GreatRock

I guess I'll go with... 81

Taken: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 22, 23, 24, 25, 27, 28, 29, 31, 33, 36, 37, 42, 43, 45, 46, 47, 49, 53, 57, 63, 66, 68, 71, 73, 75, 77, 78, 81, 82, 83, 84, 87, 93, 95, 99

7

Romantically significant to me.

7, 13, 24, 28, 42, 43, 47, 49, 53, 68, 75, 82, 83, 95

I pancaking love you guys.

RIP my sides

I guess I'll go with...

95

13, 28, 42, 43, 47, 49, 53, 75, 82, 83, 95

Pancake yeah.

Please...

42

To clarify, all I really want is to be stronger than the people that have dragged me down. My parents fight a lot, to be honest, and they take it out on me.

My parents call me worthless. Useless. So do other people. My family, and what feels like the world, doesn't bother to understand. All they see is some messed up kid who plays video games.

I'm tired of being called out for being different.

I want to show the world how different I can be.

I want to be super. I want to do things, to be a hero, to show the world that I am special and I am not like everyone else. I want to be someone, do something, be so strong that every other person will finally want to be like me.

I guess I'm just tired of being on the bottom, especially when my mind is so far ahead.

-----------------------

Also, yes. I have tried professional help. Ironically, it doesn't actually help. I've never told anyone any of this before, to be honest. I need people to vent to, and keeping all of this to myself for so long made me a bit desperate.

No, I am not in danger of hurting myself or others.

Thanks for reading, guys. I guess this community is the closest thing I have to people who will listen - really, truly listen - and it feels great to get this off my chest.

Thank you all for these three years of actual happiness. I don't get to experience it often, and I am so damn proud to be a part of all of this.

Seriously. I might as well pour out my heart.

Stop reading when you hit the point where this makes no sense at all. I know, I know: I need professional help. Badly. However, I am reasonably sure this will make a lot of sense to a lot of us. If you can identify with any of these feelings, or with any of this, let me know. I need someone to talk to, and you guys are my last hope. I have delayed this thread long enough.

I was born into a middle class family. Nothing special. My parents were standard, my brother was an *** (standard), and we had a nice house in the suburbs somewhere.

I played my first video game, Jak II, at the age of 7.

That game changed me.

The first thing I noticed was Kor - the old guy in the background. He was evil. I could tell. I didn't tell anyone, though. My dad was actually the one playing the game, but I watched every chance I could, just to see Kor lie and deceive his way through the game.

He dropped his disguise near the end of the game. Turns out he was really the Metal-Head leader - a huge insectoid beast that made some rather inventive threats and killed a whole bunch of people. I was enthralled. I was in love.

Not with the character. With the power.

This is when I first started drawing. I drew Kor a lot, mostly people though. Mostly men. Years passed, and my taste in games evolved... but I never forgot the look of elation on his face as he gleefully murdered bystanders.

At this point, I am about 10 years old. I find my next villain of sorts... The G-man.

Another man, this one middle aged. Invincible, immortal, can jump though and manipulate time and space.

Again, I was in love. With the power.

I wanted to be powerful.

At the age of 12, I found The Joker.

This was The Dark Knight's Joker, by the way. TDK's Joker was more of an oddly dressed serial killer than the Clown Prince of Crime, but it didn't matter to me. This was, again, someone I actually empathized with. I could see his motives, and I could understand why he did things. Here was a man who was completely without emotion, so devoid of feeling he could actually take pleasure from the pain of others.

I wanted to be like him.

And so my life evolved from the ignorance of a small child to the remarkably mature and very devious power hungry sociopath that is me today. I never really cared much for human interaction, and my attraction and understanding of both classic and little known villains drove home the point. Normal people bore me, and other intellectuals (I use the term generally. I am not assuming much with my intelligence here) strike me as facades hiding their emotions behind them. I hated people. I considered them as means to an end - and my preferred end would be power.

Ganondorf is another example. Ruthless, powerful, cunning.

More recently? Master Xehanort. Also powerful, even darker than the others.

Dexter. He is a serial killer, and I take his side in his arguments.

Hell, I took the side of the machines in The Matrix.

My life has been very confusing for me. I feel like I am insane - I mean, I must be. However, I don't think normal insane people are so aware of their own position. I'm not sure what I am, to be honest.

Again, here is the person that would get pleasure from tutorial-camping with a twink in WAR. I still feel the rush today... the small burst of adrenaline from a kill in any online game. The joy of knowing someone else is being discouraged.

Bringing this full circle, this is why I play CoX.

I want power.

All I want is to feel powerful, because all I feel is trapped. I'm trapped in this stupid reality full of people I hate - and there is nothing I can do about it. My life will be typical, I assume, and I am predicting years of the same. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but I assume the consistent lust for murder isn't.

City gave me power.

City gave me a release.

I could be strong here, stronger than any other character of my creation. I got my first 50 about three years ago, back when I was about 13, and have since then gotten over 20 more... but my favorite will always be Omi.

Oh, Lord Omi. If only he knew.

He is the amalgam of every single thing I wish to be. (Besides, you know, male.) A Warshade that I have spent over 2,100 hours on alone. A strong, dark, powerful figure of mystery yet vague intentions. An immortal legend, a demon from hell, a god from heaven, or even a man with my same mad designs of power. I made him to serve my purpose of a functional release of my otherwise dark and rather scary thoughts, and since then I have enjoyed life more... all because I could go home nightly and rampage through the streets, murdering everyone in my way. Here in City I felt truly powerful, and I felt at home.

I doubt I'm the first person to fantasize about mass murder rather than the usual things.

In fact, I'm willing to bet that we all have the same fantasy.

You're in the city. Doesn't matter which. And you have powers. You have the same powers your main does, plus a bit. You look just like you want to be - which, I'm also guessing, is like your main. And so you're in the city, surrounded by people, and you have powers.

And you systematically and repeatedly destroy it all. Different ways every time. This fantasy has played out countless times, and usually to music. In fact, that's why you like a few of your songs: the beat syncs with your animations.

And so you destroy and you rampage and the finale of it all ends with one final cataclysmic attack that fades out with the last few beats of the music, and you know deep down that your only wish would be to have those powers.

I feel like those of you who love this game love it for the same reason.

Not because they are probably going to be a serial killer... but because they need an escape. I am escaping from my own insanity.

What are you escaping from?

Happy Cake Day!

Let me just say that I regret not a second of my 2,200 hours on Lord Omi.

Not a single second.

I have never been happier anywhere else.

98

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