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I can't think of the last time villains got together and held a meeting to see who the next big Super Villain would be. Can you IMAGINE that meeting?
Skulls Rep: "This 'Psycho Flame' guy. He's up for Villain status, and we're all here to review him today. Who's met this guy? Anyone?"
Hellions Rep: "I met him once. Seemed really mean. Good with lighting people on fire, too. We liked that."
Skulls Rep: "Shut up, you."
CoT Rep: "We had the pleasure of his company for a short while, too. We felt he lacked what it took to be a master of evil mysticism, but he had a nice look. And a great chanting voice."
Skulls Rep: "Hmm.. we'll keep that in consideration. Anyone else?"
Freakshow Rep: "We thought he was going to start out strong- but in the end, he refused to fuse metallic joints to his body, and spent a good deal of time sticking magnets on our faces as we slept."
Clockwork Rep: "Hey! Us, too!"
Skulls Rep: "Not very promising. Anyone have any positive comments? This guy really wants to be a big time villain, and he's waiting patiently for our approval."
Sky Raider Rep: "He's pretty good with a rocket pack. And he had some decent maintenance skills when it came to our shield generators. Plus, he's really a people person. Good personality."
Skulls Rep: "Well, I think I've heard enough. I'll just call Lord Recluse with what we've talked about here, and see if Psycho Flame is worthy of a callback."
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That was me! I was Dr_Nefarious on the villain boards! I tried to save the whole thread, but when I went back to the boards to copy/paste, I could no longer get in. Sorry guys. I gave birth to the conspiracy, only to let it down. A few of the others that I did were:
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Plus, how do you quit the FREAKSHOW? (This one is for you, Raevyn)
You: "This has been great guys. Really. I've had a good time ransacking Talos Island, and I really like the idea that I can open a beer bottle with my... well, you know... But I think it's time we've parted ways. So- if you could just take all this crap out of me, and stuff all my limbs and organs back in place- that would be super."
Freak Tank: "You... didn't read the pamphlet we handed out when you signed up, did you."
You: "There was a pamphlet? My bad. Did it say anything important?"
Freak Tank: "The pamphlet titled 'Irreversible Cybernetics and You'? ...Yeah. It had a few important issues in there."
And the Banished Pantheon would be a little tough, as well.
You: "I'm sick of being a half-naked Shaman guy. The zombies smell, the floating head mask thingies creep the bejesus out of me, and no matter HOW hard I try, I NEVER get promoted to the "Giant Tiki Guy" position. That's it. I'm done."
Banished Pantheon Member: "Sure, sure. We understand. I mean, it's no problem to quit."
You: "Really? No hard feelings or anything?"
Banished Pantheon Member: "No, no. Just let me go get my voodoo doll, and my pouch of magic powder, and you'll be out real quick."
Next thing you know, you're hanging around Greg Brady's neck, making him lose the surfing competition. Not the fate I'd wish for, man.
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You: Listen, boss- This... this just isn't working out for me. I mean, no offense, but the 'West Side Story meets Escape From New York" look just isn't me, I keep dropping my axe... all the boys are laughin' at me... it's just not a good conducive atmosphere for me to work in. You know- emotionally ."
Warrior Boss: "..."
You: "I mean, sword fights are cool, and everything- Reminds me of many an hour I spent playing Dungeons and Dragons back in high school. But, I just don't think we're all working in a cohesive group. So, I'm just gonna turn in my axe, bandanna, and pre-shredded jeans, and call it all good."
Warriors Boss: "You must fight our BRAVEST warrior if you wish to leave our cabal! No other way is allowed. It's the warrior's way of the warrior. And you must respect the warrior code of the..."
You: "Warrior. Yeah, I got it. You guys say that a lot. And our best warrior is Ted- do I really have to fight Ted? He's good with that spiked ball on a stick thingy."
Warrior Boss: "The Mace. A true Warrior's weapon."
You: "There's no way around this clause in my contract?"
Warrior Boss: "No. It is the way of all warriors to battle the greatest warrior to become a better warrior. Or, in your warrior case, to give up the warrior's life of a warrior."
You: "Oh. *sigh* ...Maybe I can challenge him while he's mugging some lady for her purse. He likes taking women's purses. But... he keeps them. It's weird. 'Mightiest Warrior' my [censored]..."
Warrior Boss: "Your warrior's strategy is bold! Truly in holding of the warrior's code of being..."
You: "..A warrior. Yeah. I get it. This job sucks."
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Those were done before someone finally gave Jenkins his name. The best was when Captain Mako read the thread, and in the next patch, Jenkins was born! I can also lay claim to
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You: "Hey... is it just me, or is this Superadyne stuff... making our skin... you know... that color? Like trees?"
Troll #1: "...Red?"
