce, pogostick, roll, bellyflop, or otherwise cross the line of fire between two opposing forces.
If a fly-encrusted man wearing a human skull for a hat asks you to step into a dark alley to "look at something really neat," decline his offer and run like hell.
No matter how much more direct they may make your route, abandoned industrial zones are never "nifty shortcuts."
If you find that your office space has become infested with Nazis or gang members, let them have your stapler.
If, while walking along the sidewalk, you see someone encased, for example, in a block of ice, there is no need to walk directly up to him and peer at him myopically before running away. You can safely assume that any situation involving people encased in ice is a situation you do not want to be involved in. This includes screenings of the movie Encino Man.
Do not ingest anything that glows.
Do not ingest anything you receive as a "free sample" from tough-looking youths on street corners.
Do not ingest anything you receive from a giant man wearing garbage.
Despite any truth there may once have been to the urban legends, Bettis Hills is no longer a "primo makeout spot" unless your idea of a romantic evening involves a picnic, stargazing, and mugging and/or ritual sacrifice.
Often people desire to thank heroes who have saved them. Sometimes heroes go inside before this can happen. This may be puzzling, but most doors are equipped with a "knob" or "handle," by means of which it is possible to open the doors and proceed inside, rather than repeatedly running into them and ricocheting off like a deranged superball. Do be aware, however, that the hero is quite likely heading into an even more dangerous situation (in which case you would be in trouble--we want to avoid danger, remember?) or possibly entering his or her house or apartment (in which case you could be prosecuted under anti-stalking laws).
As a general rule, legitimate insurance salesmen are not the size and shape of dumptrucks, nor do they have names like "Nicky Kneecaps" Vitelli.
If a robed man with eldritch flames streaming from his eye sockets knocks on your door and claims to be the meter man, milk man, postman, telephone repairman, cable guy, paperboy, or anyone else with a reason for entering your home, do not open the door. Alert the authorities immediately. Exception: IRS auditors. Request to see ID first.
Avoid anyone or anything that stands on cardboard boxes and harangues the public, especially if they have heavy artillery or hideous deformities.
If it's large enough to eat your head, poking it with a stick is probably a bad idea.
By following these simple guidelines and a little common sense, you can do your part to make Paragon City a safer place to be. And if not, well, like I said--the gene pool ain't gonna miss you.
Disclaimer: The views of Mr. Gray are not necessarily those of the Paragon Times, its editors or staff, or of Professor Bizarro's School for Very Strange Children.
An Open Letter to the Civilians of Paragon City
by Ashen Gray, Captain, Bizarro School for Very Strange Children "Muted Colors" Strike Team
I am sure it comes as no surprise to you that the life of a superhero is a rather stressful one, especially for those of us who would rather spend our evenings and weekends watching TV or enjoying ourselves than being slathered in zombie vomit. I believe most of you realize that, and the majority of you are respectful of and even helpful to our efforts. However, in the past few weeks it has become increasingly obvious that many of you appear to have had your brains surgically replaced with under-refrigerated cole slaw. By this I mean that there are those among you whose tendency to wander blindly into danger borders on the actively suicidal. In the interests of making all our jobs easier, I would like to provide you with a few helpful behavioral pointers.
I realize, of course, that not everyone needs such help. For this reason I have devised a simple quiz that will easily determine whether or not you are at risk. It has only one question, so think carefully!
1. Imagine that your office building has been seized by Fifth Column troopers. You stumble into a hallway. At one end of the hallway is a Column officer; at the other end is a hero who is collecting several thousand joules worth of energy in his hands with the intention of disintigrating [he means "apprehending" -ed.] the officer. Where is the wisest place to position yourself?
A. Behind the officer.
B. Behind the hero.
C. Running spastically between the officer and the hero.
D. Outside, or in another building entirely.
If you answered D, you may safely disregard the remainder of this letter. If you answered B, it would not hurt to continue reading. If you answered A, you quite likely spend a great deal of money on tacky "collectors'" plates with the intention of selling them in thirty years and retiring on the proceeds, and you should most definitely continue reading. If you answered C, well, franky, the gene pool won't miss you.
Now that we have eliminated the smart people, gather round while ol' uncle Ashy dispenses some golden nuggets of wisdom.
- Do not stand in the line of fire between two opposing forces.
- Do not walk across the line of fire between two opposing forces.
- Do not run, crawl, sprint, jump, cartwheel, somersault, waddle, bounce, pogostick, roll, bellyflop, or otherwise cross the line of fire between two opposing forces.
- If a fly-encrusted man wearing a human skull for a hat asks you to step into a dark alley to "look at something really neat," decline his offer and run like hell.
- No matter how much more direct they may make your route, abandoned industrial zones are never "nifty shortcuts."
- If you find that your office space has become infested with Nazis or gang members, let them have your stapler.
- If, while walking along the sidewalk, you see someone encased, for example, in a block of ice, there is no need to walk directly up to him and peer at him myopically before running away. You can safely assume that any situation involving people encased in ice is a situation you do not want to be involved in. This includes screenings of the movie Encino Man.
- Do not ingest anything that glows.
- Do not ingest anything you receive as a "free sample" from tough-looking youths on street corners.
- Do not ingest anything you receive from a giant man wearing garbage.
- Despite any truth there may once have been to the urban legends, Bettis Hills is no longer a "primo makeout spot" unless your idea of a romantic evening involves a picnic, stargazing, and mugging and/or ritual sacrifice.
- Often people desire to thank heroes who have saved them. Sometimes heroes go inside before this can happen. This may be puzzling, but most doors are equipped with a "knob" or "handle," by means of which it is possible to open the doors and proceed inside, rather than repeatedly running into them and ricocheting off like a deranged superball. Do be aware, however, that the hero is quite likely heading into an even more dangerous situation (in which case you would be in trouble--we want to avoid danger, remember?) or possibly entering his or her house or apartment (in which case you could be prosecuted under anti-stalking laws).
- As a general rule, legitimate insurance salesmen are not the size and shape of dumptrucks, nor do they have names like "Nicky Kneecaps" Vitelli.
- If a robed man with eldritch flames streaming from his eye sockets knocks on your door and claims to be the meter man, milk man, postman, telephone repairman, cable guy, paperboy, or anyone else with a reason for entering your home, do not open the door. Alert the authorities immediately. Exception: IRS auditors. Request to see ID first.
- Avoid anyone or anything that stands on cardboard boxes and harangues the public, especially if they have heavy artillery or hideous deformities.
- If it's large enough to eat your head, poking it with a stick is probably a bad idea.
By following these simple guidelines and a little common sense, you can do your part to make Paragon City a safer place to be. And if not, well, like I said--the gene pool ain't gonna miss you.Disclaimer: The views of Mr. Gray are not necessarily those of the Paragon Times, its editors or staff, or of Professor Bizarro's School for Very Strange Children.