You: "No... well, maybe. I forget. Thinking is getting harder ever since I started this stuff. Any of you guys having this problem? What about you, 'guy with horns'?"
Troll #1: "Thinking is hard. Me Troll so long, me not have to do no more. Other Trolls pick on me- call me 'The smart one' when I bash my own head with rock."
Troll #2: "That day good. That rock taste good."
You: "Hmm... maybe this stuff wasn't all that the drug dealer on the corner hyped it up to be. I'm hanging with guys I would never have even considered hanging with before, I'm throwing big rocks at people, and popping this superadyne like aspirin at a migraine convention. I'm thinking some rehab might be in order."
Troll #1: "Order me two!" *holds up three fingers* "Sound yummy!"
You: "Uh... yeah. Listen- you guys have been awesome, but I think I should see a doctor, and get this stuff flushed out of my system. You know- go back to normal."
Troll #1: "Normal? Normal bad!"
Troll #2: "BAD! Normal BAD! FIRE BAD! FIRE... Uh... Fire make toast. Me like toast. And like throw rock at heroes."
You: "Yeah... you guys have fun with that. I have to go to the hospital now."
Troll #1: "You no go! Trolls no quit! You go nowhere!"
Hero: "I'VE COME TO DEFEAT YOU, VILLAINS!!"
You: "Good! A hospitalizing is just what I was looking for. Make sure to rough me up real good before working over 'dumb and dumber' over here."
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Ringmistress: "So... you want to quit the Carnival of Shadows?"
You: "I really do. Really. I just don't get our mission statement. We entertain people long enough to enslave their souls... and make ghosts... with muscles or something? Isn't our boss just some chick's psycho delusion anyway? THAT also confuses me. How are we working for some figment of another person's head?
Ringmistress: "Well, it's complicated. She has corporeal form, you know. It's all very mystical and metaphysical."
You: "...Okay- but how does the clown theme fit into this?"
Ringmistress: "...Uh... she likes clowns. I guess. DON'T QUESTION THE BOSS, OKAY?"
You: "I also have issues with the fact that I have another person's soul trapped within my own body. Plus, the guy trapped inside me is a 30-year-old bed wetter. Not fun. Oh, and I think I'm allergic to the facepaint."
Ringmistress: "You're a Strongman- you're not supposed to be wearing the facepaint under that metal helmet."
You: "Well that explains why it smears so much, and why my helmet smells funny. Speaking of which, I also don't think I look good in the suit. Not like the other Strongmen."
Ringmistress: "Come on... you look... you look okay."
You: "I'm 120 lbs! I have no muscles! I can barely carry the two gallons of milk I buy all the way up the stairs to my apartment without having to take a break! How can you possibly think this looks good?"
Ringmistress: "Fine, fine. You want to quit? There's the door to the tent. Go on. But I'll tell you this much- if you walk out that door you will never, and I mean NEVER, get free all-you can eat popcorn again."
You: "...never?"
Ringmistress: "Never. Still want to raise a ruckuss, and be 'Mr. Quit'? Huh? Souls aren't easy to remove. Plus, we may 'accidentally' remove YOURS in the process. So go ahead. MAKE trouble by quitting. That's what you WANT, right? No job, soul, OR popcorn? Keep it up, mister troublemaker!"
You: "Sorry...I'll be good."
Ringmistress: "That's better. Now go refill the cotton candy machine before killing your next batch of people, would you? We're all out of 'El Purple Fantastico'."
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Jenkins: "Hi there, sir. I was wondering if I could talk to you. ...Is this a bad time?
Agony Mage: "No, no. Not at all."
Glowing, Floaty Victim: "Help... me..."
Agony Mage: "Quiet, you. What can I do for you, generic guard #35?"
Jenkins: "Well, I mean, I think it's time I looked for new job opportunities."
Agnoy Mage: "Aww. I'm sorry to hear that, generic guard #35."
Jenkins: "You know, I have a name. It's... *sigh* forget it."
Agony Mage: "Hey! What if we infused an ancient spirit in your body, and turned you into something GREAT? Would that make you change your mind?"
Jenkins: "Did... did you have something specific in mind?"
Agony Mage: "Let me answer your question with one of my own- How do you feel about having cloven feet and some badass wings?"
Jenkins: "It's funny you mention wings, sir. I have an interview at KFC tomorrow, and... well, they have a better dental plan..."
Glowing, Floaty Victim: "I don't want to die!"
Agony Mage: "Just close your eyes! GOD- It's always 'me, me, me' with you!"
Jenkins: "Yeah, man! People are talking here.... rude. Anyway- It's been great enchanting people with evil curses, and opening those hell portals is always good for a laugh, but overall the job is not as rewarding as I had hoped it would be. I mean, just the other day I had a hero come by and punch me in the GROIN just because I was standing next to some ancient artifact he wanted. Then the jerk just SMASHED the thing. I really don't think people respect us, or our personal property. That's not really a promising sign for a gang."
Agony Mage: "Well, we hate to lose you, generic guard #35."
Jenkins: "Hey- can I get one of those cool thorn sword things before I go? As a memento?"
Agony Mage: "Sorry. We really don't GIVE OUT our sinister idols of mystical power. It's a 'regulations and loss prevention' thing."
Jenkins: "Gotcha. Well, you're busy- I'm gonna go. Thanks for everything."
Glowing, Floaty Victim: "IS NOBODY GOING TO HELP ME?!"
Agony Mage: "Chant us up sometime if you change your mind, #35."
Jenkins: "Sure... just don't hold your breath, okay?"
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Jenkins quits the 5th Column just in time it seems:
Jenkins: "Hey, boss."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "That's 'sir', soldier."
Jenkins: "Sorry. Hey, boss sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "What can I do for you, Jenkins?"
Jenkins: "It's about the job, sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Ah, yes. You've been doing good work, Jenkins- patrolling random areas of our underground bases- for what we assume is you just being thorough- making sure that the officers have their spandex uniforms washed without fading... all kinds of good things. That's why we're considering YOU for the big promotion."
Jenkins: "About that thorough patrolling... well, sir... I just, uh, I get lost in those underground bases."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "You... get lost."
Jenkins: "You guys have a LOT of bunkers that serve no purpose in there- and paths that lead nowhere. Did you know that? One day I opened a door to a dead end. What is THAT about?"
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Well, we... you know, I'll be damned- We DO have a lot of useless crap in our bases."
Jenkins: "I just think I'd be better off standing around in a werehouse somewhere, punching my hand into my fist, sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Those positions are filled Jenkins. We need specially trained men for that. Not just ANYONE gets THOSE positions."
Jenkins: "Yeah... well, I'm also allergic to the Warwolves, sir. So, I started hanging out with the Vampyri. That... was unpleasant as well. They're... well, their bitey. I think I'm just going to quit. It's been a good run, but I'm not cut out for this thing. Besides, I hear some 'Council' is planning a hostile takeover, and I'd rather get out before I have to adapt to new management."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Well, we hate to see you go, Jenkins. You were truly a great soldier, and a credit to the Reich."
Jenkins: "...I'll take that as a compliment, sir. Many Jewish guys wouldn't. I'll just be heading off now."
Galaxy: "Excuse me, My soldiers and I are looking for the 5th Column base."
Jenkins: "This is the spot. I'll leave these guys to you, sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "...uhh..."
Jenkins: "See you guys later! Have a good one, sir."
*Jenkins walks out of the base, blissfully ignorant of the sounds of energy blasts and machine gun fire*
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This one was my favorite to write, after the patch came out, and Jenkins was in the Breakout mission:
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Jenkins joins Arachnos and we see why we have to save his dumb butt in Breakout:
Jenkins: "I'm not so sure about this."
Arachnos Pilot: "Stop being a wimp. You want to bust this fellow ne'er do-well out, or NOT?"
Jenkins: "WHICH ONE?! The initial blast was supposed to free ONE GUY- not ALL of these villains! I mean, look at THAT guy with half his face missing! Was HE the guy we were after? Can't we just put him on the jet and GO?"
Arachnos Pilot: "No, he's not the guy we... oh, sweet JESUS that guy is gross... *ahem* uh, he's not the guy we're after. Besides- YOU screwed up that bombing, not us."
Jenkins: "I've been on the job ONE day! I TOLD you guys I wasn't an explosive expert! But Bob over there said I'd 'get a feel for it real quick'. You [censored], Bob."
Arachnos Soldier: "Yeah, that was my bad. But we're still blaming YOU, Jenkins."
Jenkins: "What? WHY?"
Arachnos Soldier: "...Tenure."
Arachnos Pilot: "Look- there's an easy fix for this problem, Jenkins. We need one more bomb to be set. Here's a map with the strategic location for the bomb's placement."
Jenkins: "You guys really aren't HEARING me. I don't DO bombs. I have NEVER armed a bomb before that last one, and I freed half the Zig by accident! Not that... you know... it's hard to get out of this place. I jumped the fence myself once. Can't we just do that? Jump the fence?"
Arachnos Pilot: "And DITCH the JET? Are you INSANE, Jenkins?! Perhaps you didn't notice that Longbow agent that keeps jumping the fence and SLAUGHTERING people. We're taking the jet out of here, end of discussion. Now get to work, or we'll leave you here in the riot, you lazy bum!"
Jenkins: "Where's the bomb?"
Arachnos Pilot: "Bob has it. Just sneak it in real quick, plant it, and leave. No fuss, no muss."
Jenkins: "What if I'm captured?"
Arachnos Pilot: "You'd have to be REALLY incompetant for THAT to happen, Jenkins. Now take the bomb and run in there."
Jenkins: *holds out hand* "Fine, hand it over, Bob."
*The Arachnos Soldier grunts and huffs as he wheels in a heavy iron hand cart with a large metal barrel sitting on it. There's a powerful detonator attached to it.*
Arachnos Soldier: "Ta-daaa."
Jenkins: "THAT'S the bomb I'm supposed to run in 'real quick'?"
Arachnos Soldier: "Yup. One wheel sticks on this bugger- you have to pull really hard to get anywhere."
*Jenkins starts pulling the handcart away, muttering to himself*
Arachnos Pilot: "THAT'S NITRO IN THERE, JENKINS! DON'T JOSTLE IT AROUND TOO MUCH WHILE YOU'RE PULLING ON IT REALLY HARD!! GOOD LUCK, SOLDIER!"
Arachnos Soldier: "He's dead."
Arachnos Pilot: "Yup. How much you want to bet that I can talk the guy we're busting out into doing the same thing?"
Arachnos Soldier: "Five bucks. Ten if you get him to go after Jenkins."
Arachnos Pilot: "Deal."
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[ QUOTE ]
We find our man Jenkins in a police uniform, leaning against a cruiser, with his new partner beside him. Both have embraced the cliche', and are eating donuts.*
Jenkins: "So... this is the job, huh?"
Cop: "Yep. We protect the innocent with our amazing training in the field of law enforcement.... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! *cough, cough* Oh, jeez- heh- almost choked on my sprinkles..."
Jenkins: "Training? YOU got training? I didn't. They handed me a blood soaked uniform, said 'Here- machine wash, cold. Put it on tomorrow, and get yourself a gun from the supply area before you go out."
Cop: "Sounds about right. Did they teach you how to use the ultra-secret Hero call?"
Jenkins: "NO! How do I do THAT?"
*The cop throws his hands up, and begins frantically screaming and running back and forth. After a few moments, he stops and leans back against the car, eating his donut.*
Cop: "That's how."
Jenkins: "You scream and run around? THAT is the 'ultra-secret Hero call'? That's no secret call- that's just you being a big chicken!"
Cop: "It's also why I'm still alive, mister 'this was once a blood soaked uniform'."
Jenkins: "Hey! Look over there! That one Hellion is trying to steal that old lady's purse! We have to help!"
Cop: "Woah there, rookie. Sit back. A hero will probably come by soon. This is Atlas Park. You can't throw a dead badger without hitting someone in day-glow spandex. That reminds me- I have a dead badger in the trunk. Once we're done with these donuts, we can go do that. Helps pass the time."
Jenkins: "What?! We're NOT going to help??"
Cop: "Look at her- she's fine. She's got a nice firm grip on that sucker. You know, I've seen old ladies fight for DAYS without letting go of their purses. Then a hero comes, and it's all good. That idiot Hellion over there has no idea what he's in for- he's just gonna keep on tuggin' without a care in the world. Watch."
Jenkins: "This blows. I thought I'd be able to make a difference, what with my inside knowledge on all the street gangs in the WHOLE STATE."
Cop: "Oh! Here comes a cape right now! THE SIGNAL, JENKINS!"
*both men charge a nearby hero, and flail their arms screaming*
Captain Thinks-He's-Invisible: "Good lord! DANGER! I'd better save the day!"
*He charges in, one-punches the Hellion, and runs off to battle his next evildoer, with the old lady giving chase in a useless effort to thank him. The two police officers lean against the car again.*
Cop: "You want to know something else? I have no idea how to drive this damn thing. I've been on the force for 2 years now, and this is the only streetcorner I've ever patrolled."
*An extremely powerful hero comes by, with a train of villains behind him. He is quickly teleported away by a teammate, leaving all of the villains right in front of Jenkins and his new partner. They all exchange awkward silence*
Jenkins: *sigh* "...Got that badger handy?"
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BrickWilson was awesome enough to get a few with our names on them, so I won't bother repeat posting those- but if you guys see your unnammed Jenkins post up here, let us know who you were! These were just the ones I did that had become anonymous through the thread swap. I wish I could lay claim to some of the other funny posts, but alas, conscience does not allow it. hahaha- anyway, GRAB YOUR JENKINS POSTS, PEOPLE! Don't fade into anonymity!
Sorry. I kinda feel like the big papa of Jenkins, what with getting the ball rolling and all, and I'm SO GLAD to see that someone managed to save him!
VIVA LA JENKINS! (or something to that effect.)